{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Opinions Wanted\n\nMy Dad passed away recently and my Mom finally heard back on the value of his Deloitte pension. Around 350k.\n\nCombined with life insurance and retirement this puts my Mom in a much more comfortable position than she was expecting and mentioned she wants to use some of the money to pay down my siblings and my remaining student loan debt as she holds a lot of guilt that we had to take loans at all. Between 25-50k for each of us.\n\nWould you take the money?", "post_id": "609160844ee1bb001cd9fa0f", "reply_count": 50, "vote_count": 11, "bowl_id": "5e6fe1c31f5e51001d267e46", "bowl_name": "Coronavirus Work-life" }

Opinions Wanted My Dad passed away recently and my Mom finally heard back on the value of his Deloitte pension. Around 350k. Combined with life insurance and retirement this puts my Mom in a much more comfortable position than she was expecting and mentioned she wants to use some of the money to pay down my siblings and my remaining student loan debt as she holds a lot of guilt that we had to take loans at all. Between 25-50k for each of us. Would you take the money?

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I would really pay close attention to how this would make her feel. Would she truly have a sense of relief knowing this helped your debt? If it would really make her feel positively, I would do it. If you sense she feels she has to than I wouldn’t. But I would not diminish how this may make her feel useful or like she is giving- she’s lost her main outlet for giving love and care. This may sooth that pain.

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@OP then I would lean towards taking it. There’s a lot of emotional weight in this. Self comparison, family expectations, loss of her primary role as a career/giver. I would recommend doing anything and everything that will make her feel better and useful, this included.

If she has her own retirement account plus life insurance then I think she has enough on her own to be able to do this with his retirement account funds. I have strict instructions that my retirement account be split between my kids upon my death. I have a lot of regret that due to my student debt I couldn’t save up enough for my daughters, if I die I would absolutely love for them to be in a better position. My husband has my life insurance and his own retirement plus social security (if that’s still a thing). My grandmother recently passed and she had instructions that her remaining retirement account funds be split between the granddaughters (theres 5 of us).

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That’s generous of her. I would urge her to not make any big financial decisions for a year. The haze of grief leads people to make decisions they might regret— especially if she needs this money to survive.

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The point is tell her you want her to wait for at least six months before she does anything. It will help her think more clearly and if she still wants to then go ahead and accept it. If she doesn’t wait she may regret it in 5 months and you will be in a tough spot.

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Tell her you’ll feel comfortable taking from her in the future if you need it but not right now. No way in hell I’d take money from my parents if I had a six figure job unless there were extenuating circumstances

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So I'd do this, because my siblings could use the money much more than I do. With that said, I'd suggest a flat $ amount each (e.g., $15k) and to place it in a savings or other low risk account for you and whichever sibling doesn't want to accept it at the moment. That way your mom still has access to it but can feel like it's put away for when you need it, plus your siblings who might need it won't feel like they got a handout that you didn't.

Why don’t you take it if she is insisting and put it in a separate account. If she ever falls on hard times you can pull from it to help out or just to do something really special for her down the road - nice vacation or whatever. Or if you don’t use for her, you have a nice pile of money set aside.

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For context full payments on my loans are around $900 a month. With a coming promotion I should be making 6 figures in around a month. I don't need the money but it certainly would be nice, and it would make my Mom feel a lot better about the situation. But at the same time I want to make sure she is stable long term.

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If you think it would make her feel better, you could take the money and pay off the loans, then put an equal amount of money in an investment account with her as a beneficiary, and you can use it to help her out if she needs it in retirement. She could live another 40 years, and 350K is not a lot of money if she ends up not being able to work unexpectedly.

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You shud take it. Please do have conversations around expectations as well. There is a very good article in wsj on this topic of y parents shud give inheritance earlier than after they die https://www.wsj.com/articles/when-to-give-inheritance-money-to-your-kids-11619802000?st=omo5no6bnqav4wh&reflink=article_copyURL_share

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U can just take some but not all. Then do something really nice for Mother’s Day. Being good and taking care of each other is what being a family is all about. Sorry to hear about your father.

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I am so sorry for your loss. If your mom wants to give you money from what your dad left her, I believe you should take it. She is an adult and knows how much she has and needs (and can give away). It is a meaningful gift and you should accept it graciously.

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P2, you’re making huge assumptions. My dad died at 54 and my mom had a strong understanding of the financial situation so I’m frustrated by people assuming OP’s mom is clueless (maybe I missed a comment about that being the case). The idea of a helpless, emotional widower making silly decisions isn’t always reality.

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I think you all should have a conversation about the finances to discuss how it would impact her life and retirement planning if she did this. I think it is good to want to make sure she never has to worry about money in the future, but at the same time, it is a little silly to refuse it purely out of personal pride if she can afford it.

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As others have mentioned, there are a lot of creative way you can find some middle ground as well. Right now the student loans are a deadweight loss. You could treat her gift as a loan and pay her back without losing money on the interest, or you could invest that $900 a month with the understanding that it will be there for her if she ever needs support later in life.

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What if you took some now to help you pay off your loans so you’re not racking up interest but then you paid her back over time? Maybe this is a win win for both of you?

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This, another way is to have mom be a junior lien lender on a property if home ownership is on the horizon.

I would take it, but I would also be prepared to help my mom later in life if she needed it

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I personally would not; you don't know what will happen in retirement and she may need that money badly in the future. Help her put it in low cost index funds instead of gifting it.

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Depends on your mom's economy. I'd prefer them want for nothing and to be able to pursue hobbies and stuff that keeps them active. But it might in a sense be an inheritance ahead of time. Make sure she is solid in her economy and if you do accept wouldn't be a bad idea to set it in a fund with a thought to use it on her or a portion of it on her whilst you have her.

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I wouldn’t

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If she insists, put it in an index fund, knowing full well its purpose is first and foremost her well being. And inform your so of this plan.

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Don’t take it to payoff loans, but be open to take some for when you have young kids later. I lost my 6 figure job after my first born and was desperate for help for a couple of years.

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So sorry that happened to you

I’d only take it if I were willing to chip in if when she has to move into Assisted Living she can’t afford it. It’s at least $6000 a month btw.

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This is the way! Infact I would say only take it if you can support her during any times of future need. A potential compromise would be that you take the money to pay off the loan but escrow the monthly payments till you can repay her in full. So her “gift” to you will be the savings on interest expenses and ability to sleep better at night without the overhang of a loan.

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She is young, I wouldn’t take it, you can afford the SL payments

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I’m sorry about your dad..

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Yep completely but im coming from the perspective of my mother profiting off my dad’s death when he made it very clear everything was supposed to be left to me. Too many details to list but yea Im taking the money.

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