So i’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 5 years, 3.5 of those long distance. We’re both 26. I just moved across the country to be in her city and I really can’t shake the feeling that this was a huge mistake. I left friends, family, and am having doubts about the relationship… and of course I’m about to start a new job (so I’m locked into this city for at least awhile). Has anyone been through something similar? Appreciate anything, just feeling very stuck right now 🙏🏻

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It can be a mistake and it sucks. Just focus on you and prioritizing you. get your own place and focus on you.

DONT become numb, and try to stick it out. I’ve seen people live their entire lives like that. It’s not happy.

You’re young. Figure out where you want to live and find out where you feel community.

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I may be projecting my own experience on this. My partner and I spent 5 years together before moving cross country for new jobs. I never felt at home in the new city and over time started questioning our relationship. It was hard separating my unhappiness with the location from our relationship. The relationship was the main reason I was out there - I wouldn’t have made such a big move away from family/friends/support if I were single.

I got another job opportunity near where we used to live and moved back ahead of my partner. We agreed to do long distance while he finishes up his postdoc on the opposite coast. Since moving back, I realize my unhappiness/uncertainty wasn’t about the relationship. I wish I had been more proactive in dealing with my location unhappiness (trying new things, making friends, joining clubs, etc) but it was challenging to separate them at the time. I was confused and depressed and should have sought more help to deal with my unhappiness.

Good luck! It’s really challenging. All I can say is that if you were feeling good/certain about the relationship before this move, it’s likely any negative feelings you are experiencing now aren’t due to the relationship itself, but are due to all the changes you’re currently experiencing. And these feelings may not go away with time (although hopefully they will as you adjust) - this location just might not be a good fit and you may need to specifically seek out things (new activities, therapy, new friends) to help mitigate those feelings and not have it creep into the relationship.

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Honestly, the thing that gave me the most clarity was moving away. It cemented for me that I really did value the relationship, but didn’t handle the stress of the location well. It was much easier to discern the two. While I was there, things that did help me were individual therapy, couples therapy, trying to take advantage of things specific to that area I knew I’d miss (through food, hiking, trips, camping), and trying to find friends/coworkers I connected with. I just also threw in a lot of other changes as well (job changes, got a dog) that were too big on top of being so unhappy with where I was living day to day. I would maybe commit to a set amount of time and then decide to reevaluate. That might be helpful mentally - like you’ll try to make the best of it and figure it out for x amount of time, and after then if it’s still not getting better, then you can change your situation.

Could it be your jitters? With any change comes this feeling of “uncertainty”. Are you conflating your feeling of “uncertainty” due to moving, with your relationship? Finding a truly loving partner, is rare. You can make new friends in the new city, still visit your old friends and visit you family. But the person you choose to build life with, must always come before your friends and your family. If you were to get married, this person will be your immediate family.

Unless there’s some actual incompatibility that cannot be resolved, theres no reason to just up and leave the relationship

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It’s a lot of newness at once. I’ve had those feelings relocating for both relocating for professional and personal reasons. Give things time, allow yourself to adjust. You’re already there, see things through a while. You can always move back later.

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The key for me was picking back up a social hobby. Mine was dance. But there’s all sorts of groups/clubs: sports, gaming, wine tasting, running. I went separately from the sig. other so I had something that was just for me. It was important to have that separation

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