Ladies - my boyfriend of 9 months talked. He wants to wait a year before moving in and 2 years after living together wants to think of marriage or getting engaged. I am 28th right now. I would like to be married before I am 30. Our timelines don't seem to match. What should I do? And is his timeline completely normal? This July we completed a year of knowing each other. We had taken a break for 3 months so the 9-month relationship. Additionally due to our jobs we have to do long distance

I would really advise you not to aim to get married by a certain age, but get married when you find the right partner, and it doesn’t seem like this person is. I don’t understand why someone would need so much time, but he should find someone with a similar mindset about timelines and you should find someone who’s sure about you, whether that happens before you turn 30 or not.

After 9 months, I’d argue most people know whether or not they could see themselves marrying their partner. Forget the turning 30 thing - what’s more concerning to me is that he broke up with you once already, and he would need 2 years of living together to “be sure” he wants to be with you long-term. There are men who are ready to propose after 1-2 months of dating… when they know, they know. I personally don’t think he is showing you that he thinks you are the one for him. I wouldn’t personally wait around for him.

I mean the timeline seem reasonable. 2 years dating, 2 years living together - asssuming a year of engagement that’s 5 years to married. It’s ok if that isn’t what you want, but there no guarantee that the next guy you meet won’t feel similar. Try to let go of the married by 30 goal - that will push you to be settle for any man willing to marry you.

The bigger issue to me is a 3 month break in your first year together 😬

2 hours distance is NOT long distance. SMH. Run

He’s not that much into you! Ditch him and find someone who will marry you; then you can live together and have your children. He wants all the husband benefits before marriage! What makes you think he’ll marry you after supping all of your goodies and running your body mileage high?’ Btw been there done that! He’s not worth it. He’s just keeping you around for the benefits while he finds what he believe could be better for him(out there)…

What’s holding him back? Is he not sure about you guys? Or is he just stubborn that he wants things his way.

What do you want (taking out your families pressures)? And how has he responded to the difference in your plans?

His timeline concerns me because this is an adult relationship and you both should be evaluating if you want to marry each other consistently. Yes, it takes time to really know someone and see how they respond to different situations etc, but it sounds like he’s placing arbitrary ‘checkpoints’ to delay the timeline and a true decision point. I think you need to have more blunt discussions to discuss long term goals, compatibility and concerns.

Please leave this relationship or you will have wasted prime years of your youth on this person.

Rushing into marriage based on an unrealistic timeline is a big no-no. Your focus and priority right now in any relationship should be really getting to know the person, developing a friendship, and letting the relationship grow organically. If you keep praying to be married by 30, you might just end up married to a 🤡

Pray and ask God to lead you both.

Ask your boyfriend to pray with you daily and ask God for collective guidance.

This is part of the two of you becoming one…. making life decisions together.

Understanding that you both are leaving something and becoming part of something new.

Go to church together and surround yourself around wise and older married folks.

By the time you take this journey together, it will be obvious to both of you on what the best next steps are and when.

Calm the noise around you…

For your Encouragement:
Phill 4

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus

I say both of you need to leave arbitrary (or externally / parental imposed) timelines behind and focus on strengthening the relationship and building a better understanding of what you want your individual and joint futures to look like. Forcing either of you into a box you don’t want to be in will only result in a divorce. If I were him, I wouldn’t like a mandate on marriage timeline and I think his rigid timeline requirements are in response to your pressure. IMHO, They just seem to be ways for him to postpone actually figuring out about how he feels about you. Plus if children are something you want then he needs to understand where it puts you. Given his rules for even “considering” marriage puts you out three years out so you’ll be 31… then let’s say 32 when you actually get married. And then let’s assume jell have rules for how long you need to be married before kids … say two years.. that puts you at 34 which is very common age for first kids. He just needs to understand this might be too long for you. Lastly, tell your family you’re an adult and they have ZERO input into your marriage timeline.

That’s a really long time to wait - I’d want sooner if I was you. I’d cut distance and probably want to have a good timeline to engagement at least discussed by 1year of dating.

OP, I'm not seeing what you want - you said you're getting pressure from your family to be married by 30. If that weren't there, would you care about the age?

Why does he get to decide your future? He gave you his timeline, so now why don't you give him yours? Maybe you'll both have to negotiate to get what you're both comfortable with. However you both handle this is pretty indicative of what your future with him would look like for all major life decisions together.

I think his timeline is reasonable for the activities of moving in or getting married. That’s different from forming an idea that you are most likely headed in that direction; which can occur much more quickly. The rest is just vetting/proving it out.

Sounds like that directional idea is the part that is missing.

Leave him woman. Got married to some guy under pressure and now thinking of divorce.

Be absolutely sure about whom to marry even if it means you need to wait till 35-40

I wanted to be married by 27. I didn’t find the right guy until I was 34. Glad I waited because the guys I dated in my 20s could never have been as perfect for me as hubs.

I didn't read anything about the feelings. Do you love him? Do you feel loved by him? Does he support you in any ways? Is he emotionally mature? Have you seen any red flags so far? What are your emotional needs? Does he fill them?

You had to take a 3-month break in your 1st year of this relationship? Are you sure you even like him?

Marrying before 30 is a nice goal to have and I understand family pressures esp if Asian. I dealt with same.. however I ended up marrying only at 32 cos that when I found my partner. I was stressed the whole time on both accounts because I wasn’t finding someone I like and I wasn’t willing to compromise and I was worried I was getting too old. But keep this aside - this guy having known you for 9 months, wants another 2-3 years, he is just buying himself time to find someone else or settle for this. It doesn’t take so long to understand who you want to marry. If it not a HECK YES by now then it’s both trying settle/ compromise/ find another option n hence buying time

It’s always hard to let a relationship go, but let him go. I broke off with my ex when I was 28 too and then found My (now) husband. When my husband and I were dating, we did 2 different countries and the relationship was always strong - 2 hrs away is nothing. He’s wasting your time and you don’t have that much time left to be honest. Keep your expectations high and Make place for someone who’s a reliable and good partner!

He doesn’t want to marry you. Leave him!