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For what it’s worth… when I was with my ex I got along with his friends well enough, but I never really felt like they were “my people” and I couldn’t genuinely lean in to be super warm and interested in them … because I just wasn’t objectively that interested in them. When the ex and I parted ways and he started dating someone else, I saw a picture of them at one of his friend‘s weddings. I breathed a sigh of relief that I wasn’t at that friend‘s wedding… even though I knew them.
Now, fast forward four years. I’m with somebody else that I’m really excited about. We’re in the early stages of dating. He’s already introduced me to a couple of his closest, longtime friends. And without any effort whatsoever, I feel like I really gelling with them and they really like me!! We’re now planning to meet up and do a ski trip this Jan with his friends and honestly, I’m so excited to meet more of his friends and to get to know them. The same warmth and fuzziness that I feel towards this new significant other, I can feel it almost bubbling over and bubbling out of me and towards his friends.
It’s a night and day difference between these two relationships!!
And no, it’s not like I fundamentally changed as a person. I am still the same person to all of the people that were my friends from the era of the prior relationship, and newer friends.
Sometimes it’s actually not just about the friends and whether they get along… it might be an indicator that the values / lifestyle of the friends + the family is just not compatible with the significant other. And so that’s actually the bigger sign of potential incompatibility to watch for
Best of luck !!
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Sounds like your gf is being genuine and not putting on a fake persona to impress your family.
Have you told your sisters that you’re thinking of proposing? If not, I would sit them down (even on FaceTime if you don’t live near each other) and have this conversation. Say that you’re wanting to spend the rest of your life with her and that you need to know how they truly feel about her and that.
I would also look at things from an outside perspective. How much do you see your family now? A couple times a year, or closer to every month? Will that continue?
How do your close friends feel about her? Is there anyone who really, really likes her; or more so likes the two of you together? If everyone is neutral about her, then perhaps she’s not the right one for you
Mmm we'll you're in a tough spot. Sounds like it's not a resounding yes from you right now. Just continue to think on it.
If you’re very close to your sisters then you may want to pause on proposing. Being in love feels great but can make you blind sometimes to things that signal someone isn’t right for you.
The people who know you best can spot those things easily. You just need to be certain that things like jealously, cattiness, or possessiveness are not at play. Best of luck.
This is normal. Being related (future sister in laws) does not mean you'll be close. As long as its not an invisible spot on your side as to her integrity or motives, expect that she won't automatically love your family and they won't love her. IMO, I want a relationship where forced closeness and forced proximity aren't required. I think its ok to have separate lives and go speerately to gatherings. I hate when people think because you're married or dating that it means total capitulation. Support and love are not exclusive with presence in the others outside lives unless that is a deal breaker.
Have you talked with the gf about marriage?
Honestly when you marry someone you marry their family.
You have to constantly see them and be around them.
If either party is tense you should do something about that early on and not bring her into a hostile environment. She deserves at least that.
Especially if you decide to have kids she’ll need help.
What is your relationship with your siblings like when your gf isn’t around? If it’s about the same, maybe that same feeling of “lukewarmness” might be there when she’s not around, but it’s more easily noticeable when your gf is around family because the stakes tend to be higher. You have high hopes, you’re wanting her to get along really well with them, like the movies. I’m here to tell you it’s possible. But it takes work, from both sides. For some reason I’m thinking of the movie “anyone but you”. Both families were far from perfect and they all had their unique quirks that either caused strife among some characters and seem less connection with others.
Thanks for the insight, helpful
I envisioned my close circle meeting my eventual partner and thinking "what a great match he found
" and admire her, but that is not really the case. I think people are generally underwhelmed and think I could have done better for the lack of a better word.
Some of this is caused by my gf who has not shown the care or effort to make a good impression with those closest to me. Nothing disrespectful, but also not going that extra step to impress and connect when initially forming that relationship with your partner's close circle. She also generally is not someone who puts much effort into dressing up, being social, showing warmth etc.
In any case, the lack of enthusiasm and admiration regarding the person I'm with is making me feel like I'm settling. I know it's not good to seek validation, but I'm genuinely afraid this is going to carry on and affect my relationship down the road. I don't want to be disappointed.
I don't know what to do.
Thers nothing wrong with settling as long as you are genuinely fulfilled. As much as I think I deserve a Michael B Jordan I wouldnt be as happy as when I found a short nerdy boy who doesnt make money. Thats not settling because I feel lucky but if you don't feel lucky it might not be because of her it might be timing.
guys are more giving
women can be so petty with this stuff- she didn’t kiss their a$&@ so they say she’s cold etc. or looks can be another factor, comparisons
maybe she’s a bit introverted, so what
if she makes you happy, has similar values, then go for it.
sisters are prob neurotic
Have you considered talking to your girlfriend about her relationship with your family? I can see how much you care about impressions and bonding, but MAYBE she hasn’t fully realized how important this is to you. Since she may not have siblings, or perhaps isn't very close to them, her perspective on family dynamics might be different than yours.
It’s normal for people to feel differently about meeting new people and bonding, especially after the pandemic. You mentioned that there’s no tension, which is a good sign. If you’re considering proposing because you genuinely love her and envision a future together, not because of expectations, given that you've been dating her for two and a half years, then you should talk to her, listen to her perspective, and express your feelings and concerns openly. I mean, if this is the woman you want to be your wife, you should talk to her
Tell them if they really truly love you they will accept your partner or they don’t have to come to the wedding. Personally I’d tell them straight, if they are going to attend but they are going to express disappointment or disapproval then don’t bother coming simple.