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Phrase the conversation as what would need to happen and change with our lifestyle to make a third child work.
If you and your wife can then think through the impacts, ups and downs of this scenario, the right answer should present itself.
This ^ , in the past I have said directly no to my wife without trying to talk all the things that needs to happen & everything we must be ready to do for us to be able to do something. This would upset her.
Then I started saying yes, this sounds great let’s talk through it and I would bring up questions, thoughts, the good/bad/ugly and one thing would lead to another, finally I would change my mind or she would after we have spoken through everything
You do you, but our third really didn't impact family life in any drastic negative way. It delayed our baby free life by two more years, but that's about it. For us it was still in a good place in the economies of scale curve.
We also just had our third. He’s definitely easier than the other two at this point in their short lives. As someone mentioned the biggest issues with having a third was needing to get bigger vehicles to fit 3 car seats and the eventual need to get a bigger house to accommodate everyone having their own room.
Definitely talk through your concerns with your wife and what it would need to change to make it easier to have a third child.
Is she chasing specific gender that you don’t have yet? Or does she just want 3 kids?
I see. If she is chasing a girl, then it can get dangerous because what if the next is a boy? She might have some buried disappointment when the baby comes or want to keep going for more. If it’s three kids then that’s a different conversation. My wife and I have one boy and just had a newborn girl, so we both agreed that we’d be done and I got a vasectomy. If we had a second boy, we’d probably say we’re done but probably wouldn’t have rushed to with the vasectomy to leave the door open and have some time think it over if we wanted to try for a girl.
We waited a few extra years to have our third and it is absolutely amazing. We have 2 older kids who are basically self sufficient and a little one who gets everyone’s attention.
We still take one or two trips a year with just the original 4 of us and take our main trips with everyone. Yes it has impacted our ability to move around and we needed a bigger house, car, etc. But it is absolutely amazing to be a family of 3. The dynamics are so fun and we all care for each other in our own ways.
Sounds like your first two are still little. Maybe you just wait for a year and see how things are.
I'd flat out tell her no, but I'm a blunt kind of guy. Having a baby is a huge commitment. If I didn't want another, I'd make it known.
This. 2 is enough and a compromise. I want a third myself but I’m ready to move on from the chaos that comes with 2 small kids.
I wanted one, wife wants 3. We compromised on 2. Adding a third if you don’t want it will just put unnecessary pressure on everything - finances, marriage, happiness, etc. It might work out but it also might make you resentful.
We have 3, 5, and 7. and honestly, it’s sometimes pure anarchy. Depending on your other two kids‘ age, it may be different, but having them spaced out that closely can be a nightmare
I’ve been navigating this issue for the last three years. Foremost, if she is in a place of emotion, it’s possible that *no* rational argument will have any effect. Honestly, too much to say to even begin writing, but I’d be willing to talk. DM me if you want to chat.
An additional thought - we had a bit of a breakthrough when I asked my wife what she would say to one of her girlfriends whose husband was threatening to leave and break up their family if the girlfriend didn’t give him another child which she strongly didn’t want to have for physical and mental health reasons. When my wife, who preaches gender equality and both partners having an equal voice, had to confront that perspective, her behavior changed even though it didn’t make her stop wanting one. (“Yeah, I would tell her that her husband was acting like a selfish asshole.”)
Just a tool for anyone else who might be at an impasse on this issue.
I think you should give it some time and really think about it before responding to her. You don't want to make a decision like that out of fear
Agreed, and you don't want to close the door forever as you may change your mind too. It's a delicate conversation to have
This is something that only you can solve. For example, I really wish I had a third when I was young enough, and will regret it forever. But that’s not good advice for you, so it’s something maybe best for you and your wife to solve
The longer you put it off, the worse it’ll be, especially if her vision is kids close together in age. We had a third (and a fourth) and yeah it was chaos for the early years but that’s all temporary. We sacrificed travel and other things in those years to pay for extra help with childcare and around the house, and once we got through (we had 4 under 4 at one point) it’s amazing to see them together now. It’s all personal decisions - no universal right or wrong - but you probably have to avoid saying you don’t want one more and phrase it more as an opportunity for her to share why she does (and for you to really listen and consider that) and you to talk about what concerns you and hopefully she’s open to considering your perspective as well.