Related Posts
More Posts
Thoughts on Roland Berger’s Dubai office?
Bowl Leader
This is not a meme
Thinking of getting this watch, thoughts?
Additional Posts in Finance
Realization: I'm good at my job because I'm single
What's your "I'm in Finance stereotype" moment?
New to Fishbowl?
Download the Fishbowl app to
unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.
unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.
Make a rule for yourself: you aren’t allowed to explain anything (defensive response) until you have asked at least one clarifying question (later up it to two).
A clarifying question: “oh wow, I wasn’t aware of that. What would a better approach look like?”. Open receptive Learning response.
“I don’t quite follow. Help me understand so I can be one of your top performers”.
It is a technique used extensively in customer service roles. It is human nature to respond to the words presented, but most people do not express themselves clearly, completely, concisely, and accurately in a single question or emotionally charged rant. A few genuinely inquisitive questions often exposes the Real origins of a comment. Bonus: it shows the other party that you really do want to understand. The initial statement / question from the other party is often nothing more than a conversation starter.
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood”
You’re probably not defensive. You are explaining yourself and management doesn’t like being questioned.
🙌 🙌 🙌
Rising Star
When getting feedback, stop and listen. Take it to heart. If there is something that needs to be responded to, do it in a different meeting.
Can you give me an example then? If they asked ‘tell me what happened here..?’
I think, when receiving such feedback, it would be best to ask what types of behaviour you are exhibiting that makes you appear defensive. Sometimes, it's not what you're saying so much as *how* you're saying it. You may be inclined to explain your POV, which is a totally natural response when people feel someone has misunderstood them or someone is attacking them. But, the issue may not be so much that you have a POV as it is that it appears that you may not be giving others a chance to express *their* POV. Responding to every statement someone makes can come off aggressive or defensive to that person, vs if you let them finish their whole thought and acknowledge that you have heard and understood what they had to say. And, in the case of receiving feedback, you can either outline ways that you will work on improving upon that feedback or ask questions on *how* you could best improve on the critiqued item. A lot of times, people just want to be heard and it goes both ways - with both managers and employees 😊 Of course, this is merely a suggestion based on the info shared in your post. Only you know if this makes sense for your situation
I love this thread and conversation, thanks for posting and being open to all of these good suggestions OP. Makes for enlightening reading.
It sounds like it’s already working!
Not every situation requires you to ASSERT yourself. Don’t sweat the small stuff - and let others the opportunity to grow or learn. If time isn’t a factor, let them screw it up. Think about when you learned to drive - if someone chimes in in every little detail - it would be highly frustrating to even learn.
It’s like a marriage.
You, truly, have to pick your battles.
Even if you’re right 100% of time, it’s sometimes better to be happy than it is to be right. That’s the unfortunate, fortune thing about relationships.
When it comes to work, unless it’s a catastrophic failure … voice your opinion, but yield to the decision to appropriate person - and support the direction.
It may not be your way or the way … but be open to play a supporting role.
As such, when they need your help or have come to conclusion that your way was the right direction.
Your saving the project … not making them more determine to do it the wrong way. On the flip side, if it’s a success - yield some praise and express some humility. It’ll go a long way.
Listen actively, seek feedback, self-reflect, and respond calmly to criticism. Cultivate empathy, open-mindedness, and a growth mindset to foster constructive interactions.
Normally, if somebody (boss or otherwise) is giving you feedback, they will have taken a little time to think about what they want to say and how they are going to phrase it. This means that if you disagree and respond *immediately*, they might feel you are not really respecting their time and thought process. Even if you are a really fast thinker, you can counter this by slowing yourself down a bit and thinking ‘they took their time on this, I will do the same and make a bit of an effort to think about how I respond’. It can be very powerful to just say ‘thank you so much for your feedback. Can I take some time to think about it and talk to you again another time?’
This would be ‘empathy’ because if you had spent time and effort to plan something carefully for somebody and they chucked it back at you really fast, that wouldn’t feel good. You’d feel a bit disrespected. So by slowing down, you are considering their efforts a bit more.
It could also be a ‘growth mindset’ because even if your first thought is that you disagree, you take a little time, maybe a few days, to let that person’s point of view sit with you and see if you can see any truth in this other viewpoint. If you only take your ideas and thoughts into consideration, you won’t grow and learn as much as if you leave space for new ideas. Eg it is ok to read a book and then disagree with it! You can still think and engage with ideas you ultimately reject, and it broadens you and grows you.
I have been told this as well recently and I'm really struggling with it. I haven't been formally diagnosed with ASD, but have ADD and most likely ASD. It is hard because on one hand I'm praised for being the one that says the hard things, then this gets thrown in my face. I also am of the opinion that most people can't take hearing the truth without it being sugar coated to the point that you lose what you were trying to say.
Sorry to hear you’re experiencing the same thing. To others it’s common sense but to me (and, probably, you) these things just *don’t*make*sense*
The amount of times somebody has made a vague, ambiguous request which I’ve processed as ‘they weren’t specific with the deadline and urgency so I’ll do that in x days’, just to have a colleague say ‘no they meant it needs to be done now’.
Take time to self reflect on the feedback. You can always reply. I have not noticed this so allow me some time to think about it. Then if necessary address at another time and perhaps in person.
I agree on this. I have to sometimes force myself not to respond immediately as my immediate response probably won't be my best e.g defensive or annoyed, especially if I'm already feeling stressed. It's easier said than done and I'm still working on it.
Consider asking more questions in a genuine attempt to understand. As others have said, not every situation needs you to assert yourself. The need to prove yourself can often hurt more than help. Put others first in an effort to assist or understand them better.
Good advice, I could definitely ask more questions to understand where they’re coming from instead of trying to prove myself.
1) Consider taking a course or two on Emotional Intelligence (EQ), your bound to learn techniques to combat your natural reaction/tone. 2) Actively focus on being objective while learning about EQ, listening how to identify the triggers (the behavior likely shows up in many facets, meetings, reviews etc.), and you’ll be surprised at the results you can achieve by applying the skill set wholesale.
(For what it’s worth, i happened to learn that I was referred to as ‘Sergeant’ across a large team, and I’m in the finance industry. You bet your ass I bought a whistle [to show humor and grace], and worked to understand EQ and focused on sound discipline techniques to implement.
Meditation has helped me reduce knee jerk reactions, whether defensiveness or anger. Been helpful. No quick fix, takes discipline to make time for it but has helped me personally and professionally. Some days better than others, but I am a much different person than I was when I started 3 years ago.
I did therapy here and there but it took a long time to find the right one for me. I’ve had a number of deaths in my family (mother, grandparents) and just tried to stay busy because I was afraid I’d fall apart if I faced it. Meditation helped me realize I was running and needed therapy to support me as I faced the pain. My therapist (when I found the one) reinforced how meditation was helpful, but also was a live feedback mechanism to guide me / keep me safe as I worked through the grief I was avoiding. Now I just do my meditation courses and am living my best life (at work and personal) ☺️.
To reduce the perception of defensiveness, my strategy is to first, acknowledge the feedback. "I'm hearing you say x, is that right?" They respond, I can then ask "How would you have liked to see that go, given (reasons for the way it wen)?" Delivered with genuine curiousity....this usually gets me what I need (information) in a way that defuses the emotion.
After reading your many replies, it's highly obvious to me that this is not a YOU problem. Your boss is just as assertive however dislikes it when you do the same, it is a clash of ego. The boss doesn't like you 'talking back' even if they're asking for your feeling/view on it, which is very counterproductive. You don't fit well with this style of management and should leave for better pastures. I'm a female working for a male boss and run into this issue, I've grown to disrespect their leadership and have to force myself to not say anything at all given it's not taken well. Sometimes the problem isnt you at all, it is them, politics mean managing up and some people can't be worked with.
Gotcha, if it's multiple people then perhaps as some have mentioned not replying to every comment and coming back after some time is the best way to tone it down. As for me, I just can't stand it and actively looking, I feel very suffocated not being able to voice out anything without being blamed. This is the sign of a toxic work situation so I'm not getting any better sticking around.
Ask for specific examples and in their opinion what an appropriate response would be. Let them know you have ASD and that these specific examples help you understand better how to correct yourself in the future.
Interesting how you’re also getting advice to defend yourself. I’d ask this person what they mean and give you examples as well. And ask what they think about the other feedback you’ve gotten. It doesn’t add up.
Oh, I see. Most of the time you should just say “thank you, for the feedback. I will work on xyz.” Sometimes being a leader you need to accept the blame. If someone on my team did something wrong, it’s also my fault because I didn’t catch it. I don’t call the person out, but I will talk with the person privately and ask how we can mitigate in the future. Just an example, not sure of your specific situation.
Read or listen to the book called Emotional Intelligence 2.0
I so relate! Jw - are you male or female? Also identify with the ASD commenter here. I’ve said often that honesty is my weakness and my strength, it’s such a double edged sword.
I’m female
Lol I’ve found that people project a lot, look at the people saying it and ask yourself are they not defensive? Lol
I think when you’re receiving feedback just try to listen to what they’re saying and take notes and try to correct your actions.
I feel like it’s okay to take up for yourself if you know the things they’re saying are inaccurate but try to phrase it in a way where it’s more receivable.
If you have a response or answer everytime you’re given feedback / criticism then you are defensive. Sometimes you are wrong and you have to accept that and say thanks for the feedback, I’ll work on it. It’s hard and no one likes hearing bad things about themselves, but particularly in a work environment where your bosses have a handle on your career you will do will to get used to it asap.
I genuinely never knew that responding was considered defensive.
It’s not that I struggling with receiving constructive criticism, I struggle with the grey.
If my boss said ‘you messed up here and I’m not happy’ - that’s a clear statement and I know to take it on the chin and outline how it won’t happen again.
When I’m asking how I feel about something which as an invitation to a dialogue, then it’s confusing that I’d be called defensive for responding.
Regardless, I’m taking ownership of this, it’s absolutely a me problem and I’ve been given some great food for thought in the responses.
I'm just imagining you holding your instincts of replying every single comment
?