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Tell him you understand he's stressed and so are you. You'll be happy to continue the apartment search when he's ready to do it with you.
This should definitely be something you do together. If he's not ready for that, and you're in a time crunch, get your own place and tell him you can revisit after your lease ends. It's one of those things where you need to be straightforward. You don't want to move in together already feeling drained and not excited.
Enthusiast
Ily cuz my brain wanted to scream dump him. You’re patient and assertive
Rising Star
DO NOT MOVE IN WITH SOMEONE YOU ARE NOT MARRIED TO!!!!
Enthusiast
I didn’t live with my husband before marriage and am glad we didn’t. We spent the first year or two learning about each other as newlyweds should do but we had the lifelong commitment there. If you’re committed to someone, you make it work - regardless of how they do chores. Everyone has quirks and annoying traits. Why do you need to live together to assess if these are tolerable? If they’re intolerable, don’t be with them. Why buy the cow if you get the milk for free? I know a lot of couples that lived w their SOs and broke up with them after years together. Lots of investment, money lost, broken leases, shared pets/ custody issues, and bitter feelings after. Live with the person you’re determined to marry.
If he’s too busy or stressed to help with this decision/process what will your life be like in the future when you consider buying a house or have kids. Will all major decisions be dumped on you with minimal input or support? Time to take a serious look at the big picture and see if your guy is a man or a big boy who’s not ready to be in a serious relationship.
This is a case study in how you are forced to contribute ALL the mental & emotional labor and the majority of financial support. His attitude is horribly revealing, especially since he is also asking you to look for a new job to accommodate HIS dream city.
Rising Star
Why people think this app (and this bowl especially) replaces therapy?
Also don’t you guys have best friends or family you can talk about this? Why do you think you could trust a bunch of stranger (with lots of trolls in the mix) will know what is best for you?
That’s my advice for you. Go talk to someone. Including your boyfriend.
Rising Star
Because therapy works and lacks the excitement that you could be taking advice from a nutjob here.
Bail. Get your own place. He is a slacker.
Don’t take advice from strangers online who don’t know you or your SO. Lean on people who actually know you/your situation/your boyfriend.
And recognize the irony of me, an internet stranger, giving you advice to not take advice from internet strangers.
(Cont) most apartments in said budget kind of suck so even though I recently got a new job I have been stressing trying to find another higher paying job so we can get a higher apartment budget. I just feel so mentally and physically drained I want to cry.
During Covid he pressured me so much about moving out and landing a job in his dream city because he needed a change & finally I did but now I’m the one doing all the work trying to make it happen.
When I get to FaceTime or call him about a new listing or just to vent he complains and tries to cut the conversation.
He basically just tells me I know what im doing and he will contribute by paying what he needs to pay monthly ..
Shouldn’t apartment hunting be a process you do together ? Why do I feel like I’m drowning instead of excited ?
This reminds me of my first marriage. Everything was my job. Trust me, it won't get better. It doesn't sound like he's ready for the commitment of living together. I would put this on pause and rethink your situation.
He’s just not that into you. Read it.
Rising Star
Yuck. He sounds so unattractive based on what you’ve described. I’d bail now. Do you want to be his realtor, decorator, maid, cook, and mother in the future?
Rising Star
Do not pay more for rent if it’s just your bf. Split everything 50/50
Agree with K1. Relationships are not transactional. I earn 4 times my SO, and I want to live in nicer apartments than my SO’s budget. I pay 65% which helps me cover the excess budget, and allows me to live in a place I like and still pay lesser than I would’ve, if I were to have rented the place alone. I really don’t understand why this is a huge deal. Those who say that the rent should always equal believe that you should only date people with equal or higher income than you 😅 Come on guys, catch a breath, stop making this a bigger deal than it is.
He will be like this for all major decisions in your lives together. Accept that or let the relationship go.
What concerns me is your statement that you'll be paying more and are stressed about finding a higher paying job to cover it. Are both of your names going to be on the lease? I worry what will happen if he leaves and you're stuck with the whole bill yourself.
Read your posting again. It doesn’t sound like you both are on the same page with the relationship. It shouldn’t be this hard. Your BF is not ready. You are trying very hard to make him happy, but making yourself miserable at the same time. I think there are more problems under the surface. Get your own places and do not move into together. I would reassess the relationship. Nothing wrong taking some time apart. You are both very young. See other people.
Rising Star
Welcome to the rest of your life if you stay with his manchild.
Chief
I completely agree w the general trend of advice above, but do want to ask one counterpoint question — are you communicating with him effectively? Or are you so stressed and frazzled you’re communicating AT him?
“Every time I call or FT him w a new listing…” If my partner was calling me at random with listings I’d be overwhelmed & not sure where to engage.
I don’t think every step of apt hunting has to be equal. I took the initiative on our apartment search bc I’m good at it, I’m picky, I felt time pressure from myself, *and* bc my SO wasn’t as motivated to get it done quickly. But I didn’t just shoot links haphazardly. I made a shared spreadsheet that we could both drop listings into, with columns breaking out all the essential bits (who found it, price, size, location, had the other person looked at it, pros and cons from each of us)
This let us tackle it logically, on our own time, know the other person was plugging in, and put “a face” to the work that encouraged equitability. Then we sat down over 2 hours, talked thru every listing, and I used that to book our appointments. A week later we had a fabulous apartment.
This was my initial impression. Whenever I see these “why doesn’t my SO care as much as me?!?” posts, the context always reads as if the person posting is intense about that one thing and not respectful of their partners time. Whatever the situation, it has absorbed the person posting and they’re overwhelming their partner by springing it on them randomly.
Then I see everyone telling them to dump their partner and that their partner is trash that doesn’t care about the relationship and I’m sitting there like “woah, AITA?”.
Even if you were able to find an apartment that fits your needs and budget, these relationship problems won’t magically go away once the move-in date comes. Finding the apartment was only the tip of the iceberg in this living-together process: if he can’t deal with it now, it definitely won’t be easier.
Enthusiast
Good point; moving in with my SO was stressful but actually living together has been almost more than either of us can handle
Visual Storyteller
Personally, I feel that you guys need to sit down and get on the same page. You got a job in his dream city and now you want to move in together. I don't think it is a good idea for you to try and get a better job in order to be able to rent a better place. Unless you are extremely sure this is what you want, you might end up resenting the higher pay on your end. What I mean is... Live by your means, if you guys are not ready to move in together cause you can't afford a place you both like and can pay without issues, then don't. Don't force yourself to do something just for the sake of going through with it. And also, you guys haven't lived together so you don't really "know what you are doing". You know what you would like but, how can you answer for him? You are the one paying more, doing research, vetting the options... Wtf is he doing? If he can't collaborate now, imagine in a marriage. He can be stressed but so are you, why does he get a free pass? Are you his mom? You have certain expectations and if he doesn't fulfill them... You will end up resenting that, eventually.
Chief
My wife acts the same way always “too busy and too stressed” to do anything. I just tell her that if she removes herself from the decision making process she loses her right to complain.
So she never complained after the fact?
Male here. Nice discovery, and a red flag for sure. Like the others said, it is an early indication of how your post-marriage life would look like.
He doesn’t want to move in with you.
She does and way too much because she is ready to do all the work ignoring the clear signals that she is the only one interested in it.