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I’d have a hard time with supporting someone through school for them to stop working immediately after and stay at home. I’m a woman and I get the stay at home appeal, but in a family I’m also a member of a team.
A6 a even with a degree not having work experience, going to work after 5 years post education will be really hard to break into. There will be no “skills” learned. I know raising a child is hard work and tons a value but the workforce doesn’t give you credit for that. May be better of returning to school to finish a year or two before the intended career start. Why spend it now?
There are so many factors that go into a family’s decision to have one parent stay home vs working. First, in a partnership something like this isn’t just one party’s decision - you both have to objectively evaluate what would be best for your family. Some things I would think about:
- What’s the differential between her potential salary and the cost of childcare? Ie how much $$ are you sacrificing or benefitting from this decision?
- How close is free childcare? Your parents or her parents primarily. The cost of childcare can be reduced and grandparents get valuable time with their grandkids at the same time.
- Is she likely to miss the intellectual challenge of working? Being a stay at home mom is NOT a cakewalk. The stressors change but don’t go away.
- If you do decide to take this route, you’ll need really good communication skills to discuss both of your expectations and any issues that come up along the way. Is she also responsible for all cleaning, negating the need for help in this area? What are your expectations for ‘having dinner on the table’? What happens if you start resenting her freedom and she starts resenting the fact that that you get to leave the house without kids?
- Finally, staying at home can be great for kids. It sounds like you don’t already have them, though. How close in age your kids are can have an impact of the efficacy of this decision. If you’re going to plan for this, think about elements like this as well. Good luck!
wow, you are quite established in life. I can't even figure out dinner with my wife
Do you already have kids? When do you plan to have kids and how might you adjust if things don't go according to your plan? What is she studying and what degree is she getting? What would her career path be and would it offset the cost of childcare? What extra help would your family need if she were working full time, you were traveling, and you had a kid or two at home? Could you afford nanny/daycare/babysitters/household help?
I’d suggest trying to find someone at your place of employment that has been what you have been/going through, as close as possible, and have them as a mentor for “family/work life balance”.
One of the first pieces of advice I received was from a coworker leaving the industry after 25 years, 3 marriages, and 4 kids with a non-existence father relationship. He told me to “find someone, or two, that had been successful in marriage, parenthood, work, and life to be your ‘work/lifestyle’ mentor.”
I found two guys who had successfully raised a family, stayed married to the same women, and been successful in their careers and life and asked if I could just hit them up as needed to ask for advice on family, work, life balance issues. Both were more than willing and we have all become great friends over the years. I’ve received so much great advice from them and I honestly owe my longevity, in the industry, to them.
CDK1: that is so wonderful you were able to find people willing to help & give advice! And make good friends from it.
Stay at home parents are under valued, but here’s an article that put a number to it
http://www.businessinsider.com/value-of-stay-at-home-moms-2013-5
Also, I am a child of both parents who worked and were very successful, and that allowed my brother and I many opportunities. However, there are many years of therapy and emotional absence that no fancy toy or straight A report card can heal or take back. Studies have shown time and time again that having a parent PRESENT and engaged is invaluable and does wonders for the emotional and mental well being of children & how they grow into adulthood
When we first had kids, wife and I were at separate Big4s and about the same level. She wanted to stay at home after our first daughter was born but once we talked through it, she decided to take a year off instead and reevaluate at the end. Her firm was very supportive of this.
At the end of the year, we discovered that we were going to be parents to a second daughter ;)
She went back to work and decided to take another 4 months off after our second daughter was born. The firm was very supportive a second time.
During the course of all this, we discovered that we could trust others with the care of our children - we had a super awesome nanny and grand parents on both sides stepped up big time.
In the end, my wife decided to go back to work as an investment into her career with the ability to re-evaluate her decision every three months.
Several years later, we do not regret the path we took.
Key is to think what can get you through the next 3 months and replan at the end of that time.
Be biased towards investing in her career and her future. Life is unpredictable and you never know the circumstances she may have to face. A woman who is doing well in her career will have the confidence to make tough choices.
Support her choices even if they appear leas than pragmatic.
Good luck!
I think a lot has to do with job opportunities. If your wife has a degree that doesn’t lead to a high paying career, could make sense to stay home.
In my case my wife is a teacher and the economics of child care + her preference be with our young kids made her quitting working a no brainer financially.
If you don’t have kids yet, I’d encourage your wife to explore job opportunities now. Seems crazy to give up on a career before it’s even started!
what happens if you get hurt and can't work anymore and will need to rely on your wife for income but she can't get a job because she doesn't have an education?
My mom worked just a few years after college before becoming a stay a home mom. I’m sure she was grateful to have that degree several years ago when she was widowed and was able to get an office job (not a career track, but a job) requiring a college degree. Much better than working in retail or something. You never know where life will take you.
I know degrees are more expensive now than they were then, but that doesn’t change my opinion on this.
What type of school are we talking about (high school/college/gad school) and does she need to take on debt to fund her education?
Undergrad or grad? If undergrad, weigh the financials. If grad, why the heck did she go back to school and accumulate more debt to do nothing with it???
Damn. So many people in here equating happiness, fulfillment, and success with dollar bills. This really is America.
‘Murica
Let your wife do what she wants and make it work no matter what. Have seen the husband’s way or the highway movie before... not good
A lot of great advice, thank you to everyone. This post has really blown up. It is an extremely interesting conversation.
Why do you want her to work? Is it because things will be tight on just your salary?
Is she taking on massive loans (assume college)? IMO that would be unfair to you that she takes on loans and does not work to help pay them off. I cannot imagine not working, racking up $110k in student loans (true story) and then expecting my husband to pay it off. But everyone’s situation is different and it seems like you have concerns with her staying at home. A frank discussion is what you both need. Lay out your reasons and talk about it. Talk about why each of you believe you want to do what you want to do. Figure out how to make that work after understanding both sides and what that financially means for your lifestyle and hers. Maybe she’ll have a change of heart. Maybe you will but you never know until it’s all awkwardly on the table. Won’t be an easy talk but you need it.
Agreed that if she took on loans, she should work to pay them off at least.
Hopefully she is on a scholarship, receives grants, or has rich parents because student loans are not going to disappear just because she decides not to work. It would be unfair to for her to expect you to pay them on her behalf as well.
There’s a lot of additional information missing here, but there’s been some miscommunication between you that’s for sure. My husband and I missed a couple of conversations while we were dating, but kids was not one of them. We knew exactly how we both felt and were on the same page. After being married a few years, I did kind of want another child, but ultimately squashed it because it would not have been the right thing to do for us. Can’t say if your wife changed her mind or if the conversation never happened, but hopefully you both can get to a common ground on this.
My fiancé’s mom worked part time doing accounting while her husband worked full time in accounting. It has worked very well for them and as the kids got older she worked a little more and started a small charity business. She is now able to help with our baby, so its working out for us as well :)
Ditto. Break out Excel and figure out what makes sense
My husband decided to stay home with our kids with an expectation that he would go back to work at least part time when they went to school. That never happened, they're now adults and I'm resentful.
pwc8, that sucks. hopefully you can be honest with him about these feelings and can work it out. if not, maybe consider seeking out couples therapy, guessing this issue would be a starting point.
I’d never support my wife being a stay at home parent. My wife is pregnant right now with our first and she is two semesters away from finishing nursing school.
In our case, my family lives close by and my mother is more than willing to help care for our baby while my wife and I would be at work. But even if we didn’t have family close by, and we had to pay for day care, the kids will grow up eventually. If my wife were to stay home, that is work experience that she isn’t getting that will be valuable in the future.
My mom was the breadwinner in my family and I’ve always thought that was awesome seeing her as a role model growing up. Agree that so long as you both have been clear on your wants and have agreed to it I see no issues. Obviously sometimes life will throw you into loops but ultimately what will make/break you guys is honest communication or lack thereof. Fully support your view A11 and think it’s great!
My wife stays home with our kids...there are times that I wish she was working but there are other things she does to fulfill herself and the education and care that my kids get from the mom is a thousand times better than any day care could do.
That and I’ve read too many stories lately of somebody who dropped their kids off at day care and then something horrible happened to the child while there.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/kfor.com/2019/04/29/parents-demand-answers-after-1-year-old-leaves-day-care-covered-in-bite-marks/amp/
There is no money in the world that we could make with both of us working that would make something like this not a big deal.
My wife has been a stay at home spouse. Looking to get back into the work force but hard with a ten year gap of work experience and tech has advanced several generations. Not easy to return for what it is worth