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As a professional with a similarly situated life partner for over 30 years I can tell you that marriage is not easy under the best of circumstances. However, like most worthwhile things in life, the harder you have to work at it, the better it becomes. Perhaps thinking of your marriage as another full-time job requiring at least as much effort and concentration as the one you get a paycheck for is the best way to frame it. Your marriage is a "team sport," not a "solo event." Money problems, work pressures, different expectations in the intimacy area, and the over-involvement or under-involvement of in-laws are major reasons for marriages breaking apart. Throw in major issues like infidelity, isolation, differences on whether to have children or how many children make a difficult job almost -- but not entirely -- impossible. My best advice is to make the most of the time you have together. Make that time as stress-free and worry-free as possible. Communicate openly, but not critically, about any problems or differences you need to overcome and overcome those together. You may say "That's easier said than done," but you will probably be surprised at just how easy it is if you really want it. Remember: better or worse, sickness and health, until death do us part -- not "until something better comes along."
We‘ve been together since we were 22 and 24, right at the beginning of our careers. We put a lot of priority on our careers and both worked way more than was probably healthy, and at the beginning we had absolutely no plan: just work hard and see what happens. What helped was living together early on and aligning our finances and family commitments - fair contributions to our joint expenses and savings/investments (while protecting our personal finances to be our own) and balanced attention to time with our families (I.e., rotating holidays).
We also just talked - discussed our days over dinner in the evening, let each know when we had an insane workload that meant we needed to work late or over a weekend, took care to listen so we could empathize with each other when things weren’t going well and celebrate each others’ achievements when things went well.
As for children - we made no specific plan. We agreed we both wanted them and waited until it felt right, then simply stopped trying to not have kids.
We’ve been together 20 years this year, are both in senior leadership roles in different industries (having conveniently taken it in turns to be ahead of each other at different times) and have 6 and 3 year old children - had some rocky moments but continue to make sure we are the most important thing in each others’ lives.
I am a long-time consulting partner-level professional married to a school principal. Both intense jobs. She may not travel, but her hours are often just as much, sometimes more. We also have a child with chronic health issues which adds an entirely different dynamic. Managing the doctors feels like a third full time job at times.
We make it work and continue to have a strong marriage and both do well in our careers. Some thoughts on how to do so. First, release the thought that it will be equal or there is anything close to 50-50. There is no such thing. There are seasons in life. At times, she has leaned into the career and I’ve taken a step back. Other times, I’ve leaned in and she has slowed things down at work. If those are in conflict, we talk about risks and opportunities and decide together where to focus. It is a conscious decision we make together. We have both changed organizations and roles — but never at the same time. And it has impacted us each professionally at times, but we are OK with that because it was the best decision for our family at that time. We don’t look backwards and second guess. You make the best decision you can with the information you had at the time and always look forward.
You also lean in on your village. My parents live down the street from us. If they weren’t here to help, we would have needed to make a different set of decisions. They are happy to do it and we also make sure we help them in ways that we can. I know we would have needed to make different career decisions if they weren’t here.
Then there are lots of practical things you must do. Hire a house keeper and landscaping service. Get a financial and tax advisor. Auto pay all your bills. Buy newer cars and take care of them so they are reliable. Use the dry cleaner to launder all of your shirts. Do projects in your home in large chunks, so you aren’t always managing home projects (and trade off who is responsible for each project). Buy second sets of toiletries so your bag is always packed so getting ready for a trip takes five minutes to pick out your clothes. Proactively replace appliances and other household equipment before they break. We haven’t yet, but I know others who hire a “mother’s helper” for 10-12 hours a week to help with shopping, party planning, organizing, etc . (I hate the name, but that is how you search for them). The goal is to outsource as many things as you can and eliminate as many surprises as possible.
You must actively plan everything, together. We send calendar invites for all travel and evening/weekend events. We plan our months together and every Sunday night review the plan for the week. We make sure we talk daily just the two of us — usually 45 minutes to an hour a day, even when traveling to talk about what is going on at home and at work and plans for our kids medical care. It helps us support each other and gauge how things are going for the other one so we know how we can best support each other.
We have completely eliminated the “guessing game” that so many couples fall into a trap by doing. I don’t expect my wife to magically understand when I need support, a break or time to reconnect with just her. She doesn’t expect me to guess when I need to help out with something at home or take a set of doctors appointments because work is crazy for her. We also know that it is unfair to expect your spouse to make you happy. No one makes you happy. You own your happiness. Your spouse can be a huge piece of that, but for that to be true you need to communicate what would make you happy. You eliminate a lot of disappointment, anxiety, stress, and hurt feelings by clearly expressing your needs.
Be intentional about family time. Be just as intense about committing to your time together as that large proposal. Plan mom-kid and dad-kid days and celebrate it as a cool thing when the other spouse has to work so you get special 1-1 time instead of being upset about the one who isn’t there and who would rather not be missing the family time.
I won’t say it is easy to make it work and we don’t always get it right. But when your mindset is “us against the world” instead of just my career or her career, then old trite line about a strong marriage doubles the joys and halves the sorrows becomes true.
I think having shared hobbies is a super important thing to staying connected when work life gets so busy. I've never been a workaholic, my husband is a bit more. But we've just always been a couple that values quality time as our primary love language. So we golf together and we camp frequently. We don't have kids yet, but we both want them and I think we'll just find ways to integrate them into our hobbies and/or create new hobbies with them.
Make it part of their goals