Need some strength 🐠s - my wife and I just had a baby a few weeks ago and her fuse has been so short it’s scary. I know postpartum rage is a serious thing but these episodes are hard to fend off and support her through. She’s also making digs that make it sound like I’m a horrible dad/partner and haven’t supported her at all through this (hard not to be hurt because this isn’t true). Any tips on how to support her through this when she’s constantly criticizing?

Its hard early on, especially if she’s trying to breastfeed - when there’s a disagreement it’s easy for her to be possessive of the baby and have every right to because she’s the one feeding him/her. I’ve got four kids including a set of twins and here’s what has worked for us… I think we would’ve gotten divorced after the twins but I’m lucky she stuck with me because I was clueless about how to support her through it.
- if she’s trying to breastfeed, support whatever she wants to do but make it clear that you aren’t pressuring her either way and that you accept and support whatever she wants to do (and that breastfeeding is not binary - it’s a continuum and that whether she does or not does not determine whether she’s a good mom)
- tell her she’s a good mom. A lot. As in, multiple times a day with specific observations of what she’s doing for the baby
-split the nighttime feedings if you aren’t already so she can get some uninterrupted hours of sleep. If she doesn’t want that, get up with her in the night. Change the diaper and bring her the baby to feed so she can sit and relax for a minute.
- ask what you can do. Like someone above said, do little things like put some snacks and refill her water where she sits to feed the baby, notice if you need wipes or diapers restocked, make her lunch during the day, ask if you can take the baby so she can get a nap or a shower.
- help her get out for a walk during the day or better yet, block your calendar and go with her
- listen to what’s on her mind. It’ll be all kinds of stuff that hasn’t even crossed your mind but you’ll appreciate more how many things she’s worrying about and planning for. There may be things you can do - like maybe you can be the one to call the pediatrician on the diaper rash or do more tummy time because she’s worried the baby isn’t getting enough (real examples from my kids, ha)
- run interference for family or friends if they are on her nerves for any reason
- throw some laundry in, do the dishes, etc. - just notice what needs to be done without her having to ask
-encourage her to talk to her doctor or the pediatrician about how she’s feeling
- at a calm time, mention that her words hurt you and you want to see whether she really thinks you are an unsupportive partner or bad dad (she probably doesn’t actually think that). Agree that you’ll pause your disagreements if it gets to name-calling because that’s better than saying anything anyone regrets. Agree on a word and a timeframe (we just say ‘pause’ and our rule is that you have to come back to the conversation within an hour or so).
- when all else fails and she’s pissed still, I just say, ‘I love you - we are on the same team. I’m on your side always. So tell me what’s going on and how I can help and I’ll do it.’ You’d be surprised how well that works - and how often it ends with my wife explaining that she’s overwhelmed and sleep deprived and stressed out and still recovering and feeling alone or like she’s lost her identity to being a mom. You don’t have to agree with or even understand her feelings but you gotta show up and sit with her through it.
Sorry for the long post but I really wish there was more resources when it comes to supporting a partner through this.

Been through it Op. it’s tough. Suck it up if you can. If not try to get her some help. I had the same thing with my first and got my mother in law involved as that was the only person my wife would listen to.

It’s hard man. You should know that she isn’t personally attacking you (even though it might seem like it), but she is taking out her frustrations. She’s scared - how can she be a mom? She is responsible for a whole new person, with 0 experience or training (assume this is your first child?), and she is panicking. And she doesn’t get to sleep the way she used to, and that wreaks havoc on a persons mental balance.

First thing to understand is that this is not about you - it’s about her and the child. Well, for now :) Be there to listen to her, get her favorite foods, get her comfortable, take care of the baby at night etc etc. Not saying you aren’t doing all this - I’m sure you are.

Try not to take it personally - when you stop letting it affect you, you’ll get better and she will too.

Having said all that, if it’s over the top and you can’t take it - time for counseling.

If it really blows up,l and you have done all suggested above, and you spend more than two or three days sleeping on the couch, I suggest you ask her to seek professional help, and then you move out completely for one week. After day two, your wife will beg for you back, because she will realize you are half of the team, even if she feels she is 99% of it. Worked for me.

Hormone let down and sleep deprivation are no joke. It would make anyone feel out of their mind but then add to that complete identity shift and having to figure out how to care for a newborn and it’s shocking anyone makes it through this phase.

It will get better with sleep and experience. Whenever you can, take baby out and let your wife have a solid stretch of alone time. If you can make that a regular thing, even better— like Saturday morning dad adventure.— so it’s predictable and she can plan around it. When baby is little, it may just be a walk to the coffee shop or to the park, but the routine is good to establish.

Agree with another post— don’t wait to be told what to do around the house or with baby.

Enlists her friends and family to help surround her with support.

The first month is terrible. The second month is less terrible. And so in. It takes a solid 3-4 months to settle in, get better sleep, and feel some semblance of confidence as a parent. It will get better.

A few weeks ago is no time at all.
This is a massive adjustment period in your lives and unlikely to settle into anything that seems comfortable for months at least. Give yourselves (her and you) some slack, and work through what you can together.
And hang in there! It’s tough but so rewarding!

Wishing the best right now. It is hard. 1) make sure you are taking care of yourself 2) what I do with my wife in these moments is ask her what she thinks will be the most beneficial, simple things like can I get you more water or is there anything I can do for you right now, ask it a lot. Optics of being proactive.

As best as you can try not to let the digs get to you, things will level out and you can address those things at a later time. I do set up limits and I have said, I will not be spoken to like x,y,z. I understand you are upset but this is out of line and counterproductive.

I also recommend that your wife seek out professional help during this time. My wife does after each pregnancy and it helps.

Lastly, it gets better.

Find an opportunity for each of you to leave the house individually and have an hour away. Definitely worth it and gives better clarity

I feel you for dude. Just keep in mind her hormones are still coming back to normal, a lot of the emotion is just a function of the process she's going through. She will get back to what you know, it just takes time. Change the diapers, help as much as you can overnight. My daughter nursed at night, so I want much help there. I did what I could by getting up first to change her then I literally sat down on the floor to keep her company. Don't underestimate the little things.

You'll get through it.

If you can afford it, consider hiring a night doula or nanny to give you both a break. We had a rough first few weeks with our first, so got a night doula for our second and life was much better. And like P1 said - sleep train ASAP. We did it at 5 months and it was the best parenting move we made.

Are you helping to care for the baby, or asking how you can help with that specifically. My wife needed some “alone time” when she could sleep/rest/read/talk on the phone/peruse social media — and know the baby was in my care, and I would t interrupt. Just ask, can I take of the baby for “x amount of time” so you can rest?

Following up on this. OP, how’s it going? Are things better?

I’m sorry man. After my first, I remember thinking that I’ll stick it out until my son goes off to college and then immediately divorce her because it was so bad.

She likely has post parting depression and she needs to flag this to her OB ASAP. If not, you could tell the OB for the sake of the child.

Just suck it up, try to keep your cool, and know that better days are ahead

It’s tough man, so sorry for you. Separate these thoughts:
-It’s not about you
-she needs help and you can help her get it
-Depression is not a mood, and can be addressed
-in the short term: do what’s best for the baby. This includes helping mommy (and daddy)
-seek some help/coaching buddy to protect and strengthen yourself, too

You’ll be fine. Your heart is in the right place.

Don’t worry. If iI have a daughter everything is fine for many years. Then your daughter turns 13. Kidding, not kidding- but I hope you use the a good ideas from this thread!!