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Might be that she just wants a separate personal life. Small talk can be awkward. The important thing here is you care IF you’re a bad manager. Generally, that means you’re not. Bad managers don’t care.
I’m pretty neurospicy and can be super awkward in social situations. I have this “social mask” I wear for work because I have to be social to function, but outside of that I could totally live like a hermit and be just fine. So if I see someone I know when I’m in my comfort zone, I’ll usually avoid them. It’s not because I’m rude or don’t like them, it just takes a lot of mental energy to be social sometimes.
Most people wouldn’t even know I’m neurospicy unless I told them, so we all deal with things in our own quirky ways. If it was mean girl vibes instead, that’s on her, not you. Sorry it messed up your day, but someone avoiding a conversation isn’t necessarily a reflection of you, it’s usually a reflection of them. And for people like me, it’s often just plain anxiety.
Just to be clear, I don’t use being neurodivergent as an excuse, and I never have. I also don’t owe strangers my trauma, but since you’re passing judgment, here’s some context. I spent many years in a controlling, abusive relationship where simply talking to a male coworker could get the crap beaten out of me. I’m not in that situation anymore, but it left me with lasting anxiety when it comes to being seen or socializing unexpectedly.
So no, it’s not about being “rude” or “this generation.” It’s about learning to navigate the world again without feeling like everything I say could get me in trouble. Everyone’s carrying something you can’t see, which is why I lead with empathy, not hostility.
And for what it’s worth, I would say hi and do the pleasantries. I just wanted to put things in perspective, it wasn’t about the manager, but about the person and how they chose to act in that moment. I’m not rude to strangers on the internet I know nothing about, either. Case in point, you don’t know me, what generation I’m from (I guarentee you I am at least your age if not older), or how I was raised, yet you used my comment to vent.
My awkwardness and neurospiciness just compound the fear that talking to someone could somehow get me in trouble, now even years after I've left that situation. You might be surprised what people are quietly surviving.
I definitely would not address it directly. That was something she said to her husband in private, at least she thought. If you have weekly checks with your direct reports, you could ask her how everything is going and dive into any concerns she may have at work. But do not bring it up unless she does. Do you hold any team building activities? Monthly or quarterly happy hours? Milestone celebrations for the team, like marriage, a new baby or promotion? If you don't, it might not be bad to start doing so going forward if it's feasible.
Also, if I was a manager and I ran into one of my charges outside of work, I’d give them a quick wave and a warm smile and go about my business.
I would do it in a way that would show that I didn’t expect them to converse with me and that I wasn’t planning on stopping by their table to catch up. It’s a great way to show that I respect their boundaries and have the emotional intelligence to know that there’s a really good chance that they aren’t interested in talking to their manager on their off time.
I wouldn’t engage them in a conversation of any kind unless they were insisting on it.