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It’s hard to say from your description if your son is just growing up and making choices you don’t agree with but aren’t a big deal OR really making bad choices at school that are more serious. I do think your husband’s response is not helpful because typical 15-year olds are dumb and do dumb things that still matter, and those dumb things can get bigger if they aren’t addressed. I’ve been in your shoes of worrying about my teen sons - once with a son who is now 18 and thankfully is completely likeable again, and we are at the edges of it with my 15-year old (still watching to see if he’s veering off path or not). A few thoughts from our experiences:
- Being 15 these days – or even a tween and teen generally – is really stressful and comes with a tremendous amount of pressure. There is social media, peer pressure and a desire to fit in that trumps almost everything else, and the academic pressures of being in high school and taking harder classes. The crux of helping my boys through challenging phases has definitely boiled down to understanding what pressures they feel the most. Where are they feeling stress? What are the social dynamics that worry them? Do they have concerns about any friendships that feel tenuous to them or that they know may not be entirely healthy, but they feel they don’t have other alternatives? Are their friends making good choices or influencing them to do stupid things? Do they feel pressure at home regarding grades and goals to get into certain colleges? Are they struggling in a certain class in a way they have never struggled before so feel like throwing their hands up? Do they have any body image issues stemming from social media (more common with boys than many people think)? Have they started experimenting with drinking or drugs? I have always liked to think that I created an environment where my kids could feel safe talking to me about anything, but I still really wasn’t aware where certain pressure points were coming from in their lives that were causing them to feel angry or stressed or worried. I think that is absolutely the most important thing to do - try to identify where they feel stressed.
- Male prefrontal cortexes do not finish development until somewhere between the ages of 26 and 30 (pretty horrifying!). That means that their decision-making at 15 is largely driven by short-term impulses and desires, and rational thought on why something is not the right thing to do comes in way behind. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but I found that even talking to my boys about that made them think and sometimes even say to themselves, I need to stop myself from this impulsive behavior.
- We ultimately found a therapist for my 18-year-old to talk to for a while a couple of years ago, which was helpful to him. We asked that therapist to focus on giving him the tools he needed to be able to express his feelings in a healthier way, so that we could work through things. It certainly helped at home, and he has actually found those tools to be very helpful now that he’s away at college and navigating a very different social environment. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a therapist, but another trusted adult who is trained to help them articulate their feelings in a healthy way and develop a skill set for conflict resolution or general areas of concern can play that role.
- Really creating an open door policy and making it clear that you will hear them with an open mind makes a huge difference. It definitely didn’t happen every time that they could have, but my 15-year old did something stupid only a week ago and felt comfortable coming to me and telling me everything. Then his brother away at college asked if he could call me for advice about a situation with a friend where he thought he messed up. It takes a while to build trust - and it did not mean that there are no consequences in our house for big mistakes - but start that now if you haven’t already.
- Lastly, let them know what your expectations are of them. Even where we allowed mistakes and acknowledged how hard it is to be a teenager, we still set expectations of being kind, respectful, and doing their best in school. Teenagers do look to us for guidance, even where they roll their eyes, and they want to know what’s expected of them.
Well, I was a kid in the 80s, too (not sure if that is the same as “from the 80s), and I know therapy is a great vehicle that can really help. Once I dug into what was going on with my son and how stressed out he was about really legitimate problems, I found him a therapist who he saw for about three months. He learned from her enough to feel like he could stop going and has been, thankfully, in a good place since. You are welcome to teach your kid to suck it up, though I personally find that to be unempathetic and not as helpful to their future selves - that approach is just not remotely my style.
My son is almost 17 and I had similar problems w him at 15, and I was spending very late nights at my firm. I hope the below provides some guidance for you.
I would recommend sending a confidential email to your son’s guidance counselor and ask him or her to intervene. My son has tremendous respect for his guidance counselor, and one reason is because he reached out to my son and said he “recognized” (albeit as a result of a confidential email from me requesting same) a change in my son’s behavior. He literally told my son that he had a lot of chips on the table and didn’t want to see him going down the path he was heading toward, and asked him what was going on. This meeting spoke volumes to a 15 year old who was apparently looking for attention and direction, and was going through some other things he didn’t want to talk about at home. (As an aside, you can also reached out to a favorite teacher you know your son has a relationship with, it does not have to be the guidance counselor).
As the parent, I wish the attention and direction for my son came from me. My son’s guidance counselor till this day assures me that any discourse between me and my son on the subject of his behavior and school troubles would have led to conflict, and involving him (the counselor) was the right path. This counselor reminded me that at age 15 young adults ignore their parents, but will hear the same words and actually listen to a different authority figure. In that initial confidential email to the guidance counselor, I advised that after the first meeting or two w my son, I was to be called into school with a joint meeting with all 3 of us b/c I wanted to be involved in the process, but with the guidance counselor still taking the lead.
My son is a Jr. now and his guidance counselor is an integral part of his HS career and success. I can also say I am more involved as well, which has also had a positive impact on my son.
15 is a tough time for even the best well-rounded teen. With not much detail to work with, the best advice I can give you is to sit down with the boy and tell him that he is becoming a man now and one thing a man has to do is take responsibility for his actions and not require constant supervision. Tell him you need to trust that he will do his job -- do well in school -- just as you are expected to do well in your job. If he is acting out because he feels neglected at home, you may need to negotiate a settlement that you promise to be home more often if he promises the same. Establish a "movie night" either during the week or on the weekend. Let him pick what to have for dinner on one night and have him help prepare it. Get him involved in the family and make sure the family is involved in him. I certainly don't want to add stress where none should be, but if you had to choose between losing your job or losing your son, which would you choose?
I'd sit and talk with him first. Make sure that it's a calm no judgement environment. And just see what's going on. From there, I'd try to make more time. There's simply no excuses here. You'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't spend more time with your son at this critical moment in his life. He might simply need you to be there for him. Or maybe he needs some direction. You're his parent. Be there.
Maybe he doesn’t have a good father role model. Might be rebelling to get his attention.
Fathers need to spend time with their sons
Honestly I have had the same issues with my older kids. I feel like part of it is their generation and what they are learning on TV and from their peers. I have had conversations with them about their behavior and its improved somewhat.