Can I get some advice on how to tell my coworker to back off? I'm a woman, who has ADD and RBF which together can make me seem more aggressive than I actually am. Which is fine. I'm fine with it, people warm up to me and relax, etc. Except this one coworker from a different org I meet with about once per month. He is constantly telling me to smile more on zoom calls, giving me weird tips to make me 'seem friendlier'. My attitude doesn't impact my work, so I don't think it's his business. Is there a professional way to tell him to buzz off or should I resign myself to dealing with this forever?

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Talk to your manager. If a peer is telling you to smile more at work, your manager needs to deal with that; not your job.

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Yes, by HR standards someone commenting on your appearance or behavior is on the line of harassment and offl limits. Involve management early to get a 3rd party involved. Ask that feedback to the individual be anonymous. You are not a tattletale; it’s not about the persons work performance, it’s about their professional behavior. Their manager can speak with your manager. But do not try to solve this on your own, it will become your word against his. You need the third party.

This is incredibly sexist, not to mention unprofessional (and very rude). Has he ever told a male colleague to smile more or be friendlier? My guess is not. If you want to confront him, I’d start by asking him that. Something like “I actually find those comments offensive, and I hope you aren’t saying such things just because I’m a woman. I’ve never heard you say anything similar to our male colleagues. I don’t believe my personality is affecting my work in way. If you do, can you give me a specific example?” I’m sure he will be defensive, but hopefully it gets the point across. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to him yourself (I probably wouldn’t) I think it’s completely appropriate to ask HR for help. DO NOT DEAL WITH THIS FOREVER (or even for another minute)!!

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Thank you! I agree his behavior is sexist but it honestly is validating to hear someone else say it too. I like the tip of asking him to for specific examples and if he does things like this to male colleagues as well.

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I second the suggestion to talk to your manager. Nothing good will come from you confronting the coworker directly. His response will most likely be condescending and/or gaslighting, you will get more upset and "aggressive" (putting the word in quotes because it almost never gets used to describe a man) in your response, then he'll spread the word that you are the one who offended him. I speak from experience.

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+1 on bringing it up with your manager. “This makes me uncomfortable” and explain how it feels demeaning, disrespectful, etc. Tie it to your company values language if you can. I find managers have to take that seriously, and most will — in my experience at larger companies managers have become a lot more cautious in the last few years and are less likely to try to brush you off. This also usually has a better end result than trying to confront the sexist/bully coworker directly.

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I would say, "While I appreciate the feedback, I'm not concerned about how friendly I come across as." If he persists, involve HR or both your managers.

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It's so cringy when men think its still ok to talk to women like this. I'd say to approach your manager about it and be constructive in terms of crafting a response.

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SO cringe. A man who is smart, capable, and ambitious is not told he needs to 'lighten up' and be nicer so that people like him. This is one of the places where I still feel sexism is alive and kickin' in the workplace.

Yes this guy is out of line, no you shouldn't resign yourself to dealing with it forever. I'm going to "devil's advocate" an approach different than most of the replies.

Disclosure: I'm a man.

This person may be a real misogynist mofo. or he might be the sweetest guy in the world who's just a real social clutz. Probably he's somewhere closer to the latter. You don't know for sure, but you're usually safe assuming the best intentions until they prove otherwise.

My suggestion is you send him an email. BCC your boss, HR, or anyone else that makes you feel comfortable. Convey your needs, wrapped in optimism, e.g.:

"John, I want to quietly give you some feedback. It feels inappropriate when you to ask me to smile more, or to offer tips on how to seem more friendly.

I believe you are trying to helpful to a coworker you respect. You probably don't realize that these kinds of comments can make people feel uncomfortable.

I would appreciate it if we kept our discussions related only to work subjects."

90% of guys will be embarrassed, apologize, and do better. But they will appreciate the straightfoward feedback because they genuinely didn't know they were behaving badly.

The other 10% of guys would still be a problem anyways, but at least you'll know you did your best to fix things in a collaborative way.

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This is a perfectly crafted response. I would literally copy paste it if I were in this situation. lol

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"I appreciate the concern, but I am a friendly person, and my attitude does not impact my work. Please abstain from giving me any tips regarding this in the future." Or just talk to your manager about it, like everyone else said.

Edit: This reply could potentially confirm his beliefs, but does that really matter? I don't think so, he's just a colleague you rarely meet with.

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