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Yes please keep us posted. I haven’t experienced this but a dear friend is in the midst of it and another has gone through it. The latter friend gave me resources to pass along. Here are a few (in her own words):
https://www.mosaicmethod.com/
The Mosaic risk assessment is a tool that she can take to determine the likelihood that the situation will escalate. I've taken it on two separate occasions and it was helpful to 1) validate that my situation was unsafe and my concerns were valid and 2) help me make an informed decision.
Document everything. Save all written messages that convey abuse, threats or mental instability. Document who takes care of the children when and how. For example, who cooks for them, tends them, takes them to doctor's appointments, handles schooling, etc. Do not send anything to him that you would not want read in court to a judge who decides custody of children. Listen to the voice in your head that tells you how safe or unsafe you are and plan accordingly. Look up some safety planning things (if pertinent) and figure out some basic plans. Do not talk to him about your concerns. Statistically the risk to a woman/children increases when breaking up with an abuser or leaving him.
Lundy Bancroft has a book called Why Does He Do That? that is a classic resource for understanding and naming abuse. Frequently it can be hard to name abuse that isn't physical. It's easy to explain away, minimize, or blame yourself for somehow causing it. But this book explains what is happening and why and can provide clarity.
https://www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf
Bill Eddy is another author who writes about leaving difficult people (like people with narcissistic or borderline personality traits/disorders) and has a book called Splitting that was very practical and helpful for me.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0056JX46W/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Also - I don’t know what state you are in but thought this was important info as well:
https://opdv.ny.gov/help/dvhotlines.html
This is the NY domestic violence hotline. They can tell her which shelter to call for her county. I don't know what it's like in NY, especially during COVID, but in Jersey you can talk to someone anytime, and they can provide crisis counseling. Ongoing counseling, like how to get out of an abusive situation, should be free, and may help her get some clarity. They are also great for providing resources like how to apply for aid and what aid she might qualify for.
Thank you so much. This is all very helpful
Please get professional advice - from a therapist, doc or your lawyer - to make sure you’re safe. they’re likely experienced in helping women in similar situations put together and execute a plan.
The fact that he knows and tells you to keep your phone away Jst made me even more nervous. Maybe try recording on your laptop and save in a hidden folder or on an external drive that you keep at work or somewhere hidden. Good luck!!!
Oh man, message me. Mine was BPD please DM. I would love to give a perspective. Please don’t do anything without thinking through first. They are so reactive. Anyway contact me.
I will. Thank you
We weren’t married but we had a child together and I made him leave right after she was born.
Even though it’s been almost 5 years there are days that I still feel insane and he makes me start shaking in rage bc of his crazy making bc I’m stuck with him for life bc of our daughter. But he’s not my problem anymore and he’s in another state.
All that to say - you need a team to help you. As you know borderlines are erratic... you should be documenting things (I have a massive file) starting before you tell him you want a divorce until after you are divorced- trust me, document everything. You need people that care for him aware and able to help extract him and watch him.
He’ll try to manipulate you in someway...don’t feel sorry for him or give him money or agree to anything.
Get yourself a therapist that specializes in borderlines. Many People don’t understand it bc it’s so insidious so find someone that does.
Be strong- avoid talking too much bc it leads to fighting/manipulation and makes it all worse.
I’m adhd which doesn’t help me organize myself to get evidences without losing them. And the meds give me insomnia, I tried and it was worse. But I’ll have to find a way to organize evidences but also I’m afraid to even try to get them. I’m 100% sure he is saving all my messages against me already. But I’m so chaotic I wasn’t able to save anything because I’m always so stressed out and overwhelmed. I think I’ll make this plan to happen in a year. And yes, avoiding to talk to him helps, I noticed. I try to get him busy by running errands or putting child to sleep or telling him to go for a run to take care of himself, just so we are not interacting much
My husband is bipolar 1and pretty confident he had undiagnosed BPD. I love him dearly but there are episodes that scare the shit out of me - especially when he threatened self harm or leaves the apartment during a really bad fight. If you’re open to it, I would love to start an informal support network here.
Yes please. You have just described it exactly like he is and exactly like I feel.
He is adhd / bipolar, with undiagnosed BPD for sure, And I’m also sure he has PTSD too. An informal support network would be great. Thank you
Are there any nonprofit organizations in your area that can give you some support? Being isolated with a partner who doesn’t make you feel safe and is escalating efforts to control you is extremely concerning. Can you arrange a code with any friends so that you can call for help in a non obvious way if you ever really need it? My heart goes out to you - be safe.
Yes there are non profit organizations that can help me. Just discovered a few. And I’ll do that with friends, the emergency code with them. This sounds like a good idea. He is in a calmer cycle again. But I’ll organize myself so I know what to do when he gets back to the manic cycle again (or whatever it’s called). Thank you
Is there children involved? Please have an exist plan because if he has outbursts of anger, you never want to ignore that . Have a safe place to stay before moving forward with the discussion of separation
Thank you so much
Adding to my note before bc I just saw your reply about threatening to kill himself twice... mine said the same. Happy to tell you more but you must document everything especially bc there are kid(s).
DM me - and this is hard but you will make it through. Take care of yourself too.
I’ve also experienced this and that it would be my fault