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Rising Star
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Tell him you understand he's stressed and so are you. You'll be happy to continue the apartment search when he's ready to do it with you.
This should definitely be something you do together. If he's not ready for that, and you're in a time crunch, get your own place and tell him you can revisit after your lease ends. It's one of those things where you need to be straightforward. You don't want to move in together already feeling drained and not excited.
Enthusiast
Ily cuz my brain wanted to scream dump him. You’re patient and assertive
Rising Star
DO NOT MOVE IN WITH SOMEONE YOU ARE NOT MARRIED TO!!!!
Enthusiast
I didn’t live with my husband before marriage and am glad we didn’t. We spent the first year or two learning about each other as newlyweds should do but we had the lifelong commitment there. If you’re committed to someone, you make it work - regardless of how they do chores. Everyone has quirks and annoying traits. Why do you need to live together to assess if these are tolerable? If they’re intolerable, don’t be with them. Why buy the cow if you get the milk for free? I know a lot of couples that lived w their SOs and broke up with them after years together. Lots of investment, money lost, broken leases, shared pets/ custody issues, and bitter feelings after. Live with the person you’re determined to marry.
Please be careful! I don't think you should move in together. Just say you are feeling super stressed and just getting a place by yourself for now and then he can move in a bit later.
He's already using you as an estate agent. Not long till you become the maid and the primary breadwinner too.
Pro
His lack of interest makes me think he may not really want to do this…. And it won’t be good for you unless he is all in. Before you move any further, maybe back off from doing everything and get him to equally participate in the process - and if he won’t, put the stop on it. Otherwise it may not end well….
That is the behavior I’m dealing with in my marriage, and let me tell you, it has great consequences. My husband can’t help with any big decisions (we now have 2 kids and a house), and I’m going to cut back on hours at work because he’s no help. I wouldn’t move in with that guy unless he’s pulling his weight elsewhere or he changes and starts getting more involved. But imagine you have kids and you have to figure out what schools they go to, how you fix the budget for that, what the schedule is, when/how you fees them, and oh, how to refinance your house too - all by yourself. That’s not a marriage.
You’re probably right, but the consequences seem big: we lose money on refi, kids don’t have school coverage, etc.
Guy here…. I think you should run from this relationship. Relatively this is the easy stuff, i cant imagine what it will be like when the tougher stuff comes your way
People who live with Significant Other prior to marriage are at higher risk for divorce. This has been backed by numerous studies
Rising Star
Also numerous studies about unhappily married religious couples who don’t believe in 1 living together before marriage and 2
divorce. I personally would prefer divorce to misery.
Tell he you’ll break up with him if his attitude doesn’t improve. If he doesn’t understand how important this is to you, follow through
Rising Star
To be honest, this isn’t a good approach (unless you truly are ready to walk away) Threaten someone with a breakup and you are basically already broken up. At the second that is brought up, the relationship is already over.
Already stressed out about searching for an apartment? Not a good sign at all.....
Honestly, this is where my head is at too. I get it is a new city and neither live there already, and it’s first time searching. As someone who did apt searching 5-6 years ago, and house searching 3 years ago, I can confirm that apt searching is 5x easier. Get an agent to help you; sure it costs more and maybe isn’t necessary, but it will definitely help de-stress the process some. Maybe it’s simply not time to move yet? Can your current living situation hold up another 3-6 months until you are less stressed from work to try again?
Get out now…..
My boyfriend did the same thing at 27. We ended up breaking up but getting back together and 2 years later our relationship is better than ever and now we live together. He might just have to realize the hard way..
Sounds like he is not enthusiastic about moving in with you. I’m sorry. But you deserve someone that is excited about making such a big move.
https://family.drlaura.com/b/The-Hidden-Costs-of-Shacking-Up/11956388695820911.html
A12, she has suggested very awful things…I heard a female caller once where she basically told her that she has a duty in marriage to have sex with her husband literally whenever he wants it. She has a value system from like the Middle Ages. She is incredibly sexist
Your boyfriend is self-absorbed, after 5 years it should be bigger than him. This whole post screamed HIM HIM HIM. Nothing about you and what you want for yourself, it’s not your “dream” city and there is no ring on your finger. Let’s be real here..you know what you should do, maybe you just want others to confirm your thoughts. Wishing you peace and sanity…
He’s not interested in taking that step.
Don’t commit him to it. And if you aren’t on the same page of the relationship, it’s time for YOU to reconsider. Otherwise, it will be a very long, painful mentally and emotionally draining separation and you’ll be left wondering what “you did wrong” when in reality.. you did nothing. Save yourself the trouble and take action now like you’re doing by moving ahead and finding your own place. Doesn’t sound like he’s the one. People put effort in what they care about..
Don’t live with this person.
Enthusiast
Don't move in with an overgrown man child. This is the biggest, most obvious red flag he can give you. Thank him for it.
The answer to this entire genre of post is 'you should break up.'
I just got available!! May be we can move in together! I will do all dirty work 😂
Red Flag # ___ ?
If you are really interested in the guy, I would talk to any of his friends that are willing to tell you the truth. Or sit him down and have the good ol come to Jesus convo. I wonder if there is some underlying issues. Does he feel insecure about the situation (I.e. you making a higher salary and you being such an awesome mamma jamma)?
Also, if he’s not as particular about the apt then maybe he defers to you. Maybe he only cares about living in that city with you and all else is secondary?
Pro
He is making you do everything, to move to HIS dream city (not yours), you will be paying higher rent so you have to find a better job, he is doing nothing to support this. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. He is showing himself to you for who he is. You do not want to marry someone like this- they just get worse after marriage. Either break up or he can step up. You don’t want to find yourself married to someone who acts like this - and he will.