Not exactly an 'overheard at work' moment, but it's close enough. I walked into a small cafe in my neighborhood to grab a drink, and I saw an employee. I wanted to say hi to her after I got my drink, but while I was in line, I heard her say to her husband that she sees me and didn't want to stay. She thought she was inaudible but wasn't, and now my mood for the day is ruined. Is it to that bad to be around your manager? Or am I just a bad one?

Might be that she just wants a separate personal life. Small talk can be awkward. The important thing here is you care IF you’re a bad manager. Generally, that means you’re not. Bad managers don’t care.

I’m pretty neurospicy and can be super awkward in social situations. I have this “social mask” I wear for work because I have to be social to function, but outside of that I could totally live like a hermit and be just fine. So if I see someone I know when I’m in my comfort zone, I’ll usually avoid them. It’s not because I’m rude or don’t like them, it just takes a lot of mental energy to be social sometimes.

Most people wouldn’t even know I’m neurospicy unless I told them, so we all deal with things in our own quirky ways. If it was mean girl vibes instead, that’s on her, not you. Sorry it messed up your day, but someone avoiding a conversation isn’t necessarily a reflection of you, it’s usually a reflection of them. And for people like me, it’s often just plain anxiety.

She probably hates her job, and not you. So anything that reminds her of work on a Sunday is probably worth running away from. I don't think you should take it so personally.

Tbh, I'd do the same. I just don't want an awkward conversation and I personally hate small talk.

Might not go as far as to say that they hate their job, but honestly sometimes people just have hard work/life boundaries. She might have felt guarded talking there due to work pressures, wouldn’t take it personally

You spend the whole weekend trying to get a break from work. You’re the main person who assigns her tasks.

I would not take that personally, some people are really emotionally immature and that is on her for not being polite — especially if you are her boss! It takes to minutes to small talk, say good bye, and then carry on with the rest of your day. If you are a bad boss, make a note for when you do her performance review! (Just joking)

I wouldn't want a whole drawn out interaction with my boss outside of work. Nod/smile is more than enough.

I agree with others that you're overthinking this. Maybe she's stressed out about something personal and not in the mood to smile or make small talk, maybe she wasn't wearing her normal makeup and felt insecure about her appearance.

Her issue, not yours. Don’t let it bother you!

I am the opposite of that employee. If I had seen you come in, I would have smiled and possibly waved. I would have been just fine for you to walk over and say hello and wish you well for remainder of the day. But I am different than most.

Mm1- thanks for sharing your perspective.

I’m quite social at work bc I know a ton of teachers and other ancillary staff; I serviced 5 schools each year as a school social worker-mental heath support- that was my yearly assignment for most of my career. Each day of the week I’m in a different school that starts with their MTSS mtgs; and each school has different ppl on their team-not all players are on the same team in my schools. (MTSS team mtgs drive problems solving for students; each discipline is included, teacher, principal, title one teacher, sped teacher, speech, sswk, psych , OT, PT -if needed. If I’m in the school early and see a team member, chances are we will exchange pleasantries, at a minimum. Or ask each other how our kids are doing. It’s easy to get to know someone if you’re on the team w them for like 12 years. If I’m in for crisis work I’ll definitely stop in to see the secretary and say hi. Sometimes I’ll bring them an ice tea or Diet Coke.

It’s when I get home that I have no interest in going out. I’m perfectly fine hanging out w my beautiful dog when my husband is at work. It’s such a difference for me between work and home. I never really thought of it before this.

Do you really believe she didn't mean for you to hear her? I'm a firm believer that everything is intentional. You were supposed to hear what you heard, and now this is an opportunity to build on it.

If it was intentional, this is your opportunity to dig in and build a rapport with her. Have meaningful 1:1 meetings and discuss more than just her current KPIs. Discuss where she sees herself growing and developing in the organization and find ways to help her. Be open to receiving feedback by asking the hard questions, such as "In what ways can I better support you?" or "What can we do better as a company to show we are listening?" or "Are there parts of my management style that don't necessarily work for you?"

Although this moment and the questions I've offered may seem "personal", this is not a personal matter - it's all business. I am sure you are a good manager because you actually care. It's time to really show it.

Ouch!

Several possible... One she is stressed out in general and/or concerned about something she is responsible for that she owes u. Thought you would talk to her in front of her husband did not want confrontation

I can understand why that would upset you. I have found that the reasons people act a certain way have everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. Maybe she had just been crying or something. She likely just wasn’t in the mood and it wasn’t personal. I would mention you saw her and was disappointed you didn’t get a chance to say hello. That provides an opening she might take to say why she left so quickly-but she may not. If you think it is hard for you to move past, you might reach out to Human Resources to see what to do.

I don't think I would give it another thought. She might not want to introduce you to her husband. I wouldn't ask her why she left but, I might say oh I saw you at XX Cafe, I wanted to say hello after I got my drink but, when I turned around, you were gone.. See where it goes from there.

She’s not very bright, that’s for sure.

To answer your question, I wouldn’t take it to mean that you’re a bad manager at all. It’s important for managers to understand that, even though they may have an altruistic approach to the personal side of management, you are still the person who has to deliver the business side of management.

Some employees can’t separate the two, and so your presence is a reminder of work and the business, which may not suit that employee (or any of them, for that matter).

Either way, it’s totally normal to want to separate yourself from work when you’re not at work. A lot of people place tremendous value on those boundaries.

That said, perhaps she was a regular there and feels comfortable talking to her husband about personal things and didn’t want you to overhear them.

Or maybe her husband was away on business and that was her side piece.

Regardless, if she’s unable to temper her emotions and deliver that message to her mate in a way that her direct manager doesn’t hear her, then she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed.

What will really be interesting is how you handle her after this. I would imagine it will be difficult to separate how you view her and her work from her comments in the coffee shop.

Sometimes, once you've read up on psychology as applied to to marketplace /workplace, you realize that not all people get along. It's pretty simple really, and not as complex as it supposedly seems. Be courteous and respectful and these situations become an easy hurdle to be overcome. Accept that socially that employee needs you to be as far away from you as possible especially outside of the working space - nothing weird about it, and normal people behave like that often. Don't over analyze it and work on relationships until you understand this sociaetal 'norm'.