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I have an offer from Capco, it was much lower then I expected for the SC level EA at £80k. I'm at a stable role at a bank with a great WLB. My wife is a front line work. So I can take care of the baby, with the next coming soon. My dilemma is, become a consultant or stay where I am at. Consulting looks attractive as I would be speed up my career progression. Though the travel costs and child care does not warrant the base salary Capco Should I take the hit and join capco?
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My dad's babysitting rule has always been that he loves babysitting, but he's in charge. lol. Within reason obviously, my dad is like the best guy ever. But if we say the kids can have two cookies and he wants to give them three, he's in charge. If he wants to let them stay up late to watch a movie on Saturday night, he's in charge. If he wants to rock the baby to sleep instead of putting them in the crib, he's in charge. It's a method built on mutual love and respect. I know he wouldn't do anything unsafe. So if he wants to have a little extra fun with his grandkids, I stay out of it. That being said, my kids have always gone to bed better for my parents than for me.
This 👆🏼!!!!
You are managing a consistency vs help tradeoff.
I review the routine and don’t expect perfection if getting help. You can anchor on a few priorities otherwise there are too many little details to keep track of with toddlers routines. Unless you want to hire premium care that can manage more details.
It can take a few days to reset. Expect a transition in behavior when they return.
Highlight the important things that keep the kid regulated but also understand it’s not easy to care for someone else’s kid especially with strict parental routines. Expect keeping them alive and enjoying a break. It might come with some minor behavioral transitions when they’re back.
The alternative is putting your kid to bed every night the way you like to. Gotta be realistic.
I couldn’t agree more.
My in-laws are staying with us for a few months, and MIL has been putting toddler to bed ~75% of the time while I take care of the new baby. She does a lot of things that we (parents) don't do at bedtime like offering milk after teeth are brushed, lets toddler run around, stays with him until he falls asleep. She mostly let's him run the show, in a loving way. Toddler loves it of course, and while we keep reinforcing our routine to her, she does what works for her because she has a tough time telling him no or forcing/convincing him to do things he doesn't want to do.
To her credit, she has tried to comply with *some* of our rules, but this is all pretty annoying to me regardless. There are several other small "parenting" differences too (e.g., offering a cookie to toddler after he wakes up from nap), and I'm vocal with her when I don't want her doing something that really bothers me. She is helping out the household and especially me a lot, and she has a lot of love for her grandkids.
I guess I'm looking for learnings from anyone who might've been in a similar situation. For context and maybe not so surprisingly, this is an Asian grandparent, and I'm American
Hoping they will comply with the no milk after teeth are brushed or will need to brush again. Friend is a hygienist and has seen milk rot as a result. Google to show pictures.
Either give up and let them do whatever because it's not worth the fight, or hire someone. We hire help 99% of the time because it's just easier. Very sad, but saves our sanity. We talk all the time about how different millenials will be as grandparents, because of what we're all going through now.
I went through the same thing with my parents esp during covid when they lived with us for a long stretch, and it used to bother me a lot but I had to learn to let go. Pick your battles. Brushing teeth as the last activity is really important to me so I would personally just make sure that was done. I also did books and good night kisses with the toddler and tried to get the baby to do bedtime together over time.
At the end of the day, maintaining a good relationship with my parents is more important to me than control over bedtime or doing it all alone my way. You can show them how you want things done but it’s free help so lower expectations that it’s going to be done your way.
Gotta hand off responsibility to your partner if you’re taking care of the newborn, especially if boundaries are being crossed.
Of course the help is appreciated, and so so valuable, but you’re going to be losing even more sleep managing reinstallation of your toddlers routine + the long nights that come with a newborn.
I’ve got 3 kids, two toddlers and 9mo old. We faced this with our second. My mom helped with put down, but, just as your MiL, let my first born run the show. My wife and I were exhausted for the first month, but our toddler’s behavior started to change during the day too. That’s the implication - when one routine is broken down and structure ceases to be applied, the rest of their behavior changes.
So, I took over bedtime with my toddler. It can be an easy conversation, “hey, I think I’m going to take over bedtime routine. I miss that time with (your toddler’s name).” I think if you broach any tough conversation regarding YOUR child’s care with someone that’s helping with warmth and grace, everyone walks away happy. Your MiL is a mother too, she’ll understand.
You have to start thinking ahead with 2+ kids. Every decision regarding routine affects everyone now.
If you don’t like the way MIL is putting your toddler to bed, why not let MIL watch new baby while you deal with toddler bedtime?
I would tackle health concerns like teeth brushing after milk (and rebrushing if more milk is given).
After that it is really up to your partner to manage their mom. You and your partner need to agree on non-negotiables; if those rules are not followed it will be on your partner to do bedtime.
Other than that — remain consistent in your own interactions, routines, and boundaries with your child and they will know what the deal is when you are around.
Kids are very flexible. And adults (you) should be also.... Kids adapt to different rules with different people... I had five groups... my mom, my ex-husband, my mother-in-law and the family who took care of him while I worked and of course me. I think our key was there was an assumption that my son would follow each set of rules... I only gave the caretakers rules when it was critical, like medications or something that could hurt him physically or mentally. These didn't come up... but could.