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Waiting for mom to get home!
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Rising Star
Hey OP, seems like your father is dealing poorly with your mom’s death and potentially other issues. That however is no excuse not to seek help and get better and it absolutely does not excuse his behavior towards you.
I strongly urge You to get into therapy so you can get the care you deserve for years of emotional trauma from your father. Calling you “snake” etc is emotionally abusive and ABSOLUTELY NOT OK
Thank you so much, and yes I agree - I’ve been in therapy for six years now and it’s helped for sure but his wound is growing bigger the more boundaries I set with him
Rising Star
You haven’t been disowned. You’re being emotionally abused. This is no way for him to treat a human, let alone his own daughter.
Have you considered disowning him?
OP - I hope you find it in your heart to understand your fathers behavior is absolutely not about you. The man is struggling and falling apart. He’s hurt and angry and lashing out - but not necessarily at you even if it may seem that way.
He sounds like a lonely old man and I’d imagine your mom was the key driver in terms of keeping the family clock ticking? He’s struggling to move past her and seems to be angry you aren’t stepping into that role and taking care of his life. There are families that expect their children to be on point to take care of their elders in-person.
From what you’ve said I hope you recognize you’ve been a devoted child and many people wouldn’t have held on for so long.
Either ways, this is not a problem for you to solve on your own. Any chance you can find him a therapist or somebody to talk to?
Pro
Honestly- cut him off and reestablish ties with your other family. This is abusive behavior. You have zero obligation to ensure his abuse. “Dad, I love you and will be here when you are ready to have a constructive and loving relationship. I hope you can find some peace and healing.”
Set that boundary, get into therapy, and rally your friends to support you.
My grandmother was like this to my mom and the only way she could survive and thrive was to go no contact. We always hoped she would get help and come around but she never did. She drove away everyone in her life- including friends she had for 60 years. It’s sad, but there is nothing you can do to change someone on this trajectory. They have to change themselves. You don’t have to be present and take the abuse while they crash.
I had to cut my dad off sadly 4 years ago. He was emotionally abusive. Told me it was ok to have children with women and not marry them. Black women are strong enough to raise kids by themselves they don't need a man. I think in his eyes he was empowering me to have kids without a husband, but i think he was also affirming his reckless behavior for having 13 kids by multiple women and not providing for any of them. My mom was the only one he was married to for 20 years and treated her like hell. It was the best decision I made for my mental health honestly. He was a deadbeat and I don't regret it. He also sexually abused my older sister his biological daughter for years after he came from jail. Before I cut him off I apologized to him on behalf of his deceased mother for abusing him when he was younger. Generational curses are real...protect yourself while you can
Pro
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would not move in until it’s clear that it would be beneficial to both of you. You call him daily but he says you’re neglectful and abusive. You financially support him but he says you’re a snake and doesn’t support your career. His efforts to cut ties with family and you do not sound like you moving in would be well received or a healthy environment for you.
Perhaps it’s his way of coping with your mothers passing, but his actions of pushing people away and lack of kindness will isolate him. Can’t tell how long ago her passing was but perhaps a non-family companion would help him better initially, like a dog or neighbor checking in. Wishing you all the best in getting through this.
Rising Star
I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this difficult situation, and that you lost your mom young. Your dad is clearly not dealing well with the loss of your mom, but it’s not right for him to take that anger, sadness and regret out on you.
Does he have enough income to get by if you stop sending him money? Is there someone who lives nearby who can check in on him once in a while, or can he hire a paid caregiver to do this?
I agree with others that you may need to stop calling him and sending him money. Even though he is one of your parents that raised you, you don’t “owe” him having to deal with his abuse because he has no other social outlets. Accusing someone of elder abuse is a serious charge and not at all what is happening here, based on what you have shared.
If this kind of extreme hostile behavior is newer for him, look into whether this could be dementia. Extreme mood change is a sign that’s sometimes overlooked, because people usually focus on the forgetfulness/confusion part.
Pro
I agree with some posters above on how this could actually be dementia. Certain illnesses like dementia or Alzheimer’s make people lose all empathy for anyone else. Sorry you’re going through this but sounds like your dad needs urgent help. You need to get him diagnosed first of all and then look into how you can get help as family / caregiver.
I used to send him a good sum (4k USD when it was about half my salary) home to make sure he is comfortable and to help out with any expenses. He lives alone and has a few minor health issues (like achy joints - age appropriate) but is overall very healthy and walks and bikes a lot everyday to stay busy. I call everyday to keep him busy because he doesn’t have contact with anyone else. He says I’m a neglectful child and what I’m doing is elder abuse. I’m at a loss for what to do. I really don’t want to move back home because the yelling and screaming is non stop and I have thought of committing when I’ve been back for long periods of time. Any advice?
Is he showing signs of dementia? My grandmother became very mean and delusional when dementia started..