Married moms who have little ones, how do you split childcare responsibilities with your spouse? Do you have a full-time nanny? Do you split pick-up/drop-off at daycare or does one parent handle all?

My partner is a SAHP, so my situation is different (but not without its challenges). I’m just here to say how much I respect and recognize colleagues with two working parents in their household. Y’all are doing a great job.

My husband is a software engineer who, like me, tends to work a lot both in the office and at home. We split the days into 2 “on duty” shifts. Including weekends. On days I drop off, he picks up, and vice versa. It’s a great system because I can always either get my day started super early, or stay late, to get all the work in that I want to. But we also both get a solid amount of kiddo time every day.

Really struggling to find balance and genuinely unsure what’s fair anymore. I did the SAHM thing for a bit, so maybe I brought this on myself. Despite both of us having demanding jobs, somehow his job is always more important, and I find myself doing almost all of the parenting solo. Feeling very burned out and like there’s just no end in sight.

Q for OP and others where the arrangements do not feel equitable: How are you discussing these issues with your spouses (or ARE you at all)? How often, what tone? How are your concerns received? Curious if there are things to learn from one another here...

My husband and I work at the same agency. We usually take separate cars in and split drop off/pick up. On days we carpool we go together, and sometimes one of us does both if the other is traveling or has a before/after work appointment or event. We have no family locally to help, and daycare closes at 6pm. This is what has worked for us! And you just have to call it quits to make pick up. Once in a while if we have a big pitch or something we hop back online later after the kids are in bed to keep working. Luckily since having our second kid the evening work has been less frequent!

We split drop off and pick ups and most other things. My husband is great, but IMO it almost always falls on mom to do the organizing, remembering dates, coordinating, planning, which can be mentally exhausting - especially with two kids.

I'm the mom of a toddler in NYC, I work FT, and I literally do everything. Hubs has maaaaybe picked our son up from daycare once? He's a CD in a much bigger agency and makes a lot more than I do, but can't help feeling like I want to strangle him sometimes🤪

Husband handles breakfast and drop off at nannyshare house. I try to make pickup but can’t always make it in time. I handle dinner and packing lunch the next day, bathtime, and generally the bedtime order of events (diaper&get into pjs, take bottle, brush teeth, read a book, rock and sing before bedtime) husband can do all of this but if I’m there my son will whine the whole time. Except the random night when he just goes to dad for all that. He’s 19mos. Dad does dinner cleanup and dishes or laundry while I do bath. I feel like it’s a good split but not equal. I do more mental labor he does more physical. Even when he takes on things I do I have to detail exactly what to do (which foods where they are stored how to prep etc) “have to” meaning he asks. He works from home so it’s a huge convenience but also adds to my guilt because it defaults to him a lot of the time.

Immigrants with zero family. We split responsibility and husband does morning drop off and I do evening pick up by 6pm when daycare closes otherwise it's $1.00 per minute per kid fine.

We split pretty evenly. My husband leaves for work super early so I get everyone ready and do drop off. He picks up, prepares dinner and does bath. I sort through backpacks and pack lunch.

It is definitely not easy. I have more flexibility but I also travel more. Plus we have two locations for drop off and pick up.

For us what works is a sitter to pick the kids up at daycare/school between 5:30-6. The sitter will feed the kids so when we get home around 6:30, it is a bit easier for us. In the mornings we each take one child to school.

We both have a long distance to travel for work. I have to leave very early so he drops her off to the daycare and I pick her up as I leave work earlier. He also gets to work from home a lot but I still do the pick up even if he drops her late. I do the things I like to have control over like what she eats, wears, her bath etc. He does things like topping up all her supplies - food, diapers, wipes etc. Other than that, we both spend time with her as we can and as the other person needs. I let him do his thing like going to the gym, reading while I spend time with her on a weekend. He does the same for me when I am doing things of my interest. What is important is to have gratitude for each other and see the other person’s efforts. You will never feel like oh I am doing so much and he is not. The responsibilities don’t have to be sliced in half. Just find your comfortable bits and you will settle with it before you know it.

We split, one drops off (usually my husband) and the other picks up. That said, my kiddo has some medical issues and has a lot of appointments (doctors, PT) and I get stuck doing all of those because my work is more flexible than his...except once every 4-5 months I throw a fit and go off about how my job is just as important as his (admittedly I make more money and one time accidentally pulled the “we need my job more than we need yours” and felt like shit afterward for pulling that card) and he needs to fucking step up. And then he’ll handle doctors appointments for a week and then it goes back to me 🤷🏻‍♀️. He works in a very tradition insurance company where hours are from 9-5 so it really is harder for him to leave, but he also needs to figure that out because it doesn’t get frustrating.

My husband and I both work. He does school drop-offs and nanny picks them up. Husband manages school emails, most extracurriculars, bday invites, etc. I informed him early on that I will not manage that minutiae, and if he wants kids to participate it’s on him. I delegated some extracurriculars to grandparents (arrangement/rides), but I pay for the kids activities. Hubby and I split household responsibilities and expenses evenly.

Mothers don’t have to carry the greater emotional burden. It is easier if you set hubby’s expectations before marriage/children. If he is not planning to do his part, why marry and have kids?

I know, not everyone shares my mindset. :)

I feel your pain. For whatever reason mine sounds like yours. We both had equally challenging jobs, but I still do the bulk of child care. It gets very frustrating and my resentment peaks and flows. I’m in a peak at the moment. We are lucky in that we were able to get an au pair this year to help. It was the only way to manage with our commutes and when one of our kids started school and they were no longer at the same daycare.

We intentionally picked a daycare that was close to one of our workplaces. It just so happened to be my husband’s mainly because of cost. To help out, I usually ride with him there to do drop off and then walk to the train and commute into work. Makes my commute longer but helps me feel like I’m contributing.

Hubs does most of the pick up and drop off (he works closest to home). We split the doing of chores pretty evenly but I’m the planner of it all. We are a daycare fam with 3 kids - one in elementary and 2 in daycare so we’ve been doing split drop off and pick up. After the third, we gave in and got a part time nanny who cleans, cooks dinner and picks up one. It has made our lives infinitely easier. It’s never easy but it should feel like an even partnership. It took us years of “conversations” before we got here tho.

I do drop-off and he does pick-up. We don’t work identical hours so that makes the most sense for us.