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I would really advise you not to aim to get married by a certain age, but get married when you find the right partner, and it doesn’t seem like this person is. I don’t understand why someone would need so much time, but he should find someone with a similar mindset about timelines and you should find someone who’s sure about you, whether that happens before you turn 30 or not.
^This
Chief
After 9 months, I’d argue most people know whether or not they could see themselves marrying their partner. Forget the turning 30 thing - what’s more concerning to me is that he broke up with you once already, and he would need 2 years of living together to “be sure” he wants to be with you long-term. There are men who are ready to propose after 1-2 months of dating… when they know, they know. I personally don’t think he is showing you that he thinks you are the one for him. I wouldn’t personally wait around for him.
Pro
Agreed with EY2.
In your late 20s, 9 months is long enough to know if this is a long term thing or not.
Also who the heck has 3 yrs to waste in late 20s just figuring out if someone is the one. 3 yrs to figure out? What mundane relationships are these
Enthusiast
Oh god girl please don't fall for that 30 year old marriage trap. Your boyfriend seems smart to have a realistic timeline. What are you going to do? Dump him and marry whomever you're dating at 30, no matter incompatible you are?
Pro
I don’t think you two are compatible- you don’t have the same view or prioritization of marriage
May I ask why you took a break for 3 months?
Girl my partner of five years and I have had to do long distance three times with various military deployments and then me taking a consulting contract overseas. Last weekend he drove five hours just to spend the night at home with me because he had a gap in his training course. And then he drove five hours back the next day. Not once has distance been an issue. We support each other’s careers 100% and will sacrifice and move mountains just to see each other briefly when we have to be apart. This man can’t be arsed getting on a bloody train?
I'm a big advocate for not rushing relationships and waited 5 years in mine before we got engaged (and liked it that way). Despite this, I think the timeline your boyfriend is telling you is concerning. Not just because it mismatches with yours, but because he seems to be unsure about you - specifying that he needs 2 years of living with you and even then he'd only be ready to "think about" engagement. I don't know the details but unless you all have been long distance or only see each other a couple times a month, I think he should have plenty of data at this point about who you are to have more confidence. It sounds like commitment issues to me and, if thats the case, just know you deserve someone who is excited and ready to be a husband, not someone you need to push to the altar. Sorry you're dealing with this. 🫂
Enthusiast
She wrote "think", he may have said or meant "talk". OP has already made it clear she's desperate to get married by 30, I wouldn't want that to be a daily conversation for the next 3 years either.
Enthusiast
Lol yall he's 1 year late for her 30 year old deadline. He wants to know a person is compatible before marrying them, she wants to get married asap because of some weird thing about turning 30.
Like seriously, what is this post and how come there’s so little difference in opinion in these answers?
He wants more time to think bc probably he doesn’t think you’re the one. It won’t change. I would break up.
9 months in he knows if he wants to marry you. I assume he’s 28+ himself? Logistics and planning take time but he already knows
Chief
exactly
I wouldn’t get married until you’re 30+. Ages are arbitrary but I know a lot of women myself included who married in 20s and were divorced at 30. So don’t let timing determine your relationship. Pay attention to the commitment. As far as your boyfriend, the fact you spent 3 mos out of the year you’ve been together on a break and have different priorities is concerning.
Chief
You already had to take a break and it hasn’t been a year of dating yet? It’s reasonable not to rush into moving in and see how the relationship will play out if you’ve had issues and he’s unsure about you. Moving in together would however solve the long distance, but he doesn’t sound ready for that level of commitment. I just hope he’s not stringing you along to see if he finds something else.
You need to decide if you’re willing to wait for the relationship to play out and see where it will take you, or invest in someone else. That someone else doesn’t mean they will be ready to get married by 30, but they may be more ready to move in together.
Be your best advocate. Sometimes doing the best thing for ourselves includes walking away from people we love. But we must love ourselves more.
Pro
3 month break in a year of dating is nuts. Leave him already.
His timeline is my preference and I’d personally like to move in after being engaged or 2 years. And then think you should date 2-3 years before marriage. But everyone will have a different preference. I’m not sure putting a hard timeline for a specific age is the right mindset when you’re thinking long term for the rest of your life. It would be better to see how this person is some years in before committing for life just to hit a timeline you’ve decided arbitrarily.
Yes!!! Agreed!!
I am getting pressured by my family to get married before 30
Its your life so dont feel pressured to follow rules set by someone else, including parents. Do what you think is right for you and something that makes you happy, contented and not regret 20 years later.
I followed my parents advice, married at 26. left my consulting career and moved to US. Faced issues finding job in US due to visa stuff. Moved back to home country to get job, stayed away from husband for 2 years in home country, which added stress to the relationship. Eventually got job in usa in consulting that is 5 years later, starting at the youngest cohort all over again. And thats when I got pregnant. My preg happened at 33 despite marrying at 26. So long story short— pregnancy happened late, i compromised on career and had relationship issues and all the stress made me hypertension patient at 33. Still dont feel accomplished in my career. Not blaming anyone but myself to follow society norma, family advice
It could have been i figured my career till 30 got married at 31 and preg at 32/33z
Today i regret and learnt not rushing into critical decsions of life.
Do what is best for you my friend, you know your capabilities, situation, your partners commitment
I don’t think wanting to wait to move in is so concerning, especially given the history. But waiting so long after moving in to even think about marriage is a red flag or at least doesn’t match your goals. For me, I wouldn’t move in without feeling confident it was a clear first step toward marriage
Pro
People have different timelines, and don’t think there snatching wrong with his.
When we were like 7-8 months in, my now husband and I agreed we were serious and panned a fine alien. We dated for two years - he moved closer to me, from across the city to walking distance the second year. We moved in together, got engaged a year later, married a year after that. If he had wanted another year before engagement that would have been ok as long as we remained on the same page.
To sum it up: you should figure out what you want. Not what you parents want, not what society wants, but what you want. Being married by 30 seems like a pretty random goal to have, what does marriage look like to you? What are you looking for in a partner? Soul searching, reflection, that’s what you need. Not a forced promise of someone who isn’t ready commuting to your random timeline
Chief
let me give you an idea what a man does when you are the one for him:
15 or so years ago my future ex-husband, Spaniard, was in a 4 hours flight to see me WHILE Spain was playing in Finals of world's championship and won. he could not see the game
if you know what football means for spaniards, you understand the sacrifice.
we lived 6 hours flight distance from each other and i saw him every month despite he worked at big4 with zero spare time available
Girl, speaking as a 35 year old, 30 is SUCH an arbitrary number. It’s still so young and if you want kids, you’d still have plenty of time. Forget about the age thing (ESPECIALLY if it’s coming from family) and focus on how your relationship progresses and develops. Otherwise you’re holding your relationship to an arbitrary timeline and putting undue pressure on both of you. Trust me, I thought life would be over if I wasn’t married by 28 and having kids by 30 and it’s really not. Figure out the distance and living together thing and see where your relationship goes from there
Be careful with this - I had a guy give me a similar timeline, insisting we live together, then said he still wasn’t ready. We broke up, he is 35 now and still not married. I would not live with a guy again without a ring on my finger.
Better to ask now if he has doubts - how do you feel about him? It comes across like marriage is the goal for you, not necessarily marriage to him?
How do you feel about him? Does he make you happy and make you want to be the best version of yourself? Do you both share the same morals and values? There’s something concerning him which most likely led to the break up. He probably doesn’t want say it (or is afraid to) and used the long distance as an excuse. I would speak to him. If you see there’s potential and you’re aligned on everything else then I would really reflect on the timing thing. If you think he’s the one, what’s an extra year or two really going to make in the grand scheme of things? You may be putting him off with your pressure to get married and everything else by a set date and time. Don’t get too lost with the timeline and lose a potential spouse. I would speak to him and have a heart-to-heart, and only then decide what you want to do.