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Chief
I've been in this situation for most of my 14 year ltr. I now make 6x what my partner makes. When we graduated from school we had the same amount of savings and a similar income. My partner doesn't believe in saving for the future and resents me for having $. I feel like it would be different if we had the income disparity but we agreed on how to save and spend money.
More power to you. I’d get so resentful
I’ll add that if finances weren’t a concern, I would probably have no other major issues. He’s truly my favorite person. But I guess that’s why they say finances are one of the biggest issues in relationships.
I’ve heard from some in Finance suggest that you could divide expenses by the ratio as your income. So if you make twice as much then you apply a 2:1 ratio to expenses so it will feel the same to each. I would try something like this if everything else was good.
My last relationship was like this. I am still supporting her. She refuses to get a job with more responsibility because she likes how easy her job is. It took me 16 years and a separation to realize that it's just her personality and how much I carried the household.
My advice? Don't get married. Keep your finances separate and split the bills evenly.
🙃 I hate this but appreciate it at the same time, thank you
My only advice is don’t get married to someone like this. Seen friends get really bad burnt. It’s fine to get married to someone that makes a lot less, but NEVER a good idea to get married to someone with vastly different financial habits.
I did. Divorced after only 7 years but ducked a bad settlement. I dodged a bullet.
I married a guy that made 25% of what I made. I knew that going in. Which is why I was ok him taking the first two years off and getting a masters degree. After that I expected to see a motivated person putting that investment to work. Nope. All I asked of him was to a) be employed, b) like what you do, c) and if you can’t contribute equally to the marriage with your earnings, find other ways like housework, etc. He ended up doing temp jobs because the jobs were mindless and he could joke around and slack off with people all day. Would come home and do next to nothing. It felt like not having a husband but instead having a teenager. I’m killing myself in a high stress, high effort job and he’s reaping the rewards. Not what I signed up for and after a year of counseling we divorced. I’ll likely never marry again, but if I do, I’ll have a prenup and I’ll make sure we’re closer to each other career wise. The earning imbalance led to a power imbalance which led to laziness and resentment. In hindsight I think we were doomed to fail.
I’m sorry that you went through that. I’ve realized that people who lack ambition rarely ever change.
Do you think the split in the divorce was fair or did the lack of a prenup hurt you?
Is your partner simply in an industry and line of work that doesn’t have growth like this? That may be a deciding factor in how people reply to offer insight.
This 1000x. You have become the parent. I’ve been there and it’s an awful situation.
I am in a similar situation, been doing it for 20+ years. I pay the bigger expenses (house, taxes, appliances, repairs, vehicles, etc) and he pays the lower bills (electric, gas, water, sewer, etc). The interesting thing is that he works for my side business, was in a high-level position, but it was too stressful so stepped down to a lower position. The more interesting thing is that we have been growing apart, into more of a roommate type relationship.
Oof. I’m sorry you guys are growing apart. I’ve been hoping this could get better with time, not worse so it’s definitely something I’m concerned about (we’re still in our 20s). This sounds very similar to our split in bills. We just bought a house (my first home purchase) but in reality it’s all in my name and every expense involved in the process was covered by me. The furniture we choose gets covered by me. Our mortgage is covered by me and he sends me the money to cover utilities. When we get married, it seems like the wedding will get covered by me. I’m hoping I can get through to him soon on basic financial stuff cause that’s the only way I’ll feel comfortable moving forward.
Your problem is your relationship, not your income, if these are expectations and you “talk about this often”. Stop it. If there are other issues, be honest about it. Is he lazy, sabotaging himself - or does he work in something like nonprofit where the real value is intrinsic? You’re making it sound transactional. My spouse was a teacher and always made less. Now an independent artist and making even less than that.
Correct. If he did something he cared about or even just liked, I could at least feel happy about that. He does admin type work now that he tolerates better than his previous jobs but still does not like. We both don’t really like working. I don’t care what he does but yeah I would say he sabotages himself by not trying harder to better his financial situation, either by managing his spending better or finding higher paying work. And I have been vocal about that with him.
I don’t mean for it to sound so transactional but I was curious how others’ experiences were in their relationships since these conversations tend to be gendered when it comes to hetero relationships.
Sorry if this is harsh, but a lot of these things should’ve been evident to you within the first month of dating. The lack of ambition, limited career options given the lack of a college degree, financial habits etc.
With that said, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this situation. I’m similar minded to you and can relate to your frustrations. It’s absolutely fair and not transactional to expect your partner to pull their weight and contribute more to the relationship, especially given he’s not doing anything in his control to improve the situation.
When you have these discussions with him, how does he respond? Is he receptive? Has he promised any action?
I’ll second what VP said, you need to give him a timeline with a clear final goal and actions he needs to take to get there. He should know clear as day that the current dynamic doesn’t work for you and that he might lose you if he doesn’t get it together.
As someone who’s also an anxious person and has a tendency to overthink, I completely get how you feel.
It sounds like you both care for each other deeply. He should understand how much this means to you and make it a priority accordingly.