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Solidarity girlfriend. Some days life’s a game of deciding which balls are rubber and which are glass. And then being okay dropping the rubber ones. Hang in there. We have all been there and I’m sure you’re doing better than you’re giving yourself credit for.
There is a book about this.
Drop the Ball: Achieving More by Doing Less https://a.co/d/cK35ybk
I really, really, really wish media and society at large would stop implying that it’s possible “lean in” and be a Super Working Mom when you have children between the age of “Learning To Walk And Possibly Bonk Their Heads On Absolutely Everything, So Mom Is On High Alert 24/7 For The Next Few Years” and “Start Of School Age When They Are Usually Occupied On A Dependable Schedule For At Least A Few Hours A Day.”
It’s OK to say those toddler years are a whirlwind of chaos, and hold on tight, and just find coping mechanisms to get through it without necessarily having to be Superwoman.
Thanks for writing this. I feel like a failure and I’m not getting promoted any time soon. But I’m paid and working consistently and my kids if loved and my house is awesome. I am happy.
Same. I loved what shonda Rhimes said about doing it all:
“Shonda, how do you do it all?
The answer is this: I don’t.
Whenever you see me somewhere succeeding in one area of my life, that almost certainly means I am failing in another area of my life.
If I am killing it on a Scandal script for work, I am probably missing bath and story time at home. If I am at home sewing my kids’ Halloween costumes, I’m probably blowing off a rewrite I was supposed to turn in. If I am accepting a prestigious award, I am missing my baby’s first swim lesson. If I am at my daughter’s debut in her school musical, I am missing Sandra Oh’s last scene ever being filmed at Grey’s Anatomy. If I am succeeding at one, I am inevitably failing at the other. That is the tradeoff. That is the Faustian bargain one makes with the devil that comes with being a powerful working woman who is also a powerful mother. You never feel a hundred percent OK; you never get your sea legs; you are always a little nauseous. Something is always lost.
Something is always missing.
And yet. I want my daughters to see me and know me as a woman who works. I want that example set for them. I like how proud they are when they come to my offices and know that they come to Shondaland. There is a land and it is named after their mother. In their world, mothers run companies. In their world, mothers own Thursday nights. In their world, mothers work. And I am a better mother for it. The woman I am because I get to run Shondaland, because I get write all day, because I get to spend my days making things up, that woman is a better person—and a better mother. Because that woman is happy. That woman is fulfilled. That woman is whole. I wouldn’t want them to know the me who didn’t get to do this all day long. I wouldn’t want them to know the me who wasn’t doing.”
aaaaaand my dog just threw up his whole dinner on the living room rug. cool, cool, cool
I feel you. I think we have to be real with ourselves - of the main titles we cannot be overachievers in all things all of the time. So we rotate. I swear when I’m killing it at work, my house is a wreck. Or if I’m feeling good about having advocated for my special needs kid, I probably prioritized doctor calls over 1:1’s. There are only 24 hours in a day and I have to sleep for 8 of them, at least most days. Not everything can get done. Sometimes mediocrity is okay.
Hang in there. You definitely aren’t alone!
I feel this deeply. Single mom with 1 kiddo but the rest is there. I can’t keep all the balls in the air and don’t even know how to create a support network / village
Same situation, sending ❤️
You are not alone! This shit is so hard, like extremely hard, and it’s unfair that there is such a lack of support for mothers / parents in our industry and society. I wish people could see how hard it is.
I feel the same, OP. Three young kids and a husband with a “big” job outside the of the house. I find it is key to keep my own needs in the mix. Women assume many things are our own responsibility - but they could be outsourced. It is way too much to do when the kids are young. We accept that women’s work is our work, but this is simply a construct inherited through the long-standing patriarchy. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, breaking down boxes from online shopping, walking the dog, picking up the kids, and many other tasks can be done by hired help or a willing family member. We can’t outsource building relationships with the kids and bonding with family, so that’s our unique value at home. I encourage getting as much help as possible, and tossing the rule book that tells us to do it all at home. I have a grandparents owning specific kids activities (there are so many). Husband does school drop offs and dr appointments. Nanny manages school pickup, school folders, the bulk of homework, and kids laundry. That way I can focus on playing with the kids for a solid hour before bedtime. I often even ask the nanny to feed them dinner before I’m done with work so I can play with them and enjoy the fun moments.
There are still days that are much harder than others, when I remind myself how great it is to have both a loving family and work I enjoy.
I feel like the old “Good, cheap and fast—you can only have two” adage from our industry is “Clean house, successful at work, happy kids” at home. I’m always gonna pick the latter two.
MEEEEE TOOOO!!!!
One of my colleagues said it well: we need to kill the myth of work life balance. There really is no such thing. Sometimes it tilts more towards family and sometimes more towards work. And that’s how this industry is. It doesn’t make you a bad mom or bad employee, just a person.
I feel this so hard… it’s so hard especially if kids are under 2… (well I don’t know mine are so is it easier if they are older)
I’ve recently dealt with a lot of stress too.. Had a home break in with US SLEEPING IN THE HOUSE.. then the war in Ukraine, I’m from there so have many friends and some close family too even have classmates fighting.. some days I’m just so unfocused.
I started being less careful about routes, like I’ll miss a “insert coma here” in a 50+ comments situation. And now my account teammates are reporting me to my boss behind my back instead of at least going to me.. I feel very stressed and like my every move is being watched at work.. it’s also a new team That has no idea about my situation, and frankly I’m not to vocal about my personal life especially at work since I think you have to remain professional always but it’s so hard to always have it together when you have so much stress outside of work..
I try to keep it positive mind and calm myself down with “it’s ok, you have a back up plan if what”… my old agency wanted me back so if I get fired or quick I have a place to go but I’ve never been in this situation at work so it’s hard
lots on your plate, mama. sending 🤍
I am so with you
I ended up investing in an evening babysitter a few nights a week. She got us through the insanity of those early years semi-intact.
I’m right there with you!