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Anyone in dc? Let’s get fucked up
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Thoughts on living in Newport/waterfront JC?
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An idea, ask him to share his location for a few hours so you can check yourself that he got home. My SO and I use it if we’re meeting up with each other so we can check ETA, I know some people leave it on all the time. Maybe a use case for nights he’s out late so you don’t worry?
A slippery slope for some, but my SO and I share location services. I’m in a similar boat to OP— I’m asian and have been mugged many times, which among other experiences has gifted me with PSTD, severe anxiety and panic disorder (for the record, all of this has occurred before the “current context”, so no, it’s not a “short term” problem, it was just underreported before). It gives me peace of mind to know that I can check on them without interrupting, particularly on long drives for work.
However, I have and will never use this tool to interrogate or start an argument. We have a healthy, secure relationship without trust issues, which is a prerequisite—it’s never crossed my mind that they’re doing anything shady. It’s strictly for my own peace of mind so I don’t spiral, and my SO was kind enough to suggest it for me to feel safe.
Definitely can be toxic or invasive for some, so I probably wouldn’t recommend it for everyone nor as a first resort and maybe not brought up in direct response to OP’s current situation.
Rising Star
I’ve been dating my GF for four years. I love her. But I would hate feeling like I have to check in with her when I’m out with my friends knowing if I don’t I’m in trouble.
IMO, you’re in the wrong here. He’s a 31 year old man seeing friends, not a 15 boy...I don’t think you were justified in being terribly concerned and calling all of his roommates to check in on him just because he didn’t text you back
I think it’s a bit of a stretch to think “he passed out and didn’t text and let me know I shouldn’t wait up” is the same as “he wouldn’t be there for me if I was in the ER late one night.” The reach is in the latter you’re thinking he would willingly go to sleep knowing you’re hurt. I’m a woman and many of my friends tell me to text them when they get home and there have been instances where I simply forgot because I was too tired and passed out accidentally. You can have a serious conversation and maybe he can do a better job reminding you next time but in no way is him forgetting to text back once a reflection of him not being there for you when you will need him.
The only concern is if you expect him to wait up all night every time you’re out late. If this is a once in a blue moon type of thing that may make sense but as someone who goes to bed at 10pm I think it’s a bit overkill if you’re expecting this just out of pure anxiety on your part.
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Thanks, I think you nailed on my query. This was brought up because there had been instances before where he was out late and either lost his belongings or he almost got lost coming back home. Definitely wouldn’t want him or myself having to wait all night all the time!
Do some self discovery and try to find out what part is trust and what part is being worried?
I mean, he hung out with friends so if anything bad happened someone would have let you know. 🙃
Next time, tell him "I talk to you tomorrow or let me know if you want me to pick you up somewhere and I got you. "
Trust that he will be fine and that he won't do anything stupid.
Something is missing from this, it’s not natural to immediately jump to “someone’s in the hospital”. You’ve got some serious mistrust with this man, or anxiety over a experience you’ve had and are projecting. I hate to say it, but this feels like something someone who’s been cheated on before would do, and is using the ER thing as a guise for the real concern.
Rising Star
I agree. My mom has ptsd from the way my dad was killed/died and this has the same reactions. After a while it’s really hyperbole and controlling/manipulative.
Rising Star
I think you’re overanalyzing this. He passed out. If he’s drinking he’s not always going to remember to text you back, that’s just life. If you feel unsafe when you’re walking, I would hope you could text him and say hey if you don’t hear from me when I get home please check on me or get on the phone and talk to him on your way home. I don’t think staying awake until his or your arrival is any indication he wouldn’t be there for you if an emergency actually happened. People interpret daily risk differently. I think you should figure out how you can tone down your worries or perhaps talk to a therapist about why this seems to scare you so much.
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I think the source of my underlying concerns has to do with a couple factors - a) we are both Asians and the rate of crimes targeting AAPIs have been such a huge concern; b) i once got mugged before after a nightout without any alcohol. So maybe I’m reflecting my experience to him
Pro
I wouldn’t expect my partner to be present in the way that you say. I wouldn’t love it if he was passing out every weekend but that’s more of an alcohol concern issue than being available to take care of me.
Eh...He did say he would text, and he didn’t. So yeah I’d be a little annoyed. He should set better expectations next time...say hey it’s gonna be a ranger and not to wait up. However, you also should probably ease up on the expectation that he should text you when he gets home.
You’re still early 30s so passing out i guess comes with the territory. If he were late 30s and this were still a regular occurrence, heck if this were a regular occurrence at your age, I’d probably be having a different conversation.
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Thank you for your compassion and empathy. Yeah I think initially your first point is how I felt until we eventually settled on it.
I am you OP! A large part of my life revolves around our relationship, my partner and their well being. Unfortunately that is not really cared for of wanted by some. Just find the right person who’ll appreciate the care and concern.
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Nor should he wait that late night if I were to be late out with my friends. I’m concerned about this statement because I really want my SO to be the type of person to be there for me if I were to be at an ER late at night (or whatever emergency), and I do the same. So what he says seem to go against this.. I know this is a different opinion, but am I stretching this out? Or am I right to be concerned about what my SO says?
Rising Star
32M here.
Tbh, this is hovering behavior I would expect from my mom. Not the best route.
Although he could have said he’ll be back late, don’t wait up.
Then again, he’s a big man and can handle himself.
Chief
Did you think he was cheating?
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Nope
If he’s often getting so drunk he loses his belongings / gets lost… the issue may not be whether he’s reneging on commitments, but whether he’s partying a little too hard & irresponsibly, and a little too dependent on booze to have a good time.
Speaking for myself, I wouldn’t want that from an SO.
Honestly I don’t think you’re in the wrong at all... it’s New York City. Anything can happen to ANYONE at any point of the day or night. There’s no guarantees so I don’t think it’s wrong to want confirmation that someone is okay. You’re looking out for him not babying him. My bf and I just started sharing our locations so we could go to bed feeling like the other was safe.
OP, me and my SO are same ages as you guys. When my guy is away on a buddy drinking type trip, I generally ask him to send an xo or heart at night so I know he at least has some wherewithal! lolz He is kind and humors me. I get the worry, my guy has some serious former frat-star stories (and a scar on his head to prove it!) but ultimately it’s your own responsibility to try to calm yourself. 99% chance he is ok. If you are not already, make sure you are framing it like this to him—nice of him to text but not an obligation.