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Seriously I’m being called “lady” multiple times each day and it’s making me feel like sh*t. Nobody in my outside-of-work life has called me that in ages. I work remotely and nobody has ever met me in person (covid hire) so they can’t really tell how androgynously I dress (not that that’s required at all for being NB, just my preference). I’m just assumed to be a cis woman with a short haircut. I’m starting hormones and getting top surgery within the next few months, so I’m definitely not a woman...
Those are good places to start although In hindsight it was silly of me to think that HR would be able to help/ handle things properly.
To add, Asking your managers and colleagues (even if they’re part of the problem) to help with correcting people can help too. It also puts the ball in their court to ensure they recognize that not misgendering them is their responsibility and part of their job performance. Asking them to slack people on your behalf or correct in the moment can help lessen the pain and additional burden you’re carrying for simply being yourself.
Lastly, teaching people to authentically apologize is important but also helping them understand that what’s more important (at least for me) is that they need to intentionally correct themselves in the moment bc it is key to reprogramming their habits. Those actions show me that they actually care to change for the better.
When people call you “lady” I recommend flat out telling them that it makes you feel uncomfortable, not seen, etc. I’ve said things like “I have no idea who you’re talking about when you say that bc it doesn’t resonate w me at all.” But I think even that doesn’t get the message across.
Don’t just tell people what you “prefer” tell them who you are, remind them what your pronouns are, and demand to be seen.
As we know, most people aren’t trying to be malicious but many are inherently ignorant. Especially older generations when it comes to this topic. It’s not your job to educate them, but it is in your own best interest to not tolerate that level of pain every single day.
Misgendering is death by a thousand paper cuts.
Don’t drink poison and wait for your enemy to die. Give them a taste of their own medicine - hell, start misgendering them back.
Bowl Leader
Yes please these are my pronouns—nothing preferred about em
Please come out. There are a lot of things wrong with our industry, but this isn't one of them. You can change your company and your industry just by speaking your truth. You will be welcomed and celebrated. And those few people who roll their eyes: fuck 'em (I mean, don't actually fuck them; they don't deserve you. You know what I mean).
How big is your team? Can you get away with just correcting people one at a time and having that be the end of it? I doubt that anyone is trying to be malicious
Oh absolutely they’re not trying to be malicious! Everybody has been incredibly kind and welcoming since I began, and of course they have no way of knowing how their word choices make me feel. It’s a pretty big agency and as a junior I’m working with several teams, so correcting people one at a time might be the best way to go as there’s no real way to tell everybody at once aside from, like, sending a mass email. I think I’ll start telling people in a very NBD way that I prefer gender neutral terms. Thanks!
One suggestion on top of all of the tips already here: consider looking for someone who you think can be an ally (maybe it’s a manager or another queer person or even just a project manager who talks to a lot of people) and let them know that you prefer to not be called a lady, and let them do the talking. This might feel less daunting than trying to email everyone at once, or correcting someone face to face.
A lot of times these gently corrective discussions happen when the person (you) isn’t actually there. I’ve had to gently correct a coworker (and I have been gently corrected myself) that “oh actually X’s pronouns are they/them” and we all move on with the conversation.
At some point (hopefully) word will get around and people will pick up on it.
This is not to say that you shouldn’t correct someone on the spot but it’s another route that can feel less confrontational.
A few folks who have come out whilst working at my company have done so to their manager and a few friends/understanding colleagues (one of which was me) and asked us to help them communicate this to others. We already had pronouns in our emails, so changing those helped, too. Hope you find those allies where you are!