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This isn’t going to fully answer the question, but as a woman who has received similar feedback, we just can’t win. I have found it really useful to just be intentional about shutting up at times, rather than reframing language. There are times I know it’s just better for me to be quiet than make an inauthentic attempt to sound ‘softer’. I can tell it sounds oddly off-character based on reactions.
We really can’t win though. ‘You’re not assertive enough’, ‘you’re too direct’, etc. It’s rough out there and is only going to get worse, I’m afraid.
Was going to suggest something similar. Often times it’s about saying less, especially in group settings.
I am a female and had to deal this… This how I dealt with the perception….
1. Avoid starting sentences with “I”. Find opportunities to use “we”. Sentences that start with a verb come across differently.
2. When I need to say no…. It is time for performance theater. I will say something like.. “hmmm” which is my stalling noise to show I am thinking. Then I find a question to ask. Then I listen to the answer.
I make sure that I am showing that I listen.. that I hear my coworkers and people who report to me.
3. Product managers tend to have no direct authority but all the responsibility for a product. Our number one tactic is to stall saying no. Good ideas will stand the test of time. Bad ideas won’t.
We have a parking lot (which is just a word doc) that we can park that idea in until the next planning meeting.
Or we use Jira so that anybody can log their ideas in a ticket. If a ticket hasn’t been acting on in three years then I’ll just do a housekeeping task and close it.
Or I will reply to the email / direct message to acknowledge that I need to think about it. Then I ignore the message for a week to focus on “now” work. If I still think that the answer is no after a week of sitting on it….. then I tell them no. And I try to find a relevant question that I can ask. Or I tell them that I want them to keep sending ideas. Everyone on the team is part of the improvement process.
I’ll echo the above and add I attempt to get agreement with something like,“can we agree that…the goal is X or the assumptions are Y“
I think speaking in a slower pace and actually enunciating your word could help. Most importantly being self aware when it happens and adjusting. It takes practice
I got feedback on my voice in the app and people are saying that it's sexy, velvety and confident! 🤣🤣🤣 I'm dying. Maybe it's the sexy part that's bothering the other females in the business.
Mentor
Looking at the second issue - doing exactly what is asked of you. That’s worrying - at a director level, you should be responsible for dealing with how to execute on the strategy that you’ve agreed with your director manager to support their strategic goals. They shouldn’t expecting you to do it a specific way unless it’s a horribly micro managed path, or your title is misleading and you’re not actually at director level.
Mentor
You could literally be describing not only the same company but someone in the exact situation you were in (and a female director trying to make her mark) who had the office next to mine.
My favorite approach to most problems is this: what needs to be true to make something possible? Rather than dictating the way things need to work or determining that something is not possible or permitted under a certain structure, take the asks/demands from your product team and figure out what needs to be true to make it fit the way you need it to work. They refuse to use project brief templates? Take their ask and drop into the template (AI can be a big help here) and send it back to them for adaption and sign off. They complain about the value your team brings? Present project results in a manner that shows off both teams in the best light. Overall focus on what you can control: your actions.
So I work super-hard to try to avoid this, not always successfully. I have a suspicion that sometimes there’s an intensity to the way I say something, almost like a little anger or judgement comes through in my experience. I don’t intend this and I think it happens when I’m being very direct after having not initially been heard or feeling like I was just run over in the convo. I came to this theory after realizing how my dad does this.
I suspect I am the same way.
Can you give an example or two of things you have said that others considered too aggressive or harsh?
Nobody can provide examples (it was told to HR directly). The only thing I know that was stated is that I'm hard to work with and perceived as aggressive. There are a lot of people who to do things to the website, and if I accommodated them all… we would be a mess. when a request comes through, I try and get the person on a call to understand what they're trying to do, so we can think through a better way to do it without sacrificing UX. They don't want to hear it, they just want me to implement it. The conflict specifically is within the non-digital marketing marketing team.
I try and educate, I tried to build a framework for the next time, but my advice and guidance is never followed.
I feel like it's my tone and the way the message is delivered.
Sometimes you’ll never win on this. Some people like directness and some find it brash. Figuring out which person you are dealing with is the key. What tires me sometimes is always being the one to adjust. If you’re interested in that type of profiling I recommend the book Surrounded by Idiots.
I understand, getting tired of always adjusting to others however, I’ve never thought about the time that it has taken me to do that because usually I’ve been able to win in those scenarios.
I have no problem coming in as the subordinate, asking for a favor, can you help me?, Giving the other person the feeling of superiority, and adjusting to however they get work done as long as they’re not the person that changes every time I bring them an update. And I’ve had directors like that.
Every time I bring an update, they say oh I was thinking about this when they didn’t bother to tell me that the first time and once that is something, I’m aware of I will specifically ask. ‘Is there any other feedback or any specific manner in which you’d like me to accomplish this?’ Then at the next update, they changed their mind again.
I will literally push that piece back to them and say look I’ve brought you three updates you’ve changed all three times why don’t you go ahead and handle it because this is affecting my productivity.
Don’t change. People are sensitive. Being a direct person is not your problem to adjust to their feeling
I think I have to as a leader. I like when people are direct but understand not everyone appreciates it. It's hard for me to stike the balance I suppose.
There is one female that I work with that her tone of voice shifts when she is under stress. It sounds like shrill scolding of small children for making a mess.
To me, it’s the same vocal tone that a previous workplace female used to yell and berate me regularly. (So, I know my reaction to the current coworker is a form of ptsd or panic attack on my part). I’m working on trying to respond the same way I would if she wasn’t under stress.
When the current female is taking about life and non-stressed events, I have no problem with her “tone”. But this current female wears her stress on her sleeve and it’s becoming more and more her normal tone.
If you have a way of recording yourself during scenarios that are low stress vs high stress/frustration, I would suggest recording and then listen to your vocal sound differences. And the words you use.