1/2

Am I being selfish?

My girlfriend of 2 years (known her for 3) has visa issues. We had an amazing relationship, and I truly consider her the girl of my dreams.

I had always known that she missed her family back at home, and that every other month she would cry because she misses them a lot.

2 nights ago was one of those nights. She started tearing up when I said I’m thinking of taking a trip back to our home country to visit her family (and let them know I’m looking to propose).

Yes, I think you might be selfish a bit. Not sure if you know what it’s like to have visa issues in a foreign country and not be able to see your own family for years. It took me 13 years to get my green card and finally see my family. At times it was so soul-crushing that I contemplated same as your girlfriend - just paying someone to marry me so I can finally see my family. That didn’t mean that I viewed marriage casually - I was just desperately trying to solve a problem that was weighing on me for years. Put yourself in her shoes. She is away from her family, misses them terribly and here you are telling her how you are going to see her family while she is wishing that it could be her going to see them. If you are serious about her and you are sure you want to marry her then just take her to the town hall and do it so she can start her green card process and you can both go see her family together. If you want to marry her anyway why not speed it up to take that weight of her chest?

I was confused when you said you were taking a trip to see her family, because isn't the whole problem that she can't visit them? Then I realzied you mean you told her you were going to go visit her family... without her. Knowing how hard it's been for her to go so long without seeing them, not knowing when she'll see them again, yet you're planning to leave her behind and go see them alone? You didn't even tell her about the proposal so she thinks you're just casually going to visit her family while she's in so much pain being separated from them and has no idea when they'll be reunited.

I can see why she reacted the way she did. What reaction did you think you would get from telling her you're now going to see her family she's missed so much while she's left behind with the pain of years of separation...

How could you not see sooner that she misses her family that much? Marrying a stranger so she could see her finally see her family again says nothing about her views on marriage. It would not be a real marriage, it'd purely be a legal transaction. A piece of paper that'd allow her to get another piece of paper so she can finally leave the country to see her family. Marriage in the way I assume you mean it is *a lot* more than a piece of paper and legal transaction. She could have done that a while ago instead of being with you for years seeing your relationship through. It's unfair to discount her dedication to your relationship over that comment.

Why go in person to ask them? Under other circumstances in-person can be a nice gesture. In this case it's a lot more meaningful to reunite your wife with her family after years apart, than for you to leave her behind and see them alone for a mere formality. You know you want to marry her, so talk to her family on the phone or on video chat and propose. You don't need drag it out longer than necessary. Have a courthouse wedding and go see her family together, you could even have a wedding ceremony with her family and friends from home.

Neither of you communicated well with each other. Its a normal part of life and is okay.

Talk to her about your feelings and hers bluntly. Find out how can you each support each other to continue strengthening your relationship.

-------------------------------------------------
LONG VERSION:
Suggest that you ask her to sit down to chat. When you talk about YOUR feelings, focus on using "I" and "me". When talking about HER feelings, focus on questions and understanding why she said that. (ie was she hinting she wanted to get married or was she expressing frustration or did she want you to feel sad eith het so she felt less alone, etc). Remember even if you dont think the way someone feels makes sense, you cant convince them to change their feelings!!!! All you can do is understand so that next time you can each try a different communicative approach.

"I want to talk about something- its nothing serious/bad but its been bothering me. Ive been quiet lately because that night you said "xyz" it really hurt me. I really love you and even though I dont think you meant that comment, it hurt me to hear you say you wish you could marry anyone for the green card. I know you really miss home and that its hard. Im also very appreciative that youre here with me. So...
1. How can I help make it easier for you when you feel like? (eg Do you need more cuddling? Would help if we started set/scheduled video calls with your family more frequently and together? Would you like to start shopping at an XYZ country/cuisine grocery store to have some more pieces of home in our home?)
2. Next time youre really upset and missing home, can you try to avoid those types of comments where youd marry anyone to make the problem go away, whether you mean it or not?
3. On these notes, *start discussion about marriage* What are your feelings of getting married? Do you want to get married? Is it something that youve felt ready for in the next couple years or is it something that youre not ready for or want but just see it as a solution? Do you see yourself ever marrying me? etc

At the end recap. "So moving forward I will try to improve/start/do XYZ and bring these types of feelings up sooner so you dont feel more isolated. And youll try to avoid comments about marrying others when youre sad. I love you a lot and am glad I have you by my side"

Blah blah blah *cue cute music and cuddles and kisses* etc

I have seen this kind of response from lots of people who are from well off families back home. I will never understand or sympathize with their desperation to continue living in the US. Unless they are supporting their poor family back home or from a unstable country , please don't extend sympathies to such wannabes, such a disgrace to the educated class of legal immigrants

No updates, OP?

Tell her to dm me tho

Wait. You have seen the girl of your dreams suffering for 3 years and has never offered to help? Now that she is so desperate and heartbroken that she is willing to go to extremes just to solve a situation for love of her family you think she is not worthy??? She should ditch you!!

For someone who is close with their family, being away from them for any significant length of time is difficult. The longer it is, the more you start to think about how many times you may see them again *ever*, and that can be extremely overwhelming.

I was in a relationship that I eventually discovered was more controlling than I realized. I moved away from family to be with this person I loved and saw a future with. I was getting to see my family once a year, and as time passed, my SO began to get "prickly" about me wanting to go see them. He never cared to accept my invitation to go with me, and would only make comments that were very small ways of chiseling down the meaning of my family to me. I began to develop anxiety around broaching the subject of wanting to go see them (which felt a lot like asking permission), knowing it would become a fight wherein he made me feel like I am a cold and heartless monster, which was extreme for just wanting to visit my family.

I realized I was going to be forced to choose because I could not have the life and love I wanted and still get to see my family more than a few more times before I lost them entirely. He couldn't grasp why I cared so much about them and told me outright that I can't have it both ways. So I chose them.

She is choosing her family because you're not choosing her. Her family IS her. They are one and the same. Don't make her feel like she's wrong or somehow less for wanting to be able to see them more. The most inspiring and devoted thing my SO could have done was to say "Hey, let's go see your folks!"

What have you done to try and reassure her and ease her pain? Have you asked her to share stories about family? Have you offered to partake in any of her family's traditions while she is so far away from them? Have you considered setting up a regular "family night" where you can have a Zoom dinner together or some kind of activity? Have you offered to take her to see them, or to go with her? Do you truly understand her feelings around her family and HER needs?

As others have said, talk to her. Be open about it. Proposals don't have to be a big surprise to be meaningful. I suspect she will find much more meaning and value in being included in it all and to know she doesn't have to choose between them and you.

OP I’m European and many of us don’t take the act of marriage as something as obsessively sacred as in the US.

I believe we lack context and nuance. But here’s my take.

She was sad and anxious, so she wasn’t necessarily thinking straight. She probably doesn’t want to burden you. She has maybe a surrealistic sense of humor (I do too). She maybe wanted to provoke you to get a reaction.

In my country, many of us see marriage as an “administrative obligation.” For us the symbol of love and loyalty is having a child. Many of us get married actually after the 1st or 2nd child, when parents realize “ok this is real, and what if something happens to us? Let’s get our papers in order.” Many of my friends are unmarried to this day and have 2 kids and a smooth sailing relationship.

I also got married “for visa reasons.”
My husband and I have been together for 14 years. We have a child. We are our dream life partners. 5 years in, I got a job opportunity in the US and we got married for visa reasons so he could come live with me. We wanted to get married eventually down the line (after kids 😂) but this accelerated the process.

I even had to explain to all my friends back home that I got married for visa reasons because they were shocked we got married so early. In their minds it was so traditional and old fashioned of us, and weird. So I led with the visa story.

Anyway just saying that some cultures view marriage differently and can make weird provocative jokes/statements when they’re anxious and homesick. I’m sure she regrets it.

Marriage is about being empathetic with your partner at their lowest state. (As long as it’s not toxic and repetitive)

Talk to her!

She could have proposed. Why is it always the guy who has to do it. Have you guys seen that episode from friends?

LEAVE HER ASAP let someone give her paper if it’s that serious

When people date, they look out for certain qualities etc. For someone with visa issues, in addition to those qualities, they need someone ready to settle down because non-immigrants with visa issues are on a time crunch. If you know you’d be willing to marry your non-immigrant partner 3 years from today, why can’t you do it now if you know they may not be here 3 years from today? However, if you need 3 years for you and not because society has rules on how long you should date someone before you marry them, that’s fine. But if you are choosing to wait because of what people would say knowing that you could lose this person forever, why wait. I am a non-immigrant and got married to my spouse after 6 months. Rightly so, he had his concerns and hesitations but today, he is the better for it. My employer was willing to file papers for me. I had admission to schools with partial scholarship which would have given me time, and frankly I had an amazing job back in my country, so I was fine going back home. So my spouse didn’t need to file for me but I probably would have broken up with him if his hesitance was solely due to societal reasons and gossip. I don’t need to date someone for 5 years to know if we can work. It’s not a matter of how long you are together but how much time you spend together and for those 6 months before we got married, we were almost inseparable.

I guarantee she said that to you bc she wants YOU to propose to her and is wondering why you're taking so long

Where are y’all from

Sounds like a manipulation attempt to me. She's too afraid to speak about the possibility of marriage openly so saying something like that while crying is an attempt to use reverse psychology. It sucks soooo much to depend on the visa, trust me, sometimes I wish I had married for a visa too. But, in a genuine relationship, assuming it is so wonderful for BOTH, there has to be an open communication about it, especially if she is so emotional about it. One more thing, doesn't it bug you that she misses her family SO much that she cries about it often? That's not ok IMO. I would be concerned if someone close to me cried so much. Maybe she needs to see a therapist to take care of herself first.

Show empathy, it can go a long way. You do not know this young lady’s story why she is in that desperate state. I am happy you are a legal immigrant, but not everyone have that same luxury as you. What if she was on a student visa such as J1 or a student visa for a 4 yr college, and was in a legal standing before and being in a relationship she thought she could transition easily. Don’t be judgmental, you don’t know the whole story. You don’t know what idea her bf was feeding her about being together for the long haul. It easier to judge some else situation when you aren’t it. I hate when legal immigrants frown upon or think they are better than undocumented immigrants. (FYI I’m documented, just in case that may come into question). Be kind. Have a great day

Everyone telling him to throw away good leverage for a prenupt

Marriage is absolutely meaningless. It's basically a contract, so what's the problem after all? If marriage is something with religious symbolism for you, note that she is not doing for the symbolism, but for a practical reason.
Did she got everything arranged and never tell you? Or she just share with you, in a very stressing situation, her intentions?

She is pretending to be in love with you. She only cares about her green card. 👋

I bet she rather marry you but you haven’t proposed. So what are you waiting for? She’s obviously in pain and it seems she’s been patient enough.

I would not assume she takes marriage casually. Now if you’d really love her you would not let her marry a stranger. But it seems like you are willing to lose her just because of her comment.

If you don’t live her enough let her go. Maybe she’ll marry a stranger and then find her true love.

I think she was really sad and said something she didn’t really mean because she just wants a miracle to make things easier and you hadn’t expressed to her, during any of those times she spent crying every 48 hours, that you would event want to marry her, or help her make the whole process easier.

Wow