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Anyone here 40s never married, no kids?
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He didn't want me to leave lol
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A lot of my peers said postpartum is no joke. It had a negative effect on them for 2 years before they felt like themselves again. While your need for intimacy is important, her need to find herself again is also. Asking for sex or trying to get her to “feel sexy” can come across as a self serving effort and then she’s going to feel shame and guilt which you do not want. I’m sure she wants intimacy with you but there’s something blocking her and only she can unblock it. You gotta force her to relax and just do her so she can find herself again. You cannot connect when you feel disconnected. So get her back online by giving her some of her time back!
How are chores and child care distributed in your household? I’m a few months postpartum and breastfeeding so my libido is currently nonexistent. When my husband tries to initiate sex, sometimes I go along with it or say I can’t when I’m too tired. But the only times I feel anger specifically is when I’ve done the heavy lifting around the house all day bc it’s like I finally have a moment of rest and you’re trying to take it away after not being helpful. And I’ve heard a lot of women echo the same sentiments (that they’re more willing to have sex when they feel more supported at home)
I’m sorry, OP. I know you mentioned you’d try counseling - hope she agrees to it and it helps you both!
So, my wife and I had no issues until after our twins were born. I attributed it to stress, etc. And it wasn’t because parenting was one-sided or anything. I fully participated, do my own laundry (thanks, mom) and am the household cook (thanks, mom). Turned out she had repressed memories of SA from her teen years and then subsequent shaming from her Church of Christ-preacher father. She went into intensive regressive therapy, and now we are working through it. Long story short, there may be something deep seated that even she doesn’t understand. Try therapy and understand this may a journey she needs to solo on for a time. Good luck.
++ like we have an almost two year old. But weeks and months go by without a single intimate moment. She doesnt like to be touched, any physical contact is off limits for her. I dont know if I can handle this situation any more without things getting really nasty between us. Any suggestion is highly welcome!
Besides physical (i.e. medical) reasons (which should be looked into), couples therapy will help each talk through their issues and possibly appreciate things about their partner that they didn’t before… for her, intimacy might return if she understands the challenges you have. (It seems she’s not working, or not working at a job as hard or intensely as you)? You might want to let her know that you think it’s needed. She will say why, and you can say after having a child you think there are many things you don’t think you connect so well anymore. You may not understand her challenges and she yours. And you want to talk it through to heal the marriage/partnership. (If you say immediately it’s because of the sex issue, it sounds like she may get mad — so leave that to be discussed during couples therapy. You could mention that as one of the reasons, though, of course delicately…Physical (i.e medical) reasons for lack of sexual intimacy in the marriage can be discussed / brought up and explored during counselling / therapy, as well…)
Weeks and months is not normal. I’m a very sexual person and my husband is not and we still manage 1-2 a week and more when things are not as stressed. We also have a two year old. there may be something going on with her but she has to communicate that like an adult.
Wishing you the best
Im in a same situation. Wife is always disinterested or have it just for the heck of it 😔
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OP, does she work? Or stays at home? Have you thought that maybe she likes somebody else? And that could be why she’s not interested?
Another possibility could be that she’s low on testosterone and has no sex drive. Hormonal imbalance.
Having those type of conversations is very uncomfortable but, they need to happen.
How is her workload at home? If she’s home with a toddler all day she’s probably overwhelmed and touched out by the end of the day. Make sure she’s getting breaks from the baby and some alone time to decompress. Plan a date night, tell her she looks pretty. Don’t pressure her, just be kind and helpful and let it happen naturally. For women especially, intimacy starts outside the bedroom.
Depending on how important this is for you, it is a valid reason to walk away.
Yeah this gets tricky and I feel for ya. My wife and I used to have what I thought was a great sex life. Then shortly after we got married she said she never liked sex with anyone ever but knew it was something she had to do if she wanted someone to marry her. After years of have a less than 1 percent sex rate I stopped trying. Now it's been about a year since we last did it and she asks me why I don't want to do it any more and why I'm not asking. Who wants to do it with someone who makes it clear it's an incredible chore for them?
Wo!!
I'm sorry, but there are underlying issues. Uou need to demand she goes to the doctor. Like asap. It's non negotiable. It will take a lot of patience on your part and alot of support, so be prepared. You have to be willing, if not, just move on. There is no comparison, ever, to the effects that having a child has on a woman. It's such a mental shitshow. When is the last time she had a night alone? A night out? A day to herself. Send her away every couple months. You really need to pour into her and encourage her to pour into herself more. She has to want to come out of this funk. Good luck!
Couples therapy, to help to support getting into why and there are sex coaches too that can support in bringing back the intimacy
Im in a same situation. Wife is always disinterested or have it just for the heck of it 😔
Mine told me she wouldn’t blame me if I has a girlfriend. Soooo