Work drinking culture help please: I come from a family of abusive alcoholics. Both granddads died from alcoholism related health issues. I am the only person in my family without an unhealthy (cont)

Yes. Decline the drinks. You are doing the right thing for yourself. Your colleagues discomfort about your lack of drinking is THEIR problem, not yours. I have been at this a long time and discovered those who complain about my lack of drinking seem to have a little problem with the bottle themselves ....

Honestly, if I were in your shoes - I'd be direct as hell and say you have addicts in your family and that's why you approach alcohol with a very strict discipline.

I've known people who don't drink for religion, for past reliance, and other reasons. I love to get drunk with people and am probably one of those folks who would try to get you drunk (although I'm semi-perceptive to back off if I think there's an underlying reason), but I back off 100% when things like that come up.

You do not owe them any explanation.

dependence on alcohol and it is because I strictly moderate my drinking: no alcohol during the week and 2 drinks max at Friday happy hour.

My team has a huge issue with this for some reason and is constantly egging me to drink more, ordering drinks for me at team dinner without my approval and fussing when I don’t drink them, ordering me shots and egging me to take them, constantly getting in my case and just being complete assholes. It gives me flash backs to the abuse I dealt with in my family and it is making me hate my job.

I don’t care if they want to drink their lives away and I don’t care if they think I’m weird for not drinking a lot. But the amount of peer pressure and instigating they are putting on my is so absurd and I am so miserable despite loving my job and the work I do. Obviously I do not want to tell these people about my personal circumstances and past trauma as I can see it getting spread around the company and I’d rather not have everyone gossiping about that. Has anyone ever dealt with anything similar? Any advice? Is there any hope for someone like me to be successful in consulting?

And no, you don't owe them an explanation - but I think if you're direct you'll get more respectful behavior.

Sounds like your team is lame and immature. Sorry you have to deal with that shit.

Just say you don't drink during the week. It's a personal preference. People do that all the time and we understand it.

OP - sorry to hear your story and what you’ve had to endure. I too have loved ones who have suffered from the effects of alcoholism and I myself am not a big drinker. What works for me is usually a simple “nope - I’m good. Thanks though.” If they talk about you just smile and laugh it off. At the end of the day, you know why you’re doing what you’re doing, it’s commendable, and it’s no one else’s business. If it gets to the point where the bullying is absuive and too much to take, have a voice to voice conversation with the leader on your project as to why you don’t feel comfortable drinking and could do without the namecalling/bullying from peers. They should understand. If they don’t, find another project or take it to HR so it’s documented in the event you have to sue them for workplace harassment.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. In my opinion, I think if you shared your reason for not drinking, your teammates would respect that and leave it alone. I don’t know your firm culture, but that’s not something people would really gossip about. If they do, maybe that’s not the right firm. At most, I could see someone mentioning it to another coworker if that other coworker asked why you weren’t drinking. But all you have to do is ask your team to keep it among your team.

I had a teammate who told me he used to drink but doesn’t now and that was the end of the conversation. He came to dinners, hung out at happy hours - it was no big deal. If your teammates are still peer pressuring you and making the social environment uncomfortable, I would talk to your senior manager/partner/counselor. We’re all adults. Drinking is not a job requirement. And peer pressure amounts to bullying.

Your just being passive af. Just tell people your genetically predisposed to alcoholism, nobody will care after. So many people with all types of dietary restrictions and I've never heard of any team forcing them to eat anything they don't want. You treat it like this deep dark secret, get over yourself people just don't give a fuck. We get shit faced and go to the club's with our Indian coworkers that don't drink, but they already told us why.

If you want to go out with them, tell a short & sweet version of the truth. If you don’t, then screw them. My husband is an alcoholic & I don’t drink anymore because of it. Gave up on caring what other people think of me not drinking a long time ago. It’s a real issue that too many people don’t come out about because they’re embarrassed, which is total BS. It’s one of the most rampant issues in society, but it’s all hush hush. You may actually help someone by being up front about this. Like you said, someone in the group might have an issue. Certainly not your job to council them, by why hide it- you’re not the alcoholic.

I'm in your same boat. I don't drink for personal reasons. When people try to force me, I politely tell them I'm fine and don't want a drink. If they insist, I look at them directly and say "seriously, I'm good. Thank you though." And end with a semi smile. If they still don't get it, I get up and walk away, or ignore them completely when they refer to drinks. They usually get the hint and shut up about it

OP I think you just say “no thanks, I like to keep it to one or two”. That’s it. I do it all the time. Don’t make up anything. Also don’t worry about/ judge what the others are doing (that’s their choice just like not drinking is yours). Try not to read too much into your teammates sending you drinks - just don’t drink them - I’m sure they don’t mean anything by it other than to try to include you in what’s going on - don’t hold it against them. Try to set up a team event that lends itself to less drinking such as bowling, a cooking class, one of those escape games, etc. I suspect you’ll enjoy their company better at that type of event. I wouldn’t try to change teams over this, there will be elements of this on all teams, in all companies, and in all industries - it’s much worse in many other industries.

Last thought on this: Unless there is something else that you aren’t telling us, I was surprised that you said that you consider somebody sending you a drink a “violation of trust” since that implies that you have confided something to one or more of the people that is doing so. Is there something else going on?

I feel like I shouldn’t have to owe this explanation and have to dig into my past trauma just to catch a break with these people. Especially since they have absolutely shattered any trust or respect from me

Such stories do get around because I’ve heard them myself from others gossiping.

I’d ask them “what part of “no” don’t you understand?” with a smirk. Should shut them up.

No need to come up with a medical reason if this project will go on for a while. Just say no for personal reasons and leave it at that. I would also consider bringing this up in a sober setting - trying to say no when folks are drunk is also a losing battle if your coworkers aren’t accepting

I’m just so sorry you’re dealing with this. How frustrating. Keep doing whatever is best for you. Hug!

OP - I don’t drink for personal reasons and I know a partner in my practice who does not drink. So stand firm. If your team does not understand, then tell them firmly to respect your boundaries. If your manager is doing it, talk to him one-on-one, and take it up with your CC or PML. And then if it does not stop raise it to your partner and then HR.

Drop a burner if you want to talk.

PwC4 asking the hard questions...
You don’t have to lie OP, and you shouldn’t have to. This sounds like a good opportunity to have an “I feel... when you...” conversation with the manager/loudest voice of the group. Assuming they’re not a total asshat of a human being, once you bring it to light how much it bothers you in a one-on-one conversation, I suspect the bullying will stop. That being said, it sounds like your project is full of immature a-holes, so who knows? Sorry you have to deal with that.

PWC4 valid question, I worded it poorly. Distrust is due to the fact that they tend to gossip about other people’s personal issues so I know they would do the same about me. Lack of respect due to the constant back and forth and making a fuss about me not drinking. It’s not just that they buy me drinks but it’s demanding I take the drink and then throwing a huge fuss when I don’t drink it even though this has happened a million times before...