I feel so angry when my SO wants to go out with friends because he’s laid off. I don’t want him to get FOMO but I’d rather him not spend money and look for a job or study up on a new skill or do some kind of side hustle. We recently bought a house and although he’s getting unemployment for now, I’m stressed about the future. He has a lot more student debt, and uses my car (he doesn’t have one). I feel bad for feeling so upset but I also feel justified

I don’t think you should be upset if he hangs out with friends (unless he’s clearly putting zero effort in to finding a new job, going out every night, etc) but I understand you being worried and upset about him spending money. Have you talked to him about your concerns?

Going out 4x a week is overkill IMO but also just because he’s laid off doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy being with friends still. Would encourage you to try to meet in the middle

Sounds like you would be upset about anything he does unless it’s related to job search (you said you would be upset if he played games). I get your feelings but this is overkill from your side, he can’t job hunt 22 hours of the day, and you can’t force someone match what you do. He is an adult, if he doesn’t get a job and then created stress/stain on you to pay mortgage etc, then it’s a conversation to have further and decision for you. But if my partner was thinking this way and pressure me to do what they would do, it would be such suffocating experience.

I understand your feeling because I’d feel similar….what I’ve learned is that this is my own anxiety taking over in trying to control the situation. As someone who has been laid off, I went through my own journey and if someone was on my case about job hunting, not spending money, critical of my ways to decompress, etc - id have surely lost my mind.

Well first I’d like to say I’m really sorry you’re going through this. The pandemic and the economy have put insane amounts of pressure on relationships in so many ways. UGH. And you deserve to feel safe and cared for, especially during this time.

So, my thoughts on this are a bit geared back towards you, since I’m hearing your side of it. Go with me if you will! I do think this insight could be helpful 💖

Okay the harder part first:
It kind of sounds like you’re trying to control him, which is not going to be good for your relationship… if I were you, I’d work out the difference between your anxiety (which is yours to deal with, it’s not caused by him) and your valid needs (which can be asks to him, but again you can’t control another person for your comfort - even a spouse. As annoying as it is! Haha).

I obviously don’t have much info here… if this is a pervasive pattern where for years he’s had you supporting everything and he doesn’t contribute in other ways, I may see this differently. But given what you’ve shared, and that it’s an insanely awful and stressful job market right now, I wonder where your compassion is. I’m assuming he wants time with friends to get away from the stress so he can recharge and be confident in his job search (again, I’m making assumptions and I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt. I don’t know if he’s earned that — if not, that’s a fully different convo about your relationship).

Okay and I don’t wanna just say that and not show you what I mean bc it sounds like I’m blaming you, I’m really not. I’m sharing what I learned in past couples counseling work. It helped so much! Though it was also really hard, painful, and at times super annoying.

So here’s a little example in case it’s helpful (also feel free to ignore this if it doesn’t fit for you!! We all have our own ways, and that’s valid!)

So owning your anxiety means a few things IMO:
—when your worry over the future comes up, you must recognize that a big part of your anxiety comes from how hard it is to partner with someone who doesn’t operate just like you do. They make different decisions and their brain works different than yours. And they must be respected for that, not reprimanded or controlled. Just like they shouldn’t judge you for how you operate (anxiety and all).
—it’ll help to understand why not having this control brings up such deep anger and anxiety (I’d bet that part of your anxiety is driven by the fact that you have this anger and it doesn’t have anywhere to resolve). So if you can understand where it came from (hint: it’s almost always something from childhood 😂) then you can address where you feel unsafe without placing it all on him. And that makes it so much easier to ask for, and actually get, what you need.
—if this anger and anxiety has built up resentment within you, you (solely)must deal with it so it can release. Resentment kills relationships and he has no power over this, it’s all you. Google or chatgpt Gottman’s four horseman - it gives a lot of insight on this one…
—and I’ll add accountability here, if you see this as fully because of him you’re setting both of you up for an insurmountable challenge. Below I’ll show examples of how you can get your needs met! But before you get there with your SO, you’ll need to look deeper and honestly find what you are accountable for in all of this. It levels the playing field and forces your story about it being all his fault to end.

Okay, now for the parts that don’t feel as bad! You definitely have some valid needs here, it’s just about how to untangle them from the big emotions. I like this wheel tool, it helps diagram what’s going on and sort out emotion from need. Here’s how it works:

1. What I saw or what has happened… (just facts - what happened in what order, only a couple sentences)

2. The story I tell myself is… (this is your POV, and the meaning you’ve made up and attached to the events/experience. This gets into Brene Brown’s wirk which is super helpful if you’re interested)

3. I feel… (this is just a sentence or list that lists the feelings you have. Not why, just what they are)

4. What I’m asking for is… (this is where you determine what you need to ask for to keep yourself safe and healthy and happy)


So if I were to fill this in based on the little bit I know:

1. The state of the economy and how it contributed to your layoff has been bringing up a lot of emotions for me.

2. The story I tell myself is that you are prioritizing downtime and fun and spending money instead of taking action — which bleeds into a story I’m telling myself that you care more about that than you do about our life together.

3. I feel overwhelmingly worried about our financial future. And it’s led to some anger that I don’t know what to do with…

4. I don’t want to feel this way, and I know you’re [insert valid compliment to his ability to contribute to your marriage]. To feel safe while we get through this wild time, I need to know that you do care about our future and you aren’t just relying on unemployment with no other plan. Would you be down to share where you’re at and what you’re doing to change things?


*of course you need to go through the exercise yourself but when I first learned this, it really helped to see an example.

I really hope this helps, I know it feels terrible to feel like you’re taking all the responsibility and your partner isn’t. My aim is to help you reconnect with him so you can work it out as a team. Feel free to DM if you ever wanna chat!!

Set a timeline for ex: “if he doesn’t find a job by x date, I will y”. The hard truth is sometimes we’re really just angry at ourselves for enabling behaviors; like you should not be making him lunch to go out. He’s a grown adult, he can do that himself. You’re putting more pressure on yourself than you need to be.

To all couples
Approach your « family » like a leader of any organization.

Have conversations around
What you value, as individuals and as couples.
What are your aspirations and goals
Contingency plans… what if a person gets a bonus ? What if a person gets unemployed?

Then ask: « how does these decisions align with our values and outcomes? ».

Our relationship with our partner is like any organization. You are building a family that wants to thrive and be impactful and give back and prosper….

These conversations should be happening as you meet that person then ongoing as the relationship grows and the shifts….

Leverage your conversational intelligence to have these important conversations!!

Cheers T.

I mean I'm sure he feels bad and needs to feel normal in some way. Being laid off is not fun and I imagine the idleness can easily cause someone spiral.

As long as he has shown some commitment to finding a new job or at least given a timeline for when he wants to get back in the game (taking some time to decompress is a fair ask) I think it's fine.

If he hasn't done those things and you need them to feel comfortable then you should ask.

I would talk to this about him so that you don't grow too much more resentful of this. How often is he going out, how much money is he spending each night, is he taking an Uber vs public transportation, etc. Also- unless he's making zero effort to find a job, everyone needs to get out of the house a bit. So it's all about balance

I totally understand where you are coming from but if this is not a everyday or 3 times a week thing, you shouldn’t be that upset or even react to it. Meeting friends really helps with keeping your morale up and not having that kind of boost could potentially be more detrimental to the whole job hunting process.

job loss and divorce are two major life changing experience that some people need time and space to cope. Please have some empathy to whoever is going through this. Your feeling is understandable, don’t feel awful but rather, find a better way to communicate how you want to help.

People have different mechanisms to react to news like layoffs. Maybe yours is to be proactive and look for a new role tirelessly and he needs some time to process/ready himself. You’re both feeling what you are and nothing wrong with it, it’s a tough time and it will pass. If you’re both in love you will be able to overcome this difference. My advise is to not bottle up your feelings and try to be as transparent. There maybe some moments of silence or even argument but at least you can both be equipped with information about each other’s feelings to react aptly and avoid misunderstandings.
Best of luck, hoping you both get through this ❤️

Yeah. That is how you get to Really know your partner.

I d flip out too. Good luck!