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I don’t think it’s fair; why is it her responsibility to be your role model? Perhaps you could take on more accountability for yourself to be a better person instead of putting blame or onus on someone else? 🤷♂️
Exactly 💯
It’s not really her job to be what you need.
She doesn’t owe you anything. She has no responsibility, obligation, or accountability to live up to what you decided she should be as an older sister.
Maybe you can wish you had a big sister to look up to, or you can wish she had a better life or her mental health led her to better places, but she is her own whole human and never asked to be a role model or support person.
Finally, as an oldest daughter/child, I can say that I have found mentors and my own ‘big sisters’ throughout my life who are still my strongest supporters and advocates. They want to do it, it is mutual, and it is ever-evolving as I grow up, go through similar stages as them, etc.
Chief
mate, no need to feel bad—u feel how u feel
if u feel she's never helped u, its prolly very normal to feel the way u do
With that said, "older" siblings doesnt equate to "role model." There r a lot of older siblings who fuggin suck. And ultimately, evolving into ur better person final form ain't ur sister's responsibility. It's urs. There are so many incredible humans to look up to, dun waste ur admiration energy on ur sis
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I guess I took follow in your sister’s footsteps too literary as a child
I mean it’s not totally fair because she didn’t agree to the responsibility of mentoring younger siblings just by being born first, so you can’t really expect her to be anything more than your normal sibling. Try to just love her unconditionally and remember not to put her on a pedestal, because older sibs really don’t have everything figured out. It would be nice of her to give mentorship if she has more wisdom than you, but you shouldn’t expect her to make you a better person in order for you to love and care about her. She’s not your parent.
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Remember that old siblings in some families might be more fucked up cuz it was "the first rodeo" for your parents, they may have done a much better job with you.
Again some observations, not a rule or anything, but could be an explanation, so don't feel like you have to hold your older sister to any level of expectations in terms of adjustment/wisdom etc...
You should go to therapy OP, they can help
It’s not necessarily fair, but sometimes older siblings aren’t role models. There are plenty of people you will meet in your life that you can admire and aspire to be like, they most likely won’t be related to you. There’s nothing wrong with that
I never really considered my older sister a role model but I personally don’t think that makes her a bad older sister at all. To me, she’s a great older sister because she helps me with my problems that I can’t always discuss with my parents or my friends. I can always ask for her opinion or help with anything that she might’ve experienced before and if I ever need someone, she’ll never say no. I don’t think it’s fair to expect your older sister to be responsible for being a role model for you, I think you should just love your older sister for the good things about her and realize that she’s still figuring things out just like you. As long as she’s there for you when you need it, she’s the perfect older sister. Of course I always wanted an older brother that could be my role model but a role model in an older sibling is something you appreciate if it’s there, not something you fault them for if it’s not.
No, she’s not your parent, and even your parents’ responsibilities have limits. YOU are accountable for who you become. It’s no one else’s responsibility but your own.
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As an older sibling, I expect other older siblings to be this way for some reason, too. I remember when I had a terrible relationship with a guy and when she saw me hanging out with him again, I felt severe shame. Because I didn't want her to be like me in that aspect.
In all other aspects of life, I've done better in school and work than her. Not as competition but as a resource so that she can do better than me one day. Her and I support one another.
When I see older siblings acting like a bum -- doing stupid things (drugs and whatnot), I do judge.
Always, agreed. And I’m glad they can see how I evolved and will always have my support. However, I don’t owe it.
Enthusiast
It is fair and it can definitely happen, but thats her limit in being a good sister. Not everyone will mature the same or help in the same way. She probably doesnt know that she should show more responsable as an older sister. It is not because she was born before you that she will be a better person…i am number 3 and number 1 and 2 really dont care much about my wonderful mother or even my own life. Just dont think about it :)
Haha OP WHATTTTTTT. Why would a literal biological sister have a ‘point’ for being in your life?! Ohmygod the entitlement, I am mindblown. Two people decided to procreate and now shes here and then they decided to procreate again so you’re here. That’s why she’s in your life. I’m shook.
I also feel a bit of resentment towards my sister for this. I always saw how my friends older sisters/brothers were role models to their siblings but that wasn’t the case for me. I met a lot of “life goals”before she did. That being said, she’s not obligated to be the model big sister. We’re all on different paths. And honestly good for her for not feeling like she needed to be a role model, I’m sure it’s a lot of pressure. I’m still a little sad I’ve never had the typical dynamic but it is what it is and I love her either way.
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Yeah same.
As an older sister…no you should not feel bad. I don’t care what I’m going through, I’m always there for my sister and even though she’s not my kid she’s my SISTER if I’ve been through it it’s my responsibility to help her with whatever I can.
Why is it her job to make you a better person? I am blessed to be surrounded by people (including my sibling) who make me a better person, but they are not obligated to just due to relation or proximity. You are both adults now, so do you make her a better person?
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Whoa I never said it was her job to make me a better person.. I’m just saying shouldn’t a sister want to help you become a better person if you seek it?
Chief
Why don't you help her become a better person? My God I am the oldest and I'm seeing a lot of my younger brothers in this post. Just because we're older doesn't mean we have it all figured out - it usually means there was no one there our age to help us figure it out - and we have our own problems too! Just pretend she's younger and you need to figure some stuff out and voila, now you have a tiny glimpse of what it feels like to be the oldest!
Are you 12 years old ?
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Did I say I was?
Chief
Not fair at all. She didn’t be asked to be put in a specific role - it’s birth order, not an actual job she needs to complete.
Try loving and accepting your sister for who and what she is. Practicing acceptance will be good for your relationship… and I’m guessing, there are probably some aspects of your personality that she doesn’t love - but accepts - too 😊
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I’m trying to gain more context… Is your older sibling not a proper role model because you’ve gone to them for advice/support and they’ve fallen short because they don’t have their shit together?
It’s not wrong for you to want a role model but this can be provided outside your familial relationships. Just because someone is older, does not mean they should have the expectation that they will be a role model. It’s a nice to have in my eyes and be fulfilled elsewhere if you want a mentor!
As a older sister, I would hate if my sisters put the responsibility of being their role model on me. I’m my my own person and I’m not their parent. I’m growing and need to focus on my personal growth too. I too need mentorship/role models