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Rising Star
Is it a red flag if they’re an associate?
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My gf/sugar mama makes more than me, I love it
As long as there are no complaints about the money you don't make, you should be good
I make 200k my husband makes around 50k. My job is demanding, therefore he does most of our extra chores etc. We are both v satisfied in our careers and I genuinely see my income as our income bc my job would not be possible without all his support. We're a team so all our money is just our money. Works great for us
The transition to me being the primary breadwinner was not smooth though. He had always been the provider, but now the majority income was coming from my job instead. The main issues were comments from other people and his internalized patriarchy/societal expectations causing a belief that he must be the provider, which we worked through together with some arguments/fights (which got us to the root of this issue) and also some really big heart to heart convos. My job can also be very stressful, so at times when I was stressed he would mistake that as me wanting to quit my job, which would send him into a bit of a self-induced panic. Over time we identified these fears/pressures and are now stronger than ever. It just takes time and patience with one another, but so far it's been a net positive for sure.
Very curious to hear this. Following
How much is significantly more?
@AI tech, there's truth to what you're saying. I think this will be fine though
Pro
I’m not clear what you are getting at. My wife use to make 2x to 3x of my salary, but now we are on par and I might make more than her next year. Tbh, it motivated me to work harder. I can’t think of anytime it felt awkward to me; most of her sal would go into kids education/ fund. We always discussed together on major purchases, question each other on useless purchases.
What is happening at your end?
OP, as someone who’s thought a lot about this and done some internal work on this topic I have some thoughts to share. I had some unhealthy thought patterns around this topic that I’ve since resolved. Male for full disclosure.
#1: The very first thing I learnt: a good relationship is a good team. If you succeed so does she, and if she succeeds so do you. If she views it any other way, then it’s unhealthy.
#2: it is highly inappropriate for her to compare you to her female friends’ husbands/partners. They might have a relationship dynamic that is totally different than yours. If you’re actively supporting the family (even if it not in the traditional male “provider” role), then that’s all that matters. Maybe you pick up some more of the housework or take care of the kids or what not. Simply because you don’t bring in $$ as much as her doesn’t mean your contribution isn’t valuable.
#3: rather than belittle you for earning less than her, she should be applauding you for being secure and confident enough to be with a woman who’s earning more than himself. Even in egalitarian countries like Sweden, a woman’s probability of divorce doubles the moment she gets promoted; one reason might be that her husband becomes insecure about himself in relation to her success. If you’re confidently holding yourself together despite her earning significantly more, you already deserve a gold star.
#4: if there are subtle hints/indications from her that she can do “better”, it might be worth a reality check. A lot of career women/successful women vastly overestimate how much their success/material wealth makes them attractive to potential suitors - especially the career/successful men. In fact, it’s quite the opposite: most successful men are often NOT looking for a similarly driven/spent-out corporate warrior to come home to. Are there exceptions? Sure. And despite what people say, there are tons of women out there competing to get these corporate/successful guys’ attention, which means they’re equally hard to pin down. I hope some of this would give some grounding to your wife in case she tries to compare/belittle you in the future. Lastly, you seem to be an absolute gem of a person that most women would fight over to get into a relationship with: supportive, secure, and kind. What more could a woman ask for! 🙂
I make X and my wife (surgeon) makes 2.5-3X and works half the shifts. Neither of us cares and have been together 13 years with 2 kids, 2 dogs and counting. Oh and she saves lives, I make PPTs.
Rising Star
Not me but my ex’s parents were in the extreme of that and it seemed to cause a lot of problems in their marriage. It was really awkward when they would scream at each other about it around me and say they should’ve gotten divorced years ago. The mom is a big law partner (guessing she makes a couple million a year) and the dad was laid off in 2008 from an insurance job, never got another job, and became a stay at home parent.