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Googling will give you plenty of stats. FB will probably not yield you anything concrete. What I can talk about are anecdotes and perceptions.
Have a married friend. Both of them 39, childless. The wife is less open to kids. My friend really wants. Wife is skeptical how their current lifestyle - dink, free spending, traveling all over - will work with child in equation. Has convinced my friend that 40 will be no problem as wife's older sister has had child at 40. My friend doesn't talk much about it but the few times he has, sounded sad.
Personally I think getting to a non-negotiable baseline on kids, whatever that baseline might be, is one of the most important decisions before marriage. Thinking that the other might change or reconsider is a recipe for disaster.
My very best wishes to you.
Totally agree. My wife and I were very aligned but we still decided to do the pre Cana (she's catholic, I'm not) which is a nice, open way to surface questions about kids, money, family and so on before you get married and develop a shared philosophy about those things even if you don't totally agree on everything. There are non-denominational versions of the same thing that are worth doing if you aren't Catholic.
At that age the pregnancy is considered “high risk” in the medical community but that shouldn’t scare you off. Essentially it means that your wife will undergo much more intensive monitoring during pregnancy. Basically additional testing and more frequent and way more detailed ultrasounds. In all the risks aren’t significantly higher when you get into your early 40s. You can google the data on this.
On a broader note I would say that this is a very distinct and serious life dimension not to be aligned on. The decision to have or not have children is one of the largest decision a couple can make. If you can’t reach agreement on this foundational principle I fear that it will lead to a deep featuring fissure regardless of your decision. Genuinely not trying to be a negative Nancy but I think it is a serious consideration.
My story is highly applicable: I’m 36, wife is 41, we have a 2 year old. We had one miscarriage prior to our child (that kind of stat is way under reported). Agree with other responses you want to have alignment on what your shared vision of life is together, because after kids are in the picture thing get WAY more complicated. My suggestion would be, if you are sure both of you want to do this, then you are better off moving quickly on it. I have no regrets with my decisions, but it is truly hard to imagine what life after the fact will be before you actually go through it. Best of luck!
You need to be aligned on this. YOLO and FOMO. Resentment is no marriage foundation.
Too important to leave to chance. She needs to be aligned with you to put every effort forth to conceive. And even if she is, she may have waited too long so it’s likely lots of interventions will be required and she needs to be aligned on that.
Do not get married if the two of you don’t agree on the decision. 38 might be older to start having kids, but it is certainly doable.
Just want to share another lens. You still do what's right for you.
- kids are a lot of work - physically and mentally. Will you both be able to put up with that? I am around your age and find myself often tired and can't keep up w kids
- by the time the kid is ready to go to college, you ll be around 60. For future milestones, you ll be even older. Can't participate or won't even be around- Without a sibling, wont the kid be without any family?
-Kids do pose a lot of restriction on your freedom.
I didn’t think he went that far, just provided more context. I’m 36 with 5 kids. Getting up for my 1 yo now is significantly harder than it was with our first 10 years ago.
Am I making a bad decision proceeding with this marriage altogether? Can anyone shed some odds/stats on a woman conceiving at 39 years of age?
Definitely get aligned before marriage. Few decisions will fundamentally change your life the way kids will.
You could always swap her birth control pills and call it a miracle.
(JOKING)
My wife had our first at 39 and she will have our second at 42 later this year. She also works in medicine at a high risk ob office. There are always risks, but I wouldn't question a relationship based on that. We have had miscarriages and as it was mentioned earlier those are definitely not widely discussed as they are much more common than you would think.