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It’s been almost 2 years and mine still hasn’t returned. My wife says that she doesn’t like her body. I totally understand where she is coming from given what she’s gone through. Trying to gently push her to get a little more active to try and help since she hasn’t done a workout since before she gave birth.
I think exercise is a key component of feeling good about yourself.
If you haven’t already, I’d definitely recommend having a brutally honest conversation about how this is impacting you, and what you envision for your marriage (what’s the marriage you want). It’ll be a tough tough conversation, but at least you try before bringing up something that will hurt her as bad as asking for an open marriage.
It’s hard man, I get it.
I’m the same as you, OP. But tbh, our sex life started declining before kids. And two kids and 5 years later, it is essentially non-existent.
Tried talking about it with her previously, only to be rebuffed with the common responses mentioned above. Now it’s too weird to bring up as I feel like some kind of sexual deviant for wanting even just basic once-a-week sex.
I actually realized it wasn’t even the sex I wanted, just the romantic, sexual intimacy. Right now we have an otherwise and outwardly great marriage, we’re a great team, but it’s like I’m a roommate with my best friend. And that’s been eating me up from inside.
Go check out r/deadbedrooms for people in a similar situation. It was great for me to learn that I wasn’t alone, others experience this too. Some people turn it around, but - unfortunately - the most common outcome is people just sticking it out in silence for 10, 15, 20 years because of the kids.
How long after? My wife breastfed for a year on our first and would often say her body doesn’t feel like hers since it’s basically a milk factory (and she is also doing it for our 2nd who is 7 months). Yeah it was a long road and honestly wasn’t the same even after breastfeeding ended so it’s been difficult. I feel ya and hopefully others have more promising stories but I can’t empathize with what her body went through so I imagine it’s not easy on both sides of this equation. I’ve considered therapy to help but besides sex life we have open communication and enjoy life.
OP, you mentioned internal damage and resentment in your prior replies. Sounds like you both had issues before the sex problem
First 9-12 months after each kid was fairly depressing by my standards. After the first year when her cycles normalized and kids stopped breast feeding it was like being in college again 😉
First 4 months was zero. Afterwards I was / am lucky for 1x a month (TMI but usually around a week or so post period). Once breastfeeding and pumping went down to near zero, the hormones kicked in and it was much more frequent (with exceptions like kids being sick, etc)
Same. Although it is a little mutual (more her than me but me a bit as well) as we are so tired most of the time.
We fool around more often as it is just less effort but feels good and is intimate.
I think we just have to accept it for a while. Expecting number 2 soon so the tap may be completely shut for a bit.
Worth it though. Life isn’t perfect.
We had challenges in this area. We talked about it frequently and we’re still having sex every week but not the way it was earlier. A few months back I changed the way I communicated the need from around frequency and quality to connection. This changed everything and immediately changed both frequency and quality. Switching from a how to a different articulation of the why made a huge impact.
Hope this is helpful for someone else and good luck.
It took a year after the first, closer to 2 years after the second to get our sex life back to normal. Same as above, she would say her body didn’t feel normal so I gave her time to get comfortable. Then when she started giving me signals that she was open to it we started slow but things have picked up again now. Nights are fun again but it took years.
Oh man what would I have done without that website in those dry months
You all need to talk, our sex life changed with each kid but it was only a few months till it was back and it got better
I would also ask about why she is sleeping with the kids, that’s not healthy for your relationship or for the kids,
OP - I hear you! My wife no longer enjoys sex the way that we used to. It’s a reality that I’ve learned to accept. She tries once in a while but I can tell that it’s more of a chore for her. We’ve talked about it a lot over the past 3-4 years. Once every 2-3 months, we end up having some spontaneous sex and it’s great but then things go back to normal.
We share all household responsibilities and just have one child. So, it’s not like she’s more stressed or anything! Just that she’s less sexual and doesn’t feel the need to be intimate as much as I do!
It sucks, but these things can’t be forced. The only thing worse than not having sex is doing it when the wife really isn’t into
It! Hobbies and alcohol help take my mind off things 🥲
It’s tough right after kids but it gets back, you have to plan a bit more as spontaneous sex can be tough. For my wife and I, by the time evening rolls around, we are both too shot to try but we will usually plan ahead for morning or afternoon nap time sex. If you don’t plan ahead, one/both of you are bound to miss the small windows that are available.
OP - if you’re “suffering in silence” then presumably you’re not talking to your spouse about it. Common theme from responses here is it requires a two-way dialogue about how each person is feeling.
I get the challenge of lack of time and energy for both parents. But I’m referencing experience from our previous kids as well. Not just the latest. Years of youth have been wasted. And I’m quite bitter about it.
How soon after we are talking? If it’s in the first few years while the kids are extremely needy then yeah suck it up and ride it out. If we’re talking past then then yeah it’s a problem
I would not have an issue if it’s within first 2 years, ergo it is more. Closer to double that length.
Suggest actually programming it. For example, once a week and on that day, ensure she's got a really good break for most of the day and really focus on making it a relaxing, pleasurable experience for her. The mental load makes it difficult to enjoy. If she doesn't enjoy it, she won't wish to keep doing it and would only do so just for your sake.
SM1. I get it as I’m also in the trenches with raising our children. Some days are tough and others are deeply rewarding. However to borrow a coarse example about the bigger picture from business planning, we set a target budget % for each category and we track to that ratio, adjusting each month to overspend or underspend. I don’t think my wife’s brain works like that. She’s put zero hours against anything non-kid related including well, everything. To your point kids are a 150% job and here we are.
Talk to her about it. Be as open and communicative and understanding as you can. Women deal with a lot in pregnancy, let alone delivery and coping to be a new mother. Dry spells happen, but just make the effort to listen to where she is. Then you can make a plan as a team to fix it.
So I have a random thought after thinking about this a little more. What kind of birth control, if any, is your wife on? After our first kid, my wife decided to never go on hormonal BC ever again. Once her cycle started up again and without the synthetic hormones, man I hadn’t remembered a time when she was the one initiating and super into it like she is now. Like pre-kids while she was on the pill, if she was the least bit tired I couldn’t get her interested at all. Then last night I assumed she was too tired (she had fallen asleep on the couch at like 8:30 PM), so once we were in bed I kissed her hand. Since she didnt react I assumed she wasn’t interested. Next thing I know I hear her turn on the air conditioner, and stroke by back, which is a pretty universal sign for let’s get busy. And it was glorious.
While I don’t like barrier methods (guessing there are a lot of dudes like me), it’s a small price to pay to… enjoy my time in bed