Related Posts
Conversation Starter
Rising Star
Pro
More Posts
Rising Star
Is it a red flag if they’re an associate?
Pros and cons of working on an auto brand?
Conversation Starter
Additional Posts in Big Law
Mentor
Mentor
Subject Expert
Coach
Enthusiast
Did you make a mistake working in BigLaw? Why?
Enthusiast
Anonymous User
Mentor
New to Fishbowl?
Download the Fishbowl app to
unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.
unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.
Hey I went through some (potentially) similar stuff, and I’ve learned so much in my late 30s and 40s about how to take more power over those aspects of my life.
I spent a lot of my life feeling alone, outside of my wonderful single mom. She passed away a few months ago, leaving me with pretty limited family left (my dad was a deadbeat).
I’m not a therapist but I am someone who can listen and share a little bit (if it helps).
DM me if you want to chat.
Mentor
Wow, that’s really awesome. Serious kudos to you for that level of bravery. I hope to be there one day. I’ve occasionally thought about sharing more, but the idea of people judging me professionally based on my past and my family keeps me mute. I was a teenage drug addict and am well aware that many people think once an addict, always an addict despite my 15+ years of sobriety. I’d love to hear how your story goes over next week.
I would recommend meeting with a therapist (I have my own) who is skills-building oriented (e.g., cognitive behavior therapy). I’d also recommend 3 days a week of working out (I’m only at two myself but be better than me) to help improve your mood and looks (the latter will help with romantic partners). Also, get a meditation app on your phone. Mindfulness will help with bringing about a more sanguine state of mind. It takes about a year to get effective at it but it’s well worth it. It’s just like going to the gym - hard at first but over time it becomes easier.
Just like it’s possible to reshape your body or learn a new language, it is possible to reconfigure and improve on your emotional regulation and emotional abilities. I speak from personal experience. You got this. It takes a few years, but you can do this.
Ooooor you could put yourself out there and find friends and create a chosen family.
If all of you have these same feelings maybe y’all can find each other? My point is maybe you’ve failed in the past. But your people are out there somewhere.
Coach
I have similar thoughts to you but I’ve made a different decision. In line with Emerson’s “a foolish consistency…”, for me, the way to deal with this is to pivot toward the uncomfortable. I am leaving big law and intentionally de-emphasizing work. The idea is to force myself to explore a different orientation for my life. If all I end up doing is watching Netflix all day, that becomes a data point and the beginning point of an inner journey. If this is not what I want from my life, I need to do different things no matter what fears I am holding onto.
Coach
I was in biglaw for like 10 years, it took me a year to feel okay working at a normal pace. That Netflix thing is normal, I’m about 3 years out and I still struggle to fill my “newfound” free time well bc for a decade i worked until midnight, and the stuff you can do when you get off at midnight are partying, drugs, and video games.
Enthusiast
Yep. When I was young and depressed (and lonely, mostly lonely) I consciously gave up hope on having a fulfilling personal life, so to fill the expected void I selected into this hyper-demanding career. Things are much less bleak now and my personal life takes priority over my professional life unless I’m really really under the gun at work.
I suspect most people in law have childhood issues. No sane person would do this to themselves
True. The money isn’t that much but the seeking approval will always be there
Enthusiast
I feel the same way. The little satisfaction I find in my life is derived from professional success.
The tragedy here is that I’m young - very young. But I’ve missed out on everything conventional youth has to offer, all in the pursuit of professional success. And yet, I 1) still feel like a failure and 2) f’ing *despise* this profession.
I will die alone and unhappy. I just hope that happens sooner rather than later.
Coach
Your view is really reminiscent of how incels justify saying their life is over at 22 bc they didn’t date in HS or college and they missed out on everything conventional youth had to offer, and theres no point trying to chase those things after 22.
They think like that bc they have some underlying mental health issue that makes them ruminate or feel despair and they work backwards to find a justification for feeling that way. I dunno if you’re depressed or have that common lawyer cluster of ocd / high neuroticism / catasrophizing or it’s something else but if you feel like your life is over and you await death your brain is leading you astray.
Other than addressing mental health issues the next step for you is to start developing passions outside of work.
Hang in there, friend.
Try therapy, anti depressants and working out. What you feel is not normal.
There’s a reason bar associations have programs for mental health. This profession takes and takes, with little in return but money (sometimes). Biglaw’s leveraging for max partner profits drives this, and we all buy into the trappings and self-perceived status. The best you can hope for is to get out before it’s too late. Recognizing the problem is a good start.
Subject Expert
OP you’re not alone. As all these responses can attest. Use these posts as motivation to become at ease with yourself. If you made it this far, you can create a group of friends and have a family. Becoming partner should not be an identity goal because you’ve determined now that friends/family is not possible. Of course it is. Cuz honestly, anything is.
We all need therapy. Been in it for years. Saved my life. Talk to someone.
OP, I am exactly like you. I even jokingly said that I am planning on marrying my firm since there’s nothing else out there. I’ve been told I’m great with clients and do excellent work.
It’s okay OP. I’ve felt the same way. If work brings you joy, I don’t see why this is a problem. Once you find an SO and a few close friends, it sounds like a pretty full life to me
Good luck with this.
No matter what choice you make you're probably going to have regrets about it. So just try to enjoy what you can, if you really want a family prioritize it you've proven you can achieve anything you set your mind to. If a family doesn't seem important to you revel in the choice that is solely yours
Get your career on autopilot and you can focus on community. It’s part of healing trauma. Can’t tackle it all at once.