My coworker wants to hang out just us and has been texting me while I’ve been on a leave of absence (nothing sexual), but I’m questioning his motives a little and know he’s married. He has mentioned his wife before, but that doesn’t mean he has only friendship motives.
I’d be absolutely cool with friendship, but I want to nip this in the bud if he wants anything more. Am I too cynical/jumping to conclusions? How should I sus out intentions delicately?

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I just realized I may very well regret asking for legit advice in this bowl 😂

funnylike

Difficult to say. Maybe keep things during the day, coffees or lunches for a while. If he suddenly drives to push them to late night dinners or bars instead, might be an indication of different intent?

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Let’s be clear here. You don’t owe him any response to his actions, if you want to go to a bar, throw 20 shots back and go home alone. That’s up to you. You are not leading him on for going to a bar, he gets whatever you want to give him and nothing more.

So if you choose to go to a bar, just have in the back of your head that he may be thinking it’s something more, but you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do it.

Consent only to what you want, not what he wants.

helpful

Very simple: just ask him if his wife knows he will be seeing you alone at XYZ place, and whatever is going on at the other end will be revealed.

likehelpful

Maybe another possible solution is to say “Is it alright if I bring a date along? You can come with your plus 1 too. Should be fun.” I don’t know - I’m a lot more direct, haven’t gotten into this kind of gaslighting problem yet, knock on wood.

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Follow your gut! It’s okay that you’re trying to find good reasons for his actions other than him trying to get inside your pants, noble even. I would go so far as saying his intent may be good if you’re that close such as a mentor-mentee relationship. But as a guy, I wouldn’t ask to hang out with a coworker alone if I had no ulterior motives.

To answer your question - Ask him if his wife knows he’s asking to meet another woman alone.

likesmart

I love my co workers and I ask both my male and female coworkers to hang out with them tbf. So honestly I’d say it depends on your relationship with them really. In fact I’ve even asked my bosses our for a drink or for a steak

helpful

Introduce someone as your boyfriend!!

likehelpful

Small possibility of an open marriage?

funny

Obviously likes you, Jesus woman come on…

funny

Can you send me the coordinates please?

He’s trying to beat. If you are not interested in a relationship with a married man do not hang out with him outside of work.

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I have some friends I could recruit for that duty 😏Or at least say: ‘hey, mind if I bring my buddy [male name] along?’

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I’d respond “I would totally love to hand with you and [INSERT WIFE’S NAME HERE]. You guys let me know when!”

likefunny

Hahahah tempting, maybe if I have enough drinks I’d send this

If he calls you his work wife...
Run

funny

Lol not that person

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Ask him to include his wife. Say you would love to meet her.

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We’re not that close or I would

You’re on leave. Ignore his calls and messages. Or give short responses like - thanks for the invite, but I’m on leave till …

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Yeah, this is why I’m frustrated. At first it was genuine care for my well-being, now it’s beyond that.

OP you could do any of the following, invite others from the team to join as well, then if he doesn’t want that it forces him to say why he doesn’t before you can be accused of jumping to conclusions, or keep it to a daytime activity one on one but don’t text him regularly afterwards and keep it very professional in conversation, or just make an excuse not to go.

I can’t invite others from the team. I can’t tell if he’s just nosey about my leave because I’ve kept it close to my chest or if he is trying to build a relationship to eventually make a move.

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