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Having a kid was the best thing ever happening to me beats traveling and fun weekends
You don’t travel with your kids?
My husband and I don’t have children by choice and couldn’t be happier. We get to sleep in on weekends, fill our days with activities that interest us, and take amazing trips. We are also going to retire at 52.
I completely understand that there is a love and joy kids bring that I’ll never experience. And I’m okay with that. Most parents I know are exhausted. A couple of them have even confided in me that they are envious of my life choices.
If you don’t have children, my advise is to find purpose elsewhere - hobbies, volunteering, etc. Your friends will begin to have kids and for a while, that will become their purpose…at least for many of them. I am very involved with volunteering at a dog shelter and live in a place where I can mountain bike and ski. I feel very fulfilled and have zero regrets I didn’t have kids.
Enthusiast
TL1 - I've met more women who openly proclaim they don't want kids than men.
That said, according to PEW both genders are equally likely to say they don't want kids: https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2021/11/19/growing-share-of-childless-adults-in-u-s-dont-expect-to-ever-have-children/
Sounds like you want a dog
Enthusiast
My lifestyle with a dog is definitely much more laidback than any friend I have with kids and it’s not even close. If a kid wakes you up at 5am on a Sunday you likely will not be going back to sleep. With a dog, you have a 15 min interruption and back to sleep. Dogs only need to be fed twice a day and taken on a walk 3x. My life has changed very little compared to my pre-dog life. She sits quietly on my lap for the 8+ hrs when Im wfh. Would any kid sit quietly for that long? It’s also a lot easier to get family to take care of a dog for a couple weeks while you travel vs a child bc it’s a lot less work. I don’t understand the argument that they can’t do stuff on their own their entire lifetime. Dogs lifespans are like 15 years and other than when they need to eat or go to the bathroom are very chill. I’d love to have a baby sometime soon and yeah that will be a huge lifestyle change, a dog is not.
Pro
I always knew I wanted children, and that desire to have kids never wavered for me. I am a very caretaking personality, and I’ve always loved being around kids. That answers your question as to why I had them.
A few points I would make for your consideration:
- I totally agree with everyone who says that the love you have for your kids is the most special love you will ever experience. There’s an intensity to it that can’t be explained, and for me, they (I have three) have been an *immense* source of joy.
- When you have kids, your interests naturally somewhat change, and I didn’t have a problem with that. For example, my husband and I always genuinely enjoyed going to our kids’ sporting events because the communities we built through other parents were ones we enjoyed. It doesn’t mean our other interests went away or that we stopped enjoying them, but it was more of an expansion.
- It is up to you to decide how much your life changes. Yes, of course, it’s going to change because you have another person living in your house whose needs - at least for the first year or two – inherently must shape a lot of your decisions. However, I don’t subscribe to the school of thought that everything you’ve enjoyed prior to having kids has to end. We never stopped traveling when we had kids, for example. Our kids have been all over the place both domestically and internationally, and I think they are better people for it. We somewhat adjusted how and where we traveled, but really, not entirely. We also took our kids out to restaurants from the time they were born. We raised our kids to have good manners, and they were not disruptive or rude in public places. The same goes for checking out museums or going to shows. And if someone was having a rough day / night and causing an issue, we would just wrap it up to head home so as not to bother others - those nights were *very* few and far between, however. Largely, we “trained” our kids to fit into our world to a big degree.
- All of that said, raising kids is hard because they are their own people with their own personalities and their own struggles. And since I get the sense that most of the people who responded to this thread prior to me have kids on the younger side, I will say that there are some very hard moments that pop up between about 12 until they’re in their late teens. Not a steady bad eight years at all - still great times in there, absolutely, but serious low points do happen. You don’t get to decide who your kid becomes in terms of interests or personality flaws or mental wellness in today’s hard world, and sometimes, you really just won’t like them for a day or a week or a month. And this isn’t because they inherently become bad people or even present especially difficult challenges individually, but because life is hard for them, so it becomes hard for you. Your desire to protect your kids from things that hurt them never goes away, but the risks to them get much bigger and your ability to control their world goes away. That was absolutely the hardest thing for me as a parent – still is. The level of worry is something I was entirely unprepared for, and it all comes from that intense love.
- Being a good parent and raising good human beings who care about other people and will contribute to society takes hard work. It takes help with homework and dinner around the table as a family most nights and reiterating your values over and over and over, and not giving up when your kids go through hard times or need you. It is not for the faint of heart.
No one can tell you if you should have kids, and it isn’t a decision you should make lightly. I don’t know how old you are and therefore how much time you have to make a decision without fertility being a significant factor, but I would suggest taking your time so that if you do decide to proceed you go in eyes wide open. Best, best, best thing I ever did and I would do it again in a heartbeat, but it isn’t all snuggles and sweet smiles.
Enthusiast
Thank you for such a thoughtful post. I don’t have kids but several of my friends are going through some really rough teen years right now with theirs. Your comments capture so honestly what I hear from them. ❤️
We adopted two from Asia. By far the best decision I’ve ever made. Gave purpose and direction to our lives. Made me grow up real quick.
As a former child I can’t really see the pros outweighing the cons for having them. Most of the reasons I hear people use for having kids tend to sound a bit selfish to me.
I don’t think anyone should have kids without being 100% with themselves that it’s highly likely nothing will go as planned and they are now responsible for someone else for at least 18 years. Think worst case scenario and are you willing to go through it for the chance to have a kid.
For you, you can grow your inner circle without having kids of your own. You can get closer to the existing family/friends you have and strengthen those relationships as well. Family doesn’t just mean blood relatives. Plenty of people can tell you how blood relatives have treated them poorly or how a friend became closer to them than anyone in their family.
Someone I know who doesn’t have kids because they’re not 100% sure said they’d rather live with the regret of not having kids than regretting the decision to have a kid after already having a one.
I think everyone needs to live with that principle because there’s no room for regret once you have a kid because it’ll impact your parenting and an actual living being.
Fair. But hope everyone gets what I mean. I’m still not at 100% even after a kid 😂 there are definitely some days we question our choice lol
Community Builder
Remember it’s a hit responsibility :) don’t rush yourselves, keep building and strengthening your relationship, and when you’re 100% decided, do it :)
Chief
I’ve always experienced joy in family - I have a large, tight-knit family and wanted to expand that joy. I’m also a woman and felt the urge to be a mother very strongly around 30.
I’m pregnant with my first now and it’s the most exciting adventure I’ve ever been on. I already love this baby so much - and I can’t wait to meet him.
Personally, I don’t view children as restricting freedom. I grew up as the child of an immigrant and my parents never really catered to kid-focused activities. I think that’s a very American viewpoint, and not something I plan to subscribe to. Kids change things, but they don’t need to limit your enjoyment, travel, etc.
Yes , both of us are over 30 now
We wanted to have a family of our own that was more than just the two of us. There was also the internal desire of having a mini-us roaming around.
We were financially stable and knew we could give our kid a comfortable life and more than what we had grown up with.
And what everyone says about the strong love you have for the baby after having them are absolutely true. Yes you’ll miss the freedom of just being able to get up and leave but in a few years I’ll miss the time that my kid was a year old the same way :)
Enthusiast
It seems like there is little room for ambivalence when it comes to having children. I have been incredibly uncertain about having children. I worry about the changes to my body, my lifestyle, and most importantly, the responsibility. I have never felt like I want or am ready for children.
However, 3 weeks ago I found out I am pregnant. When I initially found out I was terrified, a little angry, and sad. But I also realized I was never going to be “ready” and that maybe I really can do this.
I guess the moral of the story is it’s okay to be uncertain, and you might not ever be “ready” but if it ever does happen you might actually surprise yourself.
Pro
Congrats SA1, even when I wanted to get pregnant, I was still scared when I found out. I hope you have a smooth pregnancy and you absolutely can do this!
Read r/regretfulparents on Reddit and see how you feel after. Should help your decision
I mean you’re asking select groups. People on FB are professionals who make a decent living and can think beyond having to provide for their kids. So you’ll probably have people with positive experiences as parents on FB.
Similarly you’re looking at “regretful parents” on Reddit. Only people who regret having kids will be on that group. So you’ll just hear the contrary opinion there. There’s stories on the thread from people who “accidentally” got someone pregnant and wish they’d never had.
I always assumed growing up that I would have kids, because that’s what people do. But the older I got, the more ambivalent I became. It turned into more of a “well, if HE really wants kids I can go along with that…” Now I’m 40, happily single, and definitely never going to give birth. I’m still open to the idea of potentially parenting in some way, either as a step-parent to a future partner’s kids or through fostering, but the most likely scenario is I’ll just be a cool Aunt and honorary Aunt to my brother and friends’ kids, and I’m pretty satisfied with that.
I have known people who had kids who were not happy later in life. Specifically, my parents.
People understate how much sleep you actually lose the first couple years, but people also overstate how hard it is to be a good parents and raise good kids you can travel and enjoy life with.
Fundamental question for you personality wise is do you *enjoy* being responsible for other beings? If not, you may find parenting emotionally draining. If so, you won’t mind the hardships for how rewarding it is.
Rising Star
We've agreed to not have kids. The freedom is fantastic. We spoil our brothers and sisters kids instead, we're the cool aunt and uncle.
Enthusiast
It takes a village to raise a child, and choosing to be a part of someone's village is underrated.
Kids are a lot of responsibility and work, but I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything!
Enthusiast
Do you want to actively parent?
Beyond the growing your circle / losing your freedom tradeoff, do you actually want to do the work of raising a child?
I get that after having a kid it was all wonderful . But what made you go ahead and have kids e.g. just because everyone was having it , fear of loneliness in old age, monotonous life, having your own people around .
Growing up, always knew I wanted to be a Dad to two kids. It’s not for everyone, and that’s OK. But would not change it for the world.
Enthusiast
The natural state is having children. You need a pretty good reason not to
If her health is not a concern, having at least one or 2 is a great investment. That's the most important thing you would do as couple... if having one child is enough to screw your relationship, it's time to check you priorities