Does your partner share responsibilities equally with you when it comes to playing with/takings care of kids and household work?

Some days yes, some days no, but it goes for the both of us. I keep our home organized, finances organized, manage a good portion of the worries, but he is a very active participant with our daughter and does the cooking (used to be a chef and it’s something he demands to do for his mental health), laundry, outside yard work mostly. I am the one with a full time gig, he isn’t, so we divide and conquer. We communicate a lot and take care of the things that matter more to each of us individually than get in a fight over why he still left the sink dirty after finishing dishes. We went to marriage counseling earlier in our marriage (been together 12 years, married for 10) and overall, it’s communication. But it’s a lot to get there. No attacks, no blaming, etc.

You can get the anecdotes here but plenty of data shows the answer is no, no they don’t do their share. :)

I do a bit more “kid duty” and household management, while my husband does a lot more dishes, cooking, finances, yard maintenance and dog care.

Highly recommend the books Fair Play and How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids (the title is terrible, I know). Both have such great strategies for getting on the same page with parenting/household responsibilities and finding a balance that works.

Nope. I do more of the childcare. He does all the driving though.

I have 2 kids and while my husband does a lot. I still “manage” our lives which is ten times the mental load. I have a disability so physically he does more with the kids especially my younger very active boy. But a dirty house doesn’t bother him, a pile of laundry doesn’t call to him etc

I definitely feel like I do way more… especially when you think about the load of ordering groceries, paying bills and sorting the mail, meals, researching and organizing child care/daycare - the list goes on. But my husband is helping more and more. The thing I’ve realized is that he doesn’t see the things that need doing. So rather than get resentful, I just need to ask for help and he’ll happily help. And then I work on not becoming resentful that I need to ask 🤪 it’s been a work in progress but we’re 14yrs married with a 4 and 1 year old and for us/me, it comes down to communicating.

Definitely not and this is an ongoing point of contention. He thinks he does way more than the average dad. But in reality what he does is a fraction of what I do. And I work more than he does. I have come to accept this and work hard to make this not be the case for my daughter and son when they grow up. But they see the modeled behavior…

Mine truly does! We are in the Midwest with super strong family values & work ethic though, that may play a part in it (both of our dads were hands -on working dads & family guys). I am vocal about when & where I need support and we divide and conquer a lot. Each get our own “me time” weekly. When the toddler is clingy to me, husband picks up on house/dog/lunch prep work. I love cooking and he does all of the dishes. Laundry is his only weakness 🙃 but I never change the diaper pail or take the trash out, so it works for us.

I second the How not to hate your husband after kids book. Just seeing me read the book raised a red flag with my husband. My husband is decent, but his idea of 50/50 is inaccurate because he’s comparing himself to his dad and his friends who all had stay at home wives. e.g. pre-Covid I picked up our kid from daycare Tue-Fri, but at every group outing he loves to talk about how he picks up our kid EVERY Monday, and they go on a bike ride, blah blah. In the end I seized on the fact that he’s an engineer and literally wrote out every task (physical and mental load), assigned values (time, effort) to each, and had us take turns picking out what we would like to own. It was not organic nor romantic, but it got the job done. Our split is like 60/40, not perfectly even but close, and I’m satisfied with it.

I used to do a lot more because my husband grew up being used to his mom doing his chores for him- I grew up with less money and more responsibility as a child. So yes early in our marriage I fought a lot to get him to realize what 50/50 means. But I also learned that we are better suited to different tasks bc of our strengths.

If your husband gets resentful, you’ve got to find the right way to sway him to feel responsibility and empathy instead.

Honestly I think the key for me has been training him from the start. As soon as we got married and moved in together I started a lot of fights and a lot of co-planning to get him to realize this relationship won’t work unless it’s 50/50. I don’t know how to peacefully sway people- but I also won’t accept being the one who does everything. My husband changed and learned because he loves me and knows it’s the right thing to do.

I probably oversimplified things but honestly I would say don’t take no for answer, focus on training him (just like a puppy or a child), and remind yourselves you’re doing it for the sake of your relationship and because you love each other.

I am a working mom with a 3 year old and 3month old - my life had been changed drastically while there’s little difference and impact on my husband. We have help from grandparents but it disappoints me that he remains living like a childless person and resents me for pushing him to take more responsibility. I’m returning to work soon and very afraid things will get worse. Any advice on how to get your partner to be a supportive team player?

Other than the mental load of being the manager my husband does a lot. A lot of the time I just need to ask but aside from that he spends a lot of time with our child, takes care of laundry (I’ve done maybe 3 loads in the past 5 years) and anything I ask him to do he’ll happily handle. I don’t think I could survive happily if he didn’t, especially after this past 18 months. You should not just accept this as normal, definitely have a talk about it.

Honestly my husband probably does more of the housework. I deal with running our lives - doctors appointments, etc. We are fairly evenly split on childcare, except that I am home during the day when the children are virtual schooled and he is not.

I only agreed to move in with my now-husband on the condition that we’d have a cleaning service. That helped a lot for a long time. Eleven years and two kids later (ages 7 and 4), we’ve upped the frequency of the cleaning service and also hired a housekeeper who folds our laundry and attacks the pile of dishes twice a week.
Who does the work no one wants to do? What are we modeling for our kids? They see us working our tails off through the computers that connect us to our jobs, but they don’t see us doing much maintenance/upkeep in the physical world. I feel like the money spent on delegation has been generally smart for preserving my sanity. I’m pretty sure we need therapy though.

We have a 4 and 11 month old. My husband is a lot more hands in than most. If I’m cooking dinner, he’s playing with kids or vice versa. We take turns with night feedings or any other night time kid needs. He handles all mornings so I can sleep in. BUT I carry the mental load of managing things. I handle all doctor appointments (both scheduling and taking them to), school activities, bills, etc. So not 50/50 split overall but day to day physical things it’s pretty even.