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How narrow minded are we that we are actually asking questions like this.
A1 it might sound narrow minded now but when you grow older and are trying to build a life with someone this stuff matters
From a female 🐟 perspective that identifies as religious and moderate-
I wouldn’t say it’s a prob, but it is something I would 100% notice and ask you about why that is. For me, religion is about having a connection to Muslims and community. So if you don’t have Muslim friends, it does make me wonder whether we have similar religious values/upbringing. Also if we have kids, I’d want to make sure my kids were raised amongst friends that uphold the same values. This is not to say that if you’re non-Muslim you don’t hold similar values, it’s just that for me, tribe is everything (as-is making sure my kids feel a connection to the masjid and God)
As for your personal examples-
100% wouldn’t be okay with going to bars/lounges/hookah spots even if I wasn’t drinking or smoking or dancing - it’s being in that environment that I think is wrong, regardless of “muslimness"
I’d try to stay away from alcohol/smoking as much as I can, but understand it’s inevitable in some circumstances. Would never bring alcohol/smoking things into my home however. And would be open to trips, but only if everyone had separate rooms and preferably no/limited alcohol/smoking in the living space... but with kids, even that would be too lax. Altho I think generally most folks do get stricter with these things when they have kids
A1 - We don’t know the circumstances why the lady is asking the question
Maybe she doesn’t herself feel comfortable around non Muslim friends
I think it’s a little harsh to judge and say she’s being narrow minded
Not a problem as long as you agree on what environments and behaviors are ok/not ok.
I'm a married hijabi and both my husband and I have tons of non Muslim friends. We occasionally travel with non Muslims, go to their homes & festivities, restaurants, weddings etc. We don't drink and our non Muslim friends know this and understand our social limitations clearly and don't pressure us to engage.
OP, do you really want to be with someone so narrow minded? Don’t change yourself bruh, find someone with a similar lifestyle as yours 💁🏻
OP - couple points.
American and non-Muslim are two different things :) I’m American and I’m Muslim. Obviously being American isn’t a dealbreaker
No one after me said that it was a problem that you have mostly non Muslim friends, just that we’d be curious to know why that’s the case. Not a dealbreaker. We wouldn’t dump you over it. And we didn’t say that we didn’t think you were a good Muslim because of it. It’s great that you do all those things that are listed. We didn’t say you don’t
We didn’t say that we don’t have non-Muslim friends. We just said that our friends (Muslim and non) are people we put into our lives because they make us better people and better Muslims.
We didn’t judge you or anyone in your position. Just that we’d be curious. PERSONALLY, I would be curious as to why you feel like you have to hang out with your friends in bars and clubs, and not at dinner or brunch or someone’s house or literally anywhere else. But I swear when I say I’m not judging, I’m just the kind of person who wouldn’t ever feel comfortable going to those kinds of places (why should I subjugate myself to that kind of haramness - and let’s be real... alcohol is haram, smoking is haram, clubbing is haram, PDA to an extreme is haram) and I always make it clear from the beginning, hey I’m down to hangout but let’s pick this neutral-ish place instead or yes I’m down to brunch at your house and I’ll bring something but also just keep in mind I don’t eat pork or whatever the situation. His reasoning and understanding would be the kind of convo I would have with someone I’m getting to know. It’s obviously a difficult conversation, but it’s an important one
At the end of the day, I would pick someone who, in totality, matches my values and personality and lifestyle. No one thing is ever a dealbreaker
Aside —
Let’s be real here - even Muslims can be bad friends and bad influences. It’s just ideal that we pick people into our lives that uplift us just as we uplift them. That’s what real friends are
Down to discuss some more if you want :)
Since many of my close friends have come from work, I'm finding many girls that have issues that I go to bars/lounges (even tho I don't drink or smoke and never have)
Also, they wouldn't be comfortable going to game nights or over to watch sports if my friends are drinking.
Lastly, they wouldn't feel comfortable going to to beach or on trips with non-muslim friends.
Am I crazy to ask these things of girls that I meet, or should I change myself?
OP - definitely agree regarding non Muslim friends, I think though it's a question of do these friends pull you further from Islam vs. bring you closer. It may be an anomaly, but I feel like hanging out with my non Muslim friends gives them more of a window into my religion and is a light form of d'awah. E.g., going on trips and them seeing me stop to pray or wake up for fajr, or hearing about my hijab, or seeing me decline alcohol
FWIW, I also have a ton of Muslim friends (and they are my closest ones) but my non Muslim friends are very important and valued parts of my life too.
100% agree with everything C3 wrote. And OP it's not to say having close non Muslim friends is bad in any way. I have plenty of non Muslim friends. But your question said MOSTLY non Muslim friends, that's where the difference is between what we're saying here. Is having non Muslim friends wrong or something i would ever look at as a problem for my future husband? No absolutely not. However, as C3 stated before, not having many Muslim friends at all would just make me wonder about my husband. If he is religiously inclined like I personally would want my husband to be, normally they would have some close Muslim friends as well and be around an environment like that. Friends is key and makes a huge impact in who one is, not to say non Muslim friends are a bad influence in any way, in fact i think its great to have since they can see what Islam is about as well. But i think I'd question why someone im speaking to doesnt really have any close Muslim friends
C3 - my bad on the terminology. I, too, consider myself American. Non-muslim is the correct way to refer to my friends.
Secondly, I was not referring to you in my post, but I see how it came across that way. I was referring to the girl that I originally made this thread about. It was a deal breaker for her, and she judged me for it.
I dont understand why you all are continuously ignoring the fact that we've said it's NOT a deal breaker, just something we would wonder about and question
Interesting question. As a fairly moderate/liberal guy, I think yes. You shouldn't be too forecful in trying to get him to change tho if that's your plan. Be gentle and create opportunities for him. E.g. find guys in your/friends circles that have similar likes and dislikes and who you think would get along well, and create casual opportunities for them to bump into one another. Then when there's a friendly spark there, you can fan it by using your friends to invite you and the new folks to events, parties, gatherings, etc. Eventually if they wanna hang out together, they'll do so feeling like it was fate. I say this as a guy who's exes have tried to forcibly hook him up with her friends bfs and it hasn't taken due to the unnatural nature of it. #inceptHim
OP, I’ve wondered the exact same things (single, not talking to anyone at the moment). The majority of my friends, and ones I hangout with regularly, are non-Muslim. I don’t smoke/drink/date.
Another one is, she may or may not be okay with hugging non-mahrams, but would she be okay with me hugging female friends?
My assumption has been that it would depend on how religious she is.
I appreciate your feedback everyone.
C3 - I agree that kids change things. But I also personally believe that you shouldn't only have close relationships with Muslims.
Muslims represent less than 2% of the US population, if you don't learn to make good relationships with non-muslims, then I think life would be pretty miserable outside of the house/masjid.
OP with all of that being said idk if i would ever think of someone having mostly American friends as a deal breaker, especially since you def do seem to be practicing and focused on your religion. Again it does depend on the individual though and their preferences
It's one of those things, if you want me to tell you how this person is then show me his friends.
OP I'm saying think about it from her perspective. She might not have time to go interview all your friends.
Got it, OP. Thanks for clarifying. At the end of the day, people do what makes them comfortable. We all have that one thing we think we’re going to be judged on. As long as we’re confident in front of God about our actions, you have nothing to hide. Full transparency. That’s the goal
No problem as long as he has no probs with my friends