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I’d have a hard time with supporting someone through school for them to stop working immediately after and stay at home. I’m a woman and I get the stay at home appeal, but in a family I’m also a member of a team.
A6 a even with a degree not having work experience, going to work after 5 years post education will be really hard to break into. There will be no “skills” learned. I know raising a child is hard work and tons a value but the workforce doesn’t give you credit for that. May be better of returning to school to finish a year or two before the intended career start. Why spend it now?
There are so many factors that go into a family’s decision to have one parent stay home vs working. First, in a partnership something like this isn’t just one party’s decision - you both have to objectively evaluate what would be best for your family. Some things I would think about:
- What’s the differential between her potential salary and the cost of childcare? Ie how much $$ are you sacrificing or benefitting from this decision?
- How close is free childcare? Your parents or her parents primarily. The cost of childcare can be reduced and grandparents get valuable time with their grandkids at the same time.
- Is she likely to miss the intellectual challenge of working? Being a stay at home mom is NOT a cakewalk. The stressors change but don’t go away.
- If you do decide to take this route, you’ll need really good communication skills to discuss both of your expectations and any issues that come up along the way. Is she also responsible for all cleaning, negating the need for help in this area? What are your expectations for ‘having dinner on the table’? What happens if you start resenting her freedom and she starts resenting the fact that that you get to leave the house without kids?
- Finally, staying at home can be great for kids. It sounds like you don’t already have them, though. How close in age your kids are can have an impact of the efficacy of this decision. If you’re going to plan for this, think about elements like this as well. Good luck!
wow, you are quite established in life. I can't even figure out dinner with my wife
Be supportive. I’m in this exact situation. My wife got her MBA and afterwards she decided to stay at home with our newborn (now 8 month). For me, I make enough to support us both and factoring in cost of daycare I think we’d likely be close to break even, even if she did work. There’s also a peace of mind knowing your wife is at home with your child rather than with a stranger somewhere. She still talks about wanting go back to work but I’m okay with where we are for the time being
M4 - 😂😂 that cannot be unread
I'm a consultant married to a stay at home dad. Him staying home enables my career. There's no way I could do this lifestyle if he worked. He in no way has to earn the worth of his degree in the labor market. He has to contribute to the household. Fair contribution to family does not mean the same contribution from each partner.
I was going to write a snarky comment about my stay at home wife’s responsibilities including going to Orange Theory and making sure two able-bodied, high-performing teenagers don’t die. But instead, I will try to share my POV in a constructive manner.
The consulting lifestyle is very hard. The families that make it work tend to be fairly unique in their ability to deal with stress and ambiguity. For these reasons, it’s very nice to have a stay at home parent or at least a parent with a less stressful job. Having a stay at home mom has given my kids a depth of nurturing that I simply did not have as a “latch key kid”, with two working parents. Also,if you think consulting is hard, try being a single parent for 4 days a week AND working 40 hours a week. It’s BRUTAL.
On the other hand, once kids reach 5, 7, 10, etc. they become much more self sufficient and simply need less care. For this reason + the benefits of having a dual income, going back to work makes more sense than exiting the workforce at age 25 or 30.
For me, it is difficult to support my wife’s decision to continue to stay at home, now that our kids are teenagers. While I see the benefits it brings to me and our family (e.g. I do NOTHING to maintain outer house or family life), I am not sure they are worth the cost, in simple financial terms.
So, my advice to you is to make a financial model of the costs and benefits of staying at home vs. working, including the time *required* to take care of the children. Once you make a few charts, it will be easier for you to see where the inflection point in value is for you, your wife, and your family as a whole.
My wife chose to stay at home from the time we had our first child. Financially, we're comfortable but not rich. But we absolutely made the right decision! I am sure that most of the problems in the US can be traced to a breakdown of the traditional family! Mom's are most important to the stability of our society. And while it's not 100% true it's at least 90% true that women are better nurtures than father's (very controversial view, I know. The old saying that the mothers hand that rocks the cradle rules the world is absolutely true!). And in that 10% where the father is the better nurturer, he should stay home. And while I'm being controversial, I think history bears out that kids need a father and a mother!
By school do you mean high school? If so, then let her finish. Everyone deserves a high school education, stay at home mom or otherwise
Wow. Funny. 😑
Make sure you become a very senior partner
Get a vasectomy.
What’s the point of skoo then
Surprised no one has made this comment yet.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2019/04/26/upshot/women-long-hours-greedy-professions.amp.html talks about long hours as well as the payoff for the couple for someone to stay at home.
That being said, imo, lots of factors to consider beyond money, including mental and emotional well-being
That’s crazy
I read through the responses and there are some very good arguments for both sides, totally get why she’d want to finish. Ultimately though I think going to school and immediately not utilizing the degree pretty silly.
Second that
My wife works as a physician and loves her job, but her co-resident was/is in a similar situation to this. Him and his wife married in medical school, the wife got pregnant in their last year of medical school and she decided not to residency and be a stay at home mom. It was a real struggle for them, but he's now doing cardiology and they're fine. It still doesn't make sense how someone can go through 4 years of undergrad at a prestigious institution, than do another 4 years of medical school also at a prestigious school, and than be a stay at home mom.
As a child of two physicians who ended up in this EXACT situation and I’m the said child they got pregnant with, every part of me is so grateful and aware of the sacrifices they both made to make a household dynamic for me and my siblings filled with love, care and nurturing. It’s painful to see all these posts about how and what you all think a woman should do or that her education is a waste if she chooses to stay at home. My mom is my hero and the smartest most intelligent person I know and her going to medical school and then not doing residency was one of her toughest life choices but it’s because of all of that she was able to help us through so much when we went through school and pursued our passions and careers. And FYI, my brother and I are both successful and independent now and she’s kicking ass in a residency program
Wow reading all this makes me feel really lucky. Wife has a part time job that fulfills her, and I work a limited schedule.. and we have a full time nanny. We don’t even make all that much $$ but just have chosen to live well beneath our means in terms of housing and cars. We have time for the kids, each other, our selves, and plenty of help. I would suggest doing some planning to see if you can reduce schedules and expenses so that both can work and feel fulfilled while spending time with the family regularly. This is truly one of the benefits of working in a high wage profession. Scale back a bit and enjoy your life
Is your desire for your wife to work purely driven by money? Is it because you want to avoid being on the hook 100% for income? Or is it more about judging her desire not to go to work? If financial... what if her entire paycheck goes to child care? What’s the benefit of working in that case? A lot to consider here.
I’m a mom with two very young kids and a husband who also works. I am the primary breadwinner but husband still makes more than the cost of a very nice preschool/daycare for both children. I’ll admit that 99% of my male colleague parents have stay at home wives which on the surface seems so much easier for them. I can easily admit that if I didn’t have to work I would absolutely be home with my kids but that’s not the case. If my husband and I didn’t have a lot of help from grandparents in getting kids to school, someone to help with cleaning, grocery delivery, etc... I don’t think we’d be able to do it. I’d suggest making a list of the costs of both options as well as benefits as others have said and look at this as both a financial decision and one for your relationship and family. I can also honestly share that full time daycare and preschool has been awesome for my kids in terms of learning and socializing but I worry about that as they get to grade school and will need to be in after school programs. This is not an easy decision. As you go through it, please continue to be supportive of your wife... being a stay at home mom is a full time job.
I’ve been married 44 years and I’ll give you one piece of advice happy wife happy life😎😎😎
☝🏻This.. 1000000% correct.
Did you know she wanted to be a stay at home mom prior to getting married? When my wife and I were dating, she told me she wanted to be a stay at home mom because she felt that it was important for the kids’ development. That sealed the deal for me. Been married 22 years now and have 4 kids. She recently started working again, but only because the kids are old enough to not require as much support.
Yes it is, and it’s an awesome job.
My mom received her MD and just a few years later had my brother. This was in the 80s. She actually took 10 years off to stay at home with me and my brother because of personal decisions. Because she had the degree she had, she actually went back to work after that time (and still works today) and was a very competitive resource in her field because of her training and experience. I think it’s a bit quick to assume that just because you or someone you know takes time dedicated to their family means that they won’t have anything to contribute down the road and that a higher education is not necessary or appropriate because they want to have children.
The above commentary is in response not to OP but to other posters here regarding education and motherhood/fatherhood.
OP - I would echo the others in questioning the reason why you want her to work?
My wife stays at home. She wanted to use her education to raise our kids. Early on it was tough financially but as I have moved up and as we’ve gotten used to it, we’re both glad. At the end of the day, if this is what she wants and you can make ends meet, do it. If she wants to go back to work later, I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Not sure why everyone’s response is so complicated here.