My bf & I will be moving in together for the 1st time after dating for 5 years. He hasn’t been any help through the whole searching, budgeting process & tbh I feel alone. I’m exhausted, stressed & feel like I’m drowning. I’ve voiced my concerns over being the only one involved but his excuse is that he’s stressed. When I call him about a new listing etc he seems annoyed & disinterested. I will also be paying for more since I make more but due to his salary most apts in said budget (cont)

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Tell him you understand he's stressed and so are you. You'll be happy to continue the apartment search when he's ready to do it with you.

This should definitely be something you do together. If he's not ready for that, and you're in a time crunch, get your own place and tell him you can revisit after your lease ends. It's one of those things where you need to be straightforward. You don't want to move in together already feeling drained and not excited.

likehelpfulupliftingsmart

Ily cuz my brain wanted to scream dump him. You’re patient and assertive

likefunny

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH SOMEONE YOU ARE NOT MARRIED TO!!!!

likefunnysmartupliftinghelpful

I didn’t live with my husband before marriage and am glad we didn’t. We spent the first year or two learning about each other as newlyweds should do but we had the lifelong commitment there. If you’re committed to someone, you make it work - regardless of how they do chores. Everyone has quirks and annoying traits. Why do you need to live together to assess if these are tolerable? If they’re intolerable, don’t be with them. Why buy the cow if you get the milk for free? I know a lot of couples that lived w their SOs and broke up with them after years together. Lots of investment, money lost, broken leases, shared pets/ custody issues, and bitter feelings after. Live with the person you’re determined to marry.

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He’s not excited to move in. So don’t. Period. Causing you mental, emotional and future financial stress. Not worth it

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Don’t move in w him. You can do it later if you still want. The time isn’t right and you don’t need to explain yourself. You don’t need to feel bad either. I would just say something like “the timing doesn’t seem to be right because I am stressed looking/budgeting/etc and you are really stressed with other things. When things subside, let’s revisit moving in”. You can always go back to it.

Also - it’s ok to ask for advice from whoever you want. Sometimes you need a unbiased opinion or just to talk it out with people who don’t know you.

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This definitely sounds like a really good predictor of what the rest of your life will be like together. He doesn't acknowledge that you might also be stressed and also not want to do an apartment search, but just assumes you will take care of it. Saying "I trust your decision-making" sounds great, but leaves you with all the work. It's one thing if this process works better with your schedule, so maybe you do more of the work, but doing *all* the work does not bode well for having a partnership running a household (and family, if that's part of your plan) in the future.

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You could consider yourself lucky that he showed this side before you actually moved in together, so you can get out more easily ❤️

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First, only you will determine whether this is a relationship you want to remain in. Second, find out what your love language is. I'm not a box of chocolates and red roses gal. Doing things together is what bonds us. Third, both of you must acknowledge how you're going to effectively talk about money. If it's meant to be your bf can't keep sweeping it under the rug. I'm stressed out is a weak excuse and a sign of immaturity, in my opinion. You both have to gauge your commitment level. Ask yourselves if you have Ken and Barbie expectations. If you get married later, your problems now will only amplify. They don't go away. I'd make that decision quick and cut your losses. No relationship is perfect and i hope you seek advice from your trusted family and friends or a therapist. I'm going on 29 years of marriage and 3 adult kids. We've evolved and have been through a lot of s**t. It's not perfect and works for us. All the best to you.

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When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

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OP- can you please let us know some of you SO’s redeeming qualities? In other words, is he absolutely wonderful in other areas of the relationship??

I think most of the responders have the impression this guy is a complete dolt that, at 27, sits around playing Xbox all day while you do all the work.

What makes you stay???

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Excuse me by why aren’t you married yet lol

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This is a huge red flag and an indication of how your future together will be. It’s up to you whether that’s a future you can see yourself being happy living..... it doesn’t sound like it. My advice is don’t move in with this guy, your life together will be miserable.

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“Run away, run away.”
If only I could speak to my 20 year-old self who did it all, only to be emotionally ignored.
You really are better off alone.
I bought the house with 20% down, furnished and bought appliances. His contribution: a TV.
When we split three years later he took half of everything and the appliances I had just paid off.
Evenly yoked is the goal: or unyoked.

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So many off topic comments. If it were me, I would suspect he is not really wanting this change, time for a serious talk. The women in my family told me, the way it starts is the way it will always be. Only you can decide if that is OK.

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If you’re going to split everything 50/50 might as well get a roommate instead of living with a boyfriend who you’re unsure can even pull his weight. That’s just extra stress and drama you’ll be adding to your plate.

Move in once you’re both clear on what you both want and what you’re working towards in the future for your relationship. If you don’t have the same end goal for the relationship then why wait for someone that isn’t on the same page as you ?

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If you wouldn’t undertake the same financial arrangement with a roommate, don’t do it with a boyfriend/significant other.

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This doesn't sound like a good fit tbh. I'm moving in with my girlfriend after 6 months and she was less involved than me but always a team player and all around queen

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Run away from that relationship! If he is now like that imagine with everyday issues plus routine...

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Can you just stop until he has the time and capacity to become involved?

Keep in mind that he may not be as enthusiastic as you are about the whole moving-in scenario. Usually, when someone drags their feet about making decisions like this, it’s because they’re hiding some level of ambivalence or unwillingness to actually move forward,

You didn’t mention your ages (and I haven’t read the whole thread, so forgive me if you mentioned it above and I missed it), but 5 years is a long time to date without moving towards marriage unless you started dating in college.

You need to have a frank conversation with him about moving, moving in together, budgeting, and his perception of what your life together is going to be like. If he’s imagining that you’ll do all the work to make your lives run smoothly because he’s “stressed” all the time, and that’s not your vision, it’s much better to find that out now than it will be when you’ve relocated and signed a lease with him.

Regarding budget…unless one of you makes *significantly* more than the other (to the point that one person’s salary covers all major life expenses and the other’s gets banked and/or used for “fun stuff” like travel), then you need to find a way to reach a happy medium on the apartment cost. But you can’t approach these conversations with an “I’m right, you’re wrong” mindset, or use emotional pleas to get him to help, which will just make him grudging and resentful.

bf sounds like a beta - doubt things will improve unless he gets a jolt of real intrinsic motivation.

Get over it.

LOL. Maybe he just doesn’t care. Give him 3 options- house hunters style. Lay out total cost, cost per square foot, total beds and baths, his total expenses expressed as a % of the total cost, and then how much you will be paying of that total cost. Do not move in together if he will not split the deposit with you. He needs some skin in the game. Also, if he cannot pick between the 3 or he “doesn’t care,” pick one you would be able to afford on your own should he up and walk away.

He asked her to get a new job and move to a new city for him, the least he can do is be an equal player in apartment hunting. Doesn't sound like OP wants to play mommy

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