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Hi fishes, I'm having below 2 offers. I'm little bit confused. Can you help me to choose one. Factors : career growth, work life balance. YOE : 2.7 yrs 1.Shell - Senior process data engineer (11+ 2L(variable) + 2.3L joining bonus (1 year) ) 2.Tiger Analytics - data science - python developer (14L fixed + 1L(2 year clause)) Shell Tiger Analytics
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Mentor
Is there Any WFH oppurtunity for BA
Additional Posts in The Worklife Bowl
Rising Star
Think this guy is pulling out early
Rising Star
Most exotic name you’ve heard: drop below!
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Rising Star
I just realized I’m the dead participant.
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Tell him you understand he's stressed and so are you. You'll be happy to continue the apartment search when he's ready to do it with you.
This should definitely be something you do together. If he's not ready for that, and you're in a time crunch, get your own place and tell him you can revisit after your lease ends. It's one of those things where you need to be straightforward. You don't want to move in together already feeling drained and not excited.
Enthusiast
Ily cuz my brain wanted to scream dump him. You’re patient and assertive
Rising Star
DO NOT MOVE IN WITH SOMEONE YOU ARE NOT MARRIED TO!!!!
Enthusiast
I didn’t live with my husband before marriage and am glad we didn’t. We spent the first year or two learning about each other as newlyweds should do but we had the lifelong commitment there. If you’re committed to someone, you make it work - regardless of how they do chores. Everyone has quirks and annoying traits. Why do you need to live together to assess if these are tolerable? If they’re intolerable, don’t be with them. Why buy the cow if you get the milk for free? I know a lot of couples that lived w their SOs and broke up with them after years together. Lots of investment, money lost, broken leases, shared pets/ custody issues, and bitter feelings after. Live with the person you’re determined to marry.
I definitely think he needs to support you more and help you through the process. I’m trying to put myself in his shoes and the only thing I can think of is that he regrets his decision to move and he’s not actually happier in the new city so he’s trying to get out of living there. He also might feel like because he’s making less, he wants you to get an apartment you’re happy with and his input isn’t as important since he’s contributing less. Either way this doesn’t excuse his attitude and him not being helpful so I think you need to sit down and talk it out to try and understand why he isn’t being helpful because it sounds like it’s something more than him just being stressed
Pro
Get a place on your own or with roommates. When he gets his act together and moves and starts taking initiative, then you can talk about moving in.
Drop his bum ass!!
If he wanted to, he would. Straight up tell him you are both working, your even making more, he needs to help with everything, including this. If he’s not willing to help don’t do anything at all and he will be forced to help you out. Pull his card!
AND don’t get a new job if you like the one your at. especially if it’s because of money. he can get another job or he can get two jobs if that’s an issue. don’t show him your willing to do all of this if he’s showing you no interest. what’s the point.
🚩🚩
Enthusiast
Maybe he is having cold feet or reservations about living together. Suggest to him that you continue living separately until he is ready
Pro
How old is he?
EY7. Not everyone wants marriage and we need to stop pressuring people into getting married in order to do things like share an apartment. It is perfectly fine for two adults to share a life together without legally tying their entire lives together.
Rising Star
Find yourself a spot that you like and can afford alone and let him know that you might be open to having the move-in convo again when he’s ready for it. Because he’s obviously not now. You sound like a badass who deserves someone who will want to build a future with you. Not someone who wants you to do it for them. Five years is a long time to be with someone, but a lot changes between 22 and 27. If you’re around the same age as your BF, i’m willing to bet you are pretty different from your fresh out of college self. Maybe it’s time to reevaluate.
But seriously… do NOT pay more unless your salary disparity is very substantial. It’s so much less stressful to go into a cohabitation situation on equal ground. Feeling like you have to be there to support your partner financially is stressful AF.
So he’s stressed and he gets to opt out entirely. You’re stressed and the expectation is that you continue the budgeting and searching process while also seeking _another_ new job to make this move-in happen?
OP, this is not the way to start off moving in together. He needs to step up and you need to ask yourself why you are working so hard to make something happen with a disinterested partner. This should be an exciting change you’re both invested in and working together to make happen.
27 is a tough year. He’s probably scared, this is a big step for both of you. In my experience men really freak out when they envision their single life is about to end. If you want to marry him someday I suggest use this time to get exactly what you want in an apartment and don’t worry about what he thinks. You don’t need his approval, and trying to get it will only frustrate him. Once you’re settled in he can start to adjust. Give him time.
Chief
Both people need to be invested in making a big decision like that - just like both partners need to be equally invested in the relationship
Put your lady balls on the table and tell him to step up.
If he doesn’t, bye boiiii!
He doesn't really care if he lives with you or not. If he did, he would put in the effort.
Honey, time to drop this zero and find a hero. Doesn't sound like a man, sounds like a man child.
OP, this post gave me deja vu of my experience when I was moving in with an ex-bf (dated 3 years). He was the one who had insisted on us moving in together but was zero help to me in the moving process and was similarly annoyed anytime I needed his input or help on any part of the process. Like you, I ended up being the one if figuring out all the lease paperwork, logistics of the move, furniture, everything. He was even zero help to me on moving day.
Looking back, I wish I had paid more attention to his lack of maturity and support through planning for the move and NOT moved in with him. I was only 25 so that’s my excuse. I felt similarly alone the whole year dealing with chores, maintenance, any issues that came up around the place, and after a year living together we broke up. At this point, I don’t foresee ever moving in with something until engaged at min— probably not even then. Being pretty chill about relationships I used to not feel this way but with getting older— moving in together is a big step!
If he’s not a partner in the process now, he’s probably not going to be the partner you’re looking for in actually living together either— think about it. Maintaining a household together requires coordination on cleaning, meals, hosting friends and company, budgeting for lawn care, etc even if renting and if he’s not participating now, it’s unlikely he will participate once you actually move in. At least that was my experience. Listen to his actions! Honestly reconsider if this relationship is even serving you in general. You do not need to be a mom to your bf or shoulder his responsibilities when moving through life together! That will drain you quick, take it from me.
Either have a candid conversation about how you’re feeling alone and abandoned (and come on- feeling stressed is such a cop out— aren’t you also stressed? He’s basically just not carrying his weight at all) and figure out what’s going on with him to implement change or heed this information to mean he’s lacking the level of maturity/ commitment required for such a big step and don’t move in together
Maya Angelou said it best, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
This behavior won’t change. Move on. You’ll be much happier.
Doesn’t sound like he’s mature enough to adult. Find your own place and revisit the decision to move in together when you’re both ready.
We obviously don’t know your full situation from a few paragraphs on fishbowl so obviously take everything with a massive grain of salt.
In my experience (as a former one), 27 yo men sometimes still have a lot of growing up to do, unfortunately. I think the best approach here to try to make things work (assuming you still do) is to communicate what you need from him while continuing to be empathetic to his “stress”. Why is this all so overwhelming to him? Is something else going on in his life? Or does he just have a low threshold for dealing with adversity? If the latter, he’s going to need to improve that fast and step up to be successful in any relationship, whether it’s with you or someone else.
Regardless of the source of his stress, you shouldn’t feel this way about to move in with someone. Relationships should be much easier at this point and, if you’re the one doing all the work to find an apartment to live together, what happens when planning a wedding? Buying a house? Having kids? Responsibilities tend to grow fast as you move through life and having a partner to share that burden becomes necessary.
If you empathetically and effectively communicate what you need from him and he doesn’t hear you or commit to doing better, I’d seriously consider moving in your apt search and life without him soon.
Great advice… I believe successful relationships are all about good communication. If you cannot do that effectively together then everything else is going to be very difficult. It’s not about your situation exactly re: Appartment hunting but eager how you guys deal with things as a team and blow well you communicate about it… and from the short post this sounds like something you need to focus on big time.
Leave. Sounds like a volcano waiting to erupt
Pro life tip from T-Boz and Lisa:
A scrub is a guy that thinks he's fly
And is also known as a busta
Always talkin' 'bout what he wants
And just sits on his broke ass, so
No, I don't want your number
No, I don't wanna give you mine and
No, I don't wanna meet you nowhere
No, don't want none of your time and
No, I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
Hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride
Trying to holla at me
I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
Hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride
Trying to holla at me
You said it: he is stressed, But SO ARE YOU (plus exhausted), but you are managing to still look for an apartment. This means more to you than to him. I agree with the person above who says to tell him you will look for an apartment together when he is ready, but for now you will be living alone. Finding an apartment is a big and stressful decision and he is just leaving you out there to do it alone. Even if he doesn’t care where it is or what it looks like, he should at least participate and support you instead of checking out.
See this for the red flag it is. If he isn't showing up for basic shared things as you begin to integrate your lives and homes, how do you see that going with things like shared housework, finances, or childcare? Dating while maintaining independent lives is very different from making a home and a life together.