Why oh why do "remote" positions for US employers require FTEs to physically live in the United States??? I want to know the real reason.

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Tax. The company would be liable to pay taxes to the country you end up residing in or travelling more than 6 months to legally. Of course people do it under the radar all the time.

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If FTE means full time employees, then it’s likely because of taxation

At least that’s why my company requires us.

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What holiday party did you get?
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