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Rules for thee not for me!
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My kind of protester.
Is the saying “man of the house” sexist?
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Tell him you understand he's stressed and so are you. You'll be happy to continue the apartment search when he's ready to do it with you.
This should definitely be something you do together. If he's not ready for that, and you're in a time crunch, get your own place and tell him you can revisit after your lease ends. It's one of those things where you need to be straightforward. You don't want to move in together already feeling drained and not excited.
Enthusiast
Ily cuz my brain wanted to scream dump him. You’re patient and assertive
Rising Star
DO NOT MOVE IN WITH SOMEONE YOU ARE NOT MARRIED TO!!!!
Enthusiast
I didn’t live with my husband before marriage and am glad we didn’t. We spent the first year or two learning about each other as newlyweds should do but we had the lifelong commitment there. If you’re committed to someone, you make it work - regardless of how they do chores. Everyone has quirks and annoying traits. Why do you need to live together to assess if these are tolerable? If they’re intolerable, don’t be with them. Why buy the cow if you get the milk for free? I know a lot of couples that lived w their SOs and broke up with them after years together. Lots of investment, money lost, broken leases, shared pets/ custody issues, and bitter feelings after. Live with the person you’re determined to marry.
If he is acting this way it might be that he is ashamed of making less than you, as social mores dictate (change is happening slowly). Or simply, you are not the one and he does not know how to break it to you.
I think you’re getting the first taste of red flags. Maybe don’t move in together. This sounds like a recipe for resentment and arguing from day one of cohabi
He doesn’t care, dump him.
Drop him
Dump him
Sounds like a man-child. Take this as a major red flag - if he can't be bothered with this, how is he going to be with common chores or rent - especially if one of you were to lose your income. This is a major red flag. (If it matters, I am a man, and had an ex with a similar background, and it turned out exactly as I am implying above).
Please do what is right for you. Let your boyfriend figure out his own issues and if/when he is ready to be a true partner to you, great, but for now it seems like that isn’t where he is at. Never let someone, even someone you love, turn you into a lesser version of yourself.
Yes it should definitely be something you do together, especially if he was the one pressuring you so much. I’d look at your relationship and ask yourself if he makes you happier than he stresses you out. If the answers no, you deserve so much more. Not saying anything bad about moving in together. My bf and I do it and absolutely love it. But if your relationship is already in a stressful place, moving in together will put an even larger strain on it.
Get the book Fair Play and accompanying card deck. This is just signs to come. Men are not used to having to do as much as women. I did this with my fiance after living together for 5 years and being together 8, and he was honesty floored at how much shit I do to keep our lives running that he didn’t even notice. Sometimes they just need to see laid out in front if them.
Hmm
OP, did your boyfriend have an issue with the apartments in your budget? Or did you?
What’s his race? Just curious! Could be as a result of cultural background. Is he from the US?
Lolll
As someone that lived with boyfriends
If I could go back and do it again I wouldn't. PM me if you want to chat about it more.
Personally, I would just give him a task to do. Like “you go search which area/apartment are within your budget and let me know”. Let that decision be in his court. While you find a place on your own stay first while he decide.
Either that, or you just pick the apartment. It seems either he doesn’t care where he lives, or he doesn’t find the urgency in planning.
Sounds like your BF is still living at home… plus you may want to rethink this if there’s not an engagement on the horizon or plan on absorbing all of the rent when you boot him out.
OP - sounds like a COVID divorce in the making!
Pro tip: stuff that you describe won’t change; people can change certain minor behaviors but if someone fundamentally doesn’t care about things that you care about, this is the result.
Moving in is a big step, but it should also be fun and exciting for both of you. Sounds like you’ve also made a gesture by “landing a job in his dream city”. If he’s not pulling his weight now (and I mean this in the sense of being a 50/50 partner) imagine sharing a home and some finances/bills etc. This scares me, for you!
I think he’s not right partner for you! Move on to someone else! Save time and money
You need to set your boundaries right now. Delay moving in until he is less stressed, tell him how much you expect for him to be involved in advance and wait for him to come to you with it. If he seems disinterested, there’s a talk to be had imo.
You should NOT move in with that person.