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Enthusiast
No unfortunately this is a real addiction, as you said. He canât stop unless he truly wants to and seeks help from a professional and even then itâs going to be very difficult.
I would suggest moving on if you want a monogamous relationship.
Also, youâve been dating 1.5 years? Or are you in a defined relationship?
Enthusiast
Youâre welcome OP. Many of us have commitment issues (myself included!). I think itâs a byproduct of the coming out experience/struggle for acceptance.
Once you recognize them and address them, it makes the journey to find love better/easier. Good luck!
Community Builder
Well is this the definition of cheatingâŠ.he didnât tell you from the beginning
Community Builder
I think the bigger problem is the lack of basic trust. If he told you about it, thatâs a different story.
Then you both can work it out. But now itâs like what else I donât know.
When you enter a relationship with someone(s), you enter it fully accepting everything about them. The definition of disaster is entering it âin hopes they will change because $some_reason_that_seems_reasonable_to_youâ They wonât, I promise. You only think they will because hope knows no bounds.
Now, you may recognize they have the CAPACITY to change some behavior or trait, but thatâs a different animal and not something you alone can assess, likely. Either way capacity is only potential, not reality of it happening.
Long story short: take them as they are, or walk away.
The short answer is no. If you want monogamy, find someone else.
This is a very strange situation, with love, but ... it's odd that you would be hanging out with someone for a year and a half and just now suddenly realized he's sleeping around on grindr. Who says it's "addiction" - you or him? Does he just enjoy a lot of sex? Did he describe it as an addiction to make you feel better when your disappoinment became obvious?
Also you are saying that the 2 of you didn't have sex. But...he's having sex with everyone else. So, he is clearly not a person who believes in talking it slow. Are you just in the friend zone and you don't know it?
This situation is very đ€Ż but...bottom line....this person is clearly not a match for you. You guys are not on the same page and probably never were... and you would be wise to cut ties and move on.
My other piece of advice for you would be to examine how you remained in the dark for so long. Are you repressed in some way that keeps you from being entirely straightforward with others, and keeps others from being honest with you, and keeps you from asking forward, blunt questions of your dates? You may need some confidence and to shake off your inhibitions.
Just to add to the advice above. Thereâs a difference between being open (which many of us make work) and being addicted. 24x7 hookups is not healthy in the long run (we can debate the short run) and if your guy thinks itâs ok, then that would worry me.
That's like asking an addict to stop using drugs when you start dating them. It's not going to happen.
Monogamy is a heteronormative concept. However, I recommend that you have an open and Frank discussion about your expectations with your partner(s).
Thank you M2. If you don't mind, could I ask where you're from, or where you're living. I thought the situation must be different between Europe, US and Asia. (Actually I'm Asian living in Asia and the date is from Europe)
Community Builder
Once or twice a week for 1.5 year is a lot..!!!!
Yes I know it... I was (and we were) trying to build trust and validate our match by doing various things together, like workout, travel, reading, watching TV, going to see properties, not dependent on sexual intercourses.
No. Thatâs not ok, and youâre going to get hurt. Save yourself.
Move on
People only get to be who they are. You can establish boundaries around this, but donât be surprised when he crosses them again. Find someone who seeks what you seek out of your relationships.
If your not comfortable with this it needs to stop or it needs to end. Your partner needs to respect your boundaries which includes being out of bounds. I'm more open/poly at this point but if I love (or my intention is long term with) someone I first have to respect their intention especially in a relationship. Thing about being poly is you have to include and respect your partners decisions.
Ewww. Please move on. Next! Iâm sorry this is happening.
I got actually depressed after this happened, but now getting over it. Thank you!
Iâm confused is he your boyfriend or just someone youâve off and on dated for the past 1.5 years?
Well, we went out with each other once or twice a week for 1.5 years, such as dinner, movie and travels, as romantically as in relationships, but we haven't officially committed to relationships yet. Recently he said to me we're ready to enter the serious relationship and I was saying yes, but I found out this.
Quien le dice?