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You’re in for a wild ride. Though never diagnosed, my grandmother and mom both showed clear signs of this, and I had an abusive ex with diagnosed borderline (BPD) and bipolar. Sorry for the length of this post, but here’s everything I wish someone had told me:
As you read up on this some more and begin unpacking your childhood, you’re going to start questioning everything about the way you grew up and even your own personality. I went through a stage where I wondered if I was quiet and a people pleaser naturally or if it was a defense tactic learned from childhood that then got me into situations like that with my ex.
The best thing you can do is be open to it and have a strong support system. Help you SIL if you can because I guarantee she is terrified and isolated.
Get her and the baby out safely. I’m not a professional or expert, but she needs separate bank accounts, a safe place to stay that your brother does not know and a shit ton of therapy.
He may not be physically abusive now, but all it takes is one too many drinks and it turns that way. The emotions that drive that are already there.
Do not let him or your mother fool you into thinking they’re cured. It’s damn near impossible to cure a personality disorder, but they will do everything in their power to make you think so because no-contact doesn’t serve their needs.
Be prepared for theatrics, gaslighting and some of the most skillful manipulation on the face of the earth when your SIL disappears.
The important thing: Set clear boundaries. You cannot control their behavior, but you can always walk away. Resist the urge to prove that you’re right in an argument - just gently and firmly let them know that you’re done talking.
Finally, encourage them to seek therapy. NPDs, BPDs and all the others are not inherently bad people. This is usually brought on by a combination of genetics and traumatic childhood experiences. They are worthy of love, but not at the expense of your personal safety or sanity.
Feel free to DM me if you need support. Or I recommend checking out the raisedbynarcissists subreddit.
Also, you are not now nor were you EVER a bad daughter or person.
You are not a bad person.
Idk if you needed to hear that but I know I did. Knowing my parent was a narcissist and literally incapable of empathy was the first time I started to believe it. Sending love.
Um yes. You should come from a place of empathy, but when you’re working with NPD’s, they might try to use your empathy to manipulate you into doing what they want. NPD’s are not “average parent damaging” which can be hard for those not acquainted with it to understand. NPD can go from zero to police & psych ward (not exaggerating - been there done that) in a matter of minutes if not in therapy and on proper medication. I don’t know your situation, but you can’t let too much empathy hold you hostage as you were likely raised to do. The physical and emotional safety of your niece or nephew (and your own for that matter) needs to come before forgiveness.
I really feel for you and your situation. I know my advice can sound alarmist and scary - and maybe it will never get to that. But you need to assume it could.
You’re awake to it now. And while the next few weeks or months may be hell, you’re going to come out stronger. Probably with a better sense of self than the average person because you took the time to consciously investigate who you are and break your family’s cycle. You’re a good person doing a difficult thing.
Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Don’t blame yourself.
Sending good vibes.
Hugs.
Thank you
I realized this almost exactly a year ago when I was 30. Knowing this changed my whole life. I listened to as many podcasts as I could about it. There are particularly books about the mother daughter dynamic that might help. I had similar revelations to the ones you listed. I have boundaries with my mom now that feel safe and keep the right amount of distance. I personally don’t know if I could put myself in the fray with a narcissist which is what it seems like you’re describing in starting to tango with your brother. I would consult a therapist who is a specialist in NPD about how to help your sister in law but as someone who also has experience helping women leaving tough situations, the big thing is that they must feel supported and secure enough to leave. I wouldn’t bombard her with too much information but I would try to share some resources with her. Maybe the grey rock method. What women who really want to leave seem to need the most is assurance of a safe place for them and their kids to go and some kind of financial support if they don’t have any without the abusive partner. It’s been my experience that Narcissists can’t change. They can’t be called on the mat for it. They won’t be. They will always make themselves the victim. It’s a waste of time and heartache. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s a tough enough process alone🖤
It is an easy moment to get to blame right now. Try hard to come from a place of empathy and understanding. At the root of allllll of this, there is pain. I think some disorders are chemical but some are circumstantial. I think a lot of moms have really tough times and it turns into a depression which turns into other things as a measure of defense or protection. Or they default to what they learned from dysfunctional homes growing up (the abused become abusers). You now knowing all this can be a major turning point for the family. Not to put pressure on you but to give you hope. As a mother of two small ones, I can tell you that motherhood has changed me... sometimes for the worse. The pressure to be innately a good, caring, unconditionally nurturing mother gets to me sometimes. And the superficial advice to have some “self care” in my life often becomes a quest to be selfish. It’s a constant struggle. Your mom experienced that to an extreme. Love yourself, embrace your past, love on your brother and mother and hopefully this ends with you. Praying for your strength and wisdom and patience as you go through this journey
Agree with Senior Strategist 1 & Chemistry 1 - you are absolutely not a bad person, and you’re willingly jumping in to find a way to support other family members. If you need reassurance, try (if possible) reading back your posts as if it’s someone else writing. You have a big heart. You’ve already done a lot for your SIL, even if you don’t see it - opening text communications with her and arranging to meet provides her a safe outlet outside the situation, someone she can talk to. I don’t think the most important aspect of that is for you to give her advice or a ‘path’, in fact I’d suggest you don’t. Keep listening, keep building that trust with her, so she knows she’s got you and that safe space behind her when it comes to her options/decision. You’re a good person, and she’s lucky to have you in this.
Isn’t it such a revelation? Its wonderful you’ve figured this out while you’re so young. Both of my parents were hard core narcissists and I’m only now, in my late 40s, seeing how traumatic this was. Now that my parents have both passed, the damage done to me and my siblings is so obvious and just sad. My sisters see me as the problem for everything. This scapegoat role spilled over into every job I’ve had. I am also convinced I am a horrible and bad person but I’m doing my best to reclaim my life. Awareness is key, therapy is key, and having boundaries is number one. I am rooting for you, and am happy to be part of your virtual support system if you ever need to share or vent.
(Cont.) ever since the birth of their baby 4 months ago. I had NO idea, but she’s been seeing a therapist who also identified the behavior as narcissistic personality disorder. She msg’d me tonight wanting to leave him cause he’s been so horrible to her and the baby. I have no ties to my bro (we were raised to basically hate each other, it’s a part of narcissistic parenting) but I also don’t know how to safely be there for her. My mind is blown and my whole sense of self is shot. Pls discuss...
Thank you everyone! This is all extremely helpful!!