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They listen, they're just focused elsewhere. Not every kid can immediately pivot from task to task, especially like a mature adult brain can. I would highly recommend the book "Raising your spirited child". I found a ton in there to help. I now give my son time to process what I asked him to do. Sometimes just waiting 10-15 seconds is enough for him to stop what he was doing and start what I asked him. Or, letting him bring a 'transitional item' if we need to go somewhere. Let him being the toy he was just playing with; playing is a toddlers job and they don't always want the interruption. Also, if it's time to go inside for dinner, I give him 15, 10, and 5 minute warnings. Even though he has no idea yet exactly how long it is, he starts adjusting to the thought that there is an end to outside play coming. Just a few thoughts.
And I know you avoid it, but slapping a toddler is an express train to making the problem worse.
Have you considered going to anger management? I’m not sure the extent of slapping your child but that’s a big no.
I backhand my kids too when they frustrate me. Sometimes I use my belt but have found the backhand to be quicker to the punch and more impactful. It’s especially impactful when the red marks are left on their face and you can see the outline of my hand 👌🏻
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I like this idea
My SO is a child psychologist, and she has always suggested that you have to help them understand why they are feeling what they are feeling, and then redirecting after calming. Showing compassion and guiding their feelings is key. Like if they’re throwing a fit about something - “it seems like you’re mad right now. Are you mad about XYZ? Is that right? I’m really sorry about that. But you can’t do that because XYZ. Instead, why don’t we…”
Not sure if this always works in practice, I’m sure it depends on how it’s delivered and the situation/child, but it’s what she always mentions.
I yelled, and I mean truly yelled, out of exhaustion and stress at my toddler son one time. It was the last. I’ll never do it again. They don’t deserve it, and I knew then I needed to find ways to better cope with my stress. Been in therapy ever since. The RoI was what I unlocked about my past and approaches to handle every stressor.
C1 said it, and he’s right. They listen, but sometimes they’re too emotionally expressive and energetic to express it in a way they can even interpret. Seek out Kerwin Rae on how to talk to your children (ex. His son). It definitely changed my approach.
Take a breath, commit to yourself to never hit them. That will just show them that violence is how you deal with stress. You’ll pay that price later. Bad case they resent you and correction is an uphill battle, worst case they get aggressive with other kids and adults.
Try the “when, then” method… when you do this then you can do that.
allocate extra time for everything in the event you need to take the time to patiently deal with a tantrum.
Pick your battles. Need to get out the door ASAP? sucks but might need to bribe them with a treat to get them to listen and they win that one. Next time allocate more time.
Turn things into a game. To get my kid out the door sometimes I race him to the car and he books it to the door to win.
Lower expectations on yourself regarding time… recognize everything takes twice as long. Patience is taking the time to teach them the right behavior and more importantly to model the right behavior in the moment you need to.
Above all… You’re his/her father and they look up to you naturally. If you lose that it will be tough getting it back. While you have it they need you to show (not just tell) them how to be a good person. They’ve literally never done it before.
Do this: https://www.amazon.com/No-Drama-Discipline-Whole-Brain-Nurture-Developing/dp/034554806X
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This is terrible EY. The advice here is good. You need to realize that nothing matters enough to yell at or slap your kid. Did they make a mess? Did they refuse to eat? Did they fuss over a transition? None of it matters except for maybe safety. But even then it’s not yelling out of anger. It’s yelling out of fear and caution.
I have 3 kids. We never punish our kids but we do take away privileges like screen time or late bedtime for behavior issues. We just calmly set expectations for behavior and keep repeating it over and over again. For example if one hits another, we go into an extended comical lecture about not hitting.
When we go to a place and exceptional behavior is needed, we talk about it a lot on the way over. Remember grandma doesn’t like it when you run and scream in the house. When we get there, give her a big hug and ask her how she’s doing. She will really like that. Did you know grandma is my mama! Maybe someday you’ll have kids and bring them to see me. Won’t that be something. I wonder if you’ll have a talk like this with your kids on the way over.
The comment about leaving extra time is great. Just don’t try to do too much stuff. Let them enjoy the park. So before you go. Do you want to go to the park? Okay we can go but remember last time we had a tough time leaving. I want you to have fun but you know we can’t stay here all day. I’m going to set the timer on my phone for 30 minutes and then we will leave. Does that sound good? Then you get there. Show them your phone and say what kind of sound do you want it to play when the timer is done. And let them pick. Then set the timer and when it’s about to go off. Make sure you are near them. They will hear it. And then they will know it’s time to go. If they refuse you might give them another 5 minutes. And then that’s it. And say if they don’t leave nicely this time maybe we won’t get to come to the park again. Leaving nicely is a part of growing up etc.
The most important thing is that you try to talk to your kid and understand and accept them. And.. enjoy this time. It won’t last for ever!