My 3 year old hits their newborn sibling constantly. Many times we can control it but sometimes we cannot. He goes for the head, which is terrifying. Has anyone else dealt with this? We try to explain without being harsh as we don’t want to build further resentment but am seriously stressed about how to handle.

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Probably need to speak with the older child's pediatrician asap for advice. There is a certain suggested method of introducing a newborn to a toddler. For instance, if the toddler's first impression is seeing the baby in the mother's arms, they develop instant jealousy. When we did it, we read the baby must be out of sight after the birth and the toddler goes to the mother to cuddle for a few minutes. Then the father brings the baby to both the mother and toddler.

I'm mentioning this to explain there is probably a similar method of resetting the relationship and dynamics. A pediatrician is the starting point.

likehelpful

Also, ask about discipline techniques. There are times you need to be stern, whenever a toddler does something that could harm others or himself/herself. Like if the toddler starts reaching for anthills or electrical outlets, you should grab their hand and sternly say "no" every time with a stern face. If you crack a smile or try to be gentle the toddler will continue to do it for attention or as a game.

helpful

This does not feel like something pediatricians typically help with?

Similar situation. Simple solution — you have to monitor them when they’re together and keep reinforcing gentleness. The 3 year old doesn’t have good impulse control and you just have to expect they will be rough at times and be there to intervene and correct. The Peds option sounds good too

Any hitting of anyone triggers a punishment in our house. The escalation goes from me raising my voice to time out in the corner, then time out in their room. We avoid corporal punishment.

Once the tantrum is over, we talk about how to express our feelings, asking for forgiveness, and then how to make amends. Asking what’s frustrating the kid and empathizing with them goes a long way. Strongly recommend “How to Talk to Little Kids” for good tactics.

This does sound like a jealousy response. Careful of times where you say “I can’t do this, I need to do X for the baby”. Rephrase to say “I have to do X first, then I can help you”, not explicitly placing the baby’s needs over the toddler’s wants since they can’t distinguish between the importance of the two.

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