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Rising Star
Money is the #1 reason for divorce (atleast in the US). Him keeping his finances is sooooo sketchy and I think that should’ve been a conversation to have for a values check before “where are we going.” Sponsoring him isn’t the worst thing when you’re married but including your side note and the money thing, I wouldn’t go through with it myself. Don’t feel pressured into this because of your age.
Soooo many red flags in these two paragraphs. 35 isn’t that old in today’s modern world. Don’t saddle yourself to someone who is in financial distress AND who you had to basically beg to move things forward.
Rising Star
80-90% survive the thawing process. If you have 30, this is 24-27. I would say that a higher amount survive the thawing process rather than not. If you don’t believe me, look up the numbers:
https://extendfertility.com/egg-freezing-success-rates/
Your understanding is clearly wrong. And many many people have kids over 35. Men are def not obsessed with age - esp when they are 40+. They’ll basically take whatever they can get, especially if they’re bald.
It’s presumptuous for you to think that women are sleeping with men who won’t commit. Believe it or not, not all women sleep around. Some of us don’t hook up without a commitment. 🙄 just because you’re a trash guy doesn’t mean all men are
Kept his finances a secret like that? 🚩
So after pestering him to pop the question for 5 years *now* you're doing your due diligence on the relationship and have doubts?
You got your ego boost. Maybe it's time to let the nice fishy off the hook.
Run away
On a serious note, don’t get stuck with a guy just because you’re 35, I know many people who met the right partner a little later in life and are happier than those who compromised just because of age
This seems like a big red flag to me, feel free to DM if you’d like to chat about it.
I’ve taken many wrong decisions in my life and wish I had someone to guide me/ a sounding board while I was confused about those decisions
You’re 35 not 85
Do you want to be single at 35 or divorced at 40? seems like these are your only choices
OP, there are many couples that sponsor their spouses to other countries. Some work, some don't.
As far as the debt, it's the same thing. There are many couples that tackle debt together and build each other up. Did he hide it, or did it just never come up in conversations? The real issue is how much is the debt? Is this something you can work with? Who does he owe and why? Is it business debt or personal debt? Why do you want to have a huge wedding if one of you is already in debt? Can you have a small wedding instead and focus on paying some of the debt? How is the immigration process in Canada? How is the job market? Is he in a field where finding work will be a problem, or is his field in demand? How long will he be unemployed before being able to pull in money, and if he does, how high can he realistically pull?
These are the questions that will help you answer this dilemma. Not the fact that he has debt or that he needs sponsorship. We cannot definitely say whether it will work or not, so ignore all the answers that are jumping to conclusion. People on this app have a theoretical view on relationships, not necessarily a practical one.
If he took these loans for trips with you, maybe it's a case of wanting to impress you/didn't want to to look like he couldn't afford to go on vacation with you. Which leads me to think he isn't as well off as you are. If that's the case, his desire to impress you is driving him to make wrong financial decisions. How long can he realistically pay off the debt?
I think having a conversation with him on 1. He doesn't need to spend to the moon to impress you and 2. How does he plan on paying that debt off can go a long way. You didn't go into details about other issues, so I'm assuming this is the only thing standing in the way of your wedding, and that you had planned a road map of the aftermath of him coming to Canada (if not, please review all my other questions). So just based on the loans, it would be smart of you to pause the wedding planning, have that conversation and let him set some goals and a plan to pay off some if not most of the debt before you guys discuss the wedding any further.
Seems like you dug your own grave here.
Red flags, he’s not worth it. Trust me when I say. It is better to be single than be in a relationship that is unhealthy. I settled, it’s horrible. Now I have a kid and divorce is near impossible. Its not worth it. You deserve so much better than that.
I had significant debt when dating my now husband and I was upfront and honest and I took a second job to pay it off by my wedding. I have proven myself in regards to maintaining a stable job and saving up a ton.
Pro
Fb is not the right crowd to ask. You have to rely on people who know both of you and your relationship
Agree with D1. Everyone is so quick to be pointing the finger that it’s the guys red flag to hide the financial situation. What if the red flag was that he didn’t feel comfortable to open up to her in the first place because of her views (like many women these days) on money. Could be him being the red flag but could also be her.
You're not in a dilemma. You know the answer. You just want validation.
Dump him.
Pro
Don’t do it.
Sponsor him to come to Canada? Where does he live and what’s his visa situation? I didn’t understand that portion.
Aside from the finances and him hiding it being a huge issue, that in itself if may be another problem because sponsoring him cooks be stressful depending on how long it takes.
So imagine being stuck with someone for a while as you’re sponsoring him and then dealing with the financial issues
He lives in another country. We were long distance the entire 5 years. Yes sponsoring him is going to be a task as I'd need to sign a legal undertaking that I would take care of him financially for 3 years. My worry is with his personal loan piling and zero savings... It kinda became the straw that broke the camel's back.
Sounds like you’ve wanted him to pop the question so bad before, why stop now?
I heard op say they’ve been having these “same conflicts over the years and questioning my choice” atp she wasted so much time putting up with it before, now that she’s finally got him to propose and she wants to end it? It sounds like all she cared about is a proposal anyway that’s my point.
Why did he keep his financial issues a secret, have you spoken about it? What is his plan to address? This is the biggest flag for me. That he only proposed that’s fine, everyone has their own timeline and this was his, you could have always left if you didn’t like it. Sponsoring also not a big deal if he is moving to Canada for you. How is he staying in the country currently?
No there wasn't any back and forth travelling for him. His debt was due to him having zero savings in his account and he took a personal loan for that.
I wish our relationship worked out but I guess it wasn't meant to be.
Elephant in the room- do you want kids?
Rising Star
You lose20% in the unfreezing process and if you bank a lot it doesn’t matter. My friend banked 30 and so did I. Studies show when you unfreeze and 20+ are available it’s basically guaranteed to be successful
You deserve better. Do not do it.
Don't have the wedding if you need a loan. Do something that doesn’t require loan? Does he have a plan for his debt? Doesn't sound like you are that into him, leave. Dating gets hard at your age, but better than going through a divorce. Unless you change your outlook on this, things will get worse.
Do you love him?