Boyfriend broke up with me so he can focus on himself and figure out his own path (career wise mostly) and says he is choosing himself and it’s not about me at all but he still loves me. I love him

Honey, you’re pining over a man who is struggling to adult. Not only can he not decide what he wants to be when he grows up, he can’t figure out how to navigate difficult times with a partner. You can do so much better, you just don’t know it yet ❤️

This is not the type of man you want to tackle life’s challenges with, trust me. I’ve been there.

So sorry. I have been there, and he said the exact same things to me. But it was just a bunch of excuses—the hard truth is he just didn’t want to be with me, but he felt too bad saying that so he instead said it was for these other reasons. But only a few months after we broke up, he started dating again and then got into a new relationship. It was so shocking and devastating because I truly believed him when he said the breakup was so he could focus on his school and career, and I really thought one day he’d feel more settled and come back to me. I spent probably two years wallowing, depressed, and pining after him.

Fast forward several years and I’m in the best relationship of my life, with someone who is WAY better for me, and we’re going to get married. Looking back, I see now that my ex and I weren’t as perfect together as I thought, and things work out eventually.

Love should feel GOOD. The person you’re with should be as crazy about you as you are about them, and you should feel safe with that person—like you can count on them for anything and for always. True love shouldn’t be unbalanced where one person is more invested than the other.

I encourage you accept that it’s really over and to let him go, that way you can start moving on! Nothing more painful in the world and it’s not going to happen overnight, but don’t do what I did and hold on forever. Life is too short to be hung up on someone who doesn’t give you the love you deserve.

Hugs.

Going through it too, my ex and I were together for almost 5 years and he ended things with me because he felt like he was in a personal rut and needed to focus on developing himself. We sat together to talk about it after the initial break up and we mostly sat there crying (his sister had never seen him cry in his adult life). It’s hard to choose yourself and as I go through it it’s so hard to cope with a break up like this. Biggest advice I can give is to cut off all contact, block on all forms of social media, do what he’s doing and focus on yourself. It may seem petty and you may want to talk to him but it re opens the wound every time. I forgot who I was outside a relationship and it has been hard work reminding myself who I am without him.

I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult time.

- Try to take some time off if at all possible. I’m a big advocate for taking time off for significant life changes like this, even if it means using vacation days. It will be worth it.
- Try to go to therapy if at all possible
- Breakups are like fighting addiction. We are physically and mentally addicted to love and the lover and I find some strategies recommended for treating addiction helpful, at least for me personally
- I wouldn’t assume he’s not hurting. I had to break up with a very long term bf years ago and he was a good man who treated me well. But ultimately there was some fundamental incompatibilities and I had to call it off. I think maybe he thought I seemed fine, but I was hurting a lot and felt a lot of guilt. I cried in bed for days maybe even weeks and went to a lot of therapy sessions. I described it to my therapist as - when you break up it’s like having a significant part of your body carved out of you, and it really hurts to know I was one who did the carving and I was the one who caused us so much pain. I don’t know if this would make sense to others but she understood it. Ultimately whether he’s hurting is not as important as your own healing though.
- I think cutting contact is very important to heal, at least at first. Regular contact makes breakups so hard (see my addiction analogy).
- Fear: it’s totally normal. But you can get through this, and you can will meet someone again. You are strong.

I’m sorry OP :( I’ve been through something similar and can just say I promise time will heal all! Just take it day by day and make sure you stick to those boundaries, especially for your own sake. How long were you guys dating?

boo

don't ever let a man tell you TWICE that he don't want you - best advise my grandmother gave me.

you deserve to be loved JUST THE WAY you expect, nothing less.

sending you love, give us an update on how you're feeling in a month! you're gonna be in a different place

remember that a man is suppose to protect his queen - you are the prize. you don't believe that now cause that's how he makes you feel, but the right one wouldn't feel like this

another thing.
my mum always told me. the way how you feel after the breakup tells a lot about the relationship. if you're hurting, it's cause you know you put in A LOT of effort in the relationship. notice that when you are properly loved, and the relationship has a breakup - you still know you're gonna be fine? that shows that you were LOVED BY A GOOD MAN. you were treated right.

if you are hurting, it's cause you were putting in waaayyyy too much effort-ing (is that a word - I'm gonna a wing it)

I had 2 exes. 1 which had a bad breakup, 1 a good one. altho I don't keep on contact with neither - I always felt like the one with the good break up taught me so much about what it means to be properly loved by a SO. you are OK to let then go- because you want what's best for them. the bad one had the same triggers as yours - and sooner or later you're gonna realise this was for the best - if you look back, there were definately times when you disagreed/saw something you didn't like in this person but chose to sweep it under the rug. if you really loved him - then my question to you is- wouldnt you give him what he wants?

in the case of the good breakup I had, I actually pulled the plug but in so many ways - it's not because I got to call the shots - I still miss that man - but realize that it wasn't a good fit. and that's OK. he loved me so good that it did hurt me to make that call,but the relationship didn't leave me scarred/shaken.

the bad relationship that ended had so many mini signs,and I chose not to listen to them. and yes, I was dumped for the same reason you were. then when it came to me- shouldn't I be OK to let him go if this is what he wants? why am I being such aa cry baby/selfish person. it's was because I never felt any love in that relationship. and expected him to invest in it as much as I already had.

trust me, this really is a sign that it's not meant to be. we women are not meant to be hurt like this.

I want you to heal, and then set a good healthy expectation for when you move into a new relationship - he took your past, don't let him ruin the future boo.

love you more than ya know, you can always DM me

You’ve gotten a lot of great advice here. I’ll just pile on and say, cut off contact 100 %. That’s the only way. Make fun plans with friends and family. Don’t look back. YOU are worth it. Maybe take an eat/pray/love trip. Rediscover yourself! Go bang a hot young guy if you can ;) the latter always works for me 😂 but to each his own!

What he’s really saying to you is “Im not ready and also, I don’t think you’re the one.” So you need to move on. It’s hard to hear, but necessary to understand this to move on. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you in the same way we love our siblings or our platonic friends. It also has no bearing on your worth. You’re still awesome!!

Op, I promise there are good guys out there! There’s also a lot of fun to be had without “mr right.”

You got this! Good luck!

Whoever loves you doesn’t leave you... that’s what life showed me

I don’t want to sound harsh but “he’s just not that into you.” It’s not his career, it’s you—like you said, it’s good that this is happening now and not years down the road.

I’ve been there and you will get past it!!

You are me five years ago, OP. It took me literally years to recover but I finally did.

My ex and I also dated for five years and I was completely blindsided. As was his family (we were not married or officially living together but we were completely enmeshed). You need to block him on social media and also block his friends and family. If you explain that it is just too hard for you everybody totally understands. I should have done this immediately. Put everything that reminds you of him - pictures, etc - away until can deal with it. Give yourself permission to feel like crap because you do feel like crap and somebody did something very shitty to you. Don’t try to work with him or talk to him. He wants “freedom” and time so give it. Completely.

And move on. Take care of yourself first. Wear those boots he hates and you love. Be “selfish”. Get pedicures. Watch all the tv shows he hates (steer clear of Hallmark Channel tho, too many romantic movies). Take a Wine & Paint class with girlfriends. Plan at least one nice thing to do per weekend to get you out of the house.

I’d definitely suggesting cutting ties for a while. You’re not giving yourself any chance to move on and heal if you’re talking and seeing each other. I had to do it last year and it was really hard for a little while and then one day I was like. I AM ok. There were still hard days after that, but it got easier and easier.

Breakups are terrible. But they are survivable as seen in these comments. He made the decision, so I imagine he’s hurting less. All you can control is the decisions you will make now. You can’t make him come back - and maybe you shouldn’t. What do you want besides him? This is a chance to move anywhere in the world and have a new adventure. Take the chance! It’s a rush let me tell you, but it’ll breathe new life into you. When people say “focus on you” I never quit know what that means. When I say “focus on you” it means chase an adventure you otherwise couldn’t chase when you are tied down. You’ll never regret it

And I love him a lot. I feel like I’m the only one hurting. He says he is hurting too but he is sticking to his decision and seems fine to me. I’m crying everyday, breaking down in the office and etc. He is the best boyfriend I’ve had. Treated me really well and better than anybody else before. I think a big fear for me is I won’t find somebody as good as him because the dating pool sucks and boys just don’t try anymore. I don’t know what to do because I can’t and don’t want to force him to choose me but I really love him. I feel like I can’t live without him but he can live without me? He also doesn’t want me to put my life on hold to wait for him to figure it out or anything because he doesn’t know if we’ll get back together because he said he isn’t thinking about that at all right now.

You need to establish more boundaries with him for you to heal. You can’t heal in the same place that broke you. Unfortunately that means cutting off contact until you deal with the heartache. Crying and feeling sad at the end of a meaningful relationship is normal. In terms of crying at work or other social places, try to compartmentalize as much as possible and focus on being in the present moment. If you’re working, work. You can try setting times to allow your emotions to run rampant over you such as in the morning before getting ready for work or after you get home. Learn to manage your emotions not let them manage you. Soon you’ll find it will begin to hurt a little less over time as you allow yourself to feel them when you say so and not the other way around.

Others way to deal with this are journaling which I’d highly recommend, reaching out to friends and family, planning fun events and outings with them and just yourself sometimes as well. In life we need 3 things, someone to love (doesn’t have to be romantically; friends, family, pets definitely count), something to do such as hobbies, and something to look forward to such as vacations, spa days, team events, etc...make sure your life is ok in those areas and give attention to what needs it. You’ll soon realize that you can go on without him and who knows perhaps you’ll find your life a lot more enriched without him.

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