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Hi, fellow woman of color in big law who didn’t go to a T-14. I’ve been in your shoes, some of what your feeling will go away with time, but some of it is just environment dependent. I switched firms twice to finally feel like I belonged and was making an impact. Before my current firm I cried everyday and felt paralyzed at the prospect of every assignment. I was constantly demeaned and criticized. I just took it because it wasn’t any worse than what my parents endured as immigrants in this country. But let me tell you, this can be different and they can get better. I would get into therapy and try to discern if it’s the work you don’t like or if it’s the workplace you don’t like. I now work with kind, empathetic partners, and associates who have my back and I’m so much happier. The imposter syndrome still creeps in, but I’ve learned to not go it alone and that helps. You should never keep pushing at the cost of your physical and mental health, and leaving a workplace isn’t giving up either. You are more than capable of the work. I encourage you to find your people who can commiserate and support you, but also guide you to resources that can develop your attorney skills and help you cope. That’s been instrumental to me. I’m happy to chat more privately via dm if you need any specific advice.
Also, when I have hard times I always remind myself that I’ve done hard things before, I’ve overcome adversity, and my life is so much more than my job and my profession. You aren’t a failure.
Sick work environments make you sick. I would keep looking for a healthier work environment.
Women of color still make up fewer than 3% equity partners at law firms. You’re not imagining things when you sense the environment doesn’t include you.
Protect your mental health and know that you are brilliant, accomplished, and competent even if your environment signals to you women of color are somehow less than. (Yes, I am a woman of color, too.)
First step: this admission. Second step: get a therapist of your own demo (NOT a yt woman or yt man!!!) to assist you, incl. if need be meds for anxiety. You are not an imposter, they are. You did not have a multi generational head start, or the ability to hide in plain sight mediocrity & benefit of the doubt that they have. You are where you are bc you worked your azz off in a way that they can’t even fathom. Reach back to the ones who came before us for inspiration. It feels lonely bc, in part, so many did give up & law firms have a revolving door of associates of color but not a critical mass who stay. This ensures that the next batch, & the next, & the next etc. are always alone. Over 25 years in this game & I have seen nonPOCs, esp yt men from “lesser” pedigrees, schools & legal experiences, thrive & become partner in large part bc they hang in there & get the benefit of time. You WILL improve and even when you think you aren’t, trust, you are likely doing as well or better than your supposedly more pedigreed colleagues who’ve mastered the art of puffery. You worked too hard to give up and leave it to them. Change firms before you leave the profession. Reach out to other offices in your firm to get mentorship from other POCs, even if it’s on the down low, and join affinity bar associations. One mistake I did was not doing this as a young associate & (back then) in my all yt firms, where I was always the 1st & only, it made it that much harder. Only to learn years later that so many of us were in the same boat. We need you if it is ever going to get better. I am saying all of this to myself (first lawyer in my family & k-jd) as well as to you. Good luck and hang in there.
Paper trail with 5 Ws (who, what, etc.). It doesn’t have to be large memos, but just some brief notes to jog your memory about what happened. TikTok has great videos by creators of color and how they navigate racist corporate spaces. I look at those to know that I’m not alone and also to get ideas about how to manage the onslaught of micro aggressions and more over hostility.
Well… Are you able to do the work or not? If you can do the work, and preferably well, change your attitude from negative to positive and project that you belong because you do. If that doesn’t help improve your emotional and physical well-being, then leave. If you are having issues with the work, then definitely leave.
Here’s the thing, “pedigree” is about getting you into the job. Once you have the job, the only thing that counts is the quality of your work. Obviously, your health is what matters most, but keep in mind that imposter syndrome affects many (if not most) of us and it has nothing to do with our background. I suggest talking to a mentor about it or someone you trust because it might help to hear from someone else who's gone through this.
Unfortunately belonging may be an issue. Forever.
I really enjoy not having “pedigree”. Keeps people guessing why I’m in the branded firm I’m in, more street creds
I just wanted to chime in and let you know that I’m here if you need to talk. It’s not you. It’s them. Reach out if you’d like to talk through your specific circumstances. I struggled with this and had no one to talk to, and my mental health took a pounding. Don’t feel like you have to go it alone.
Try to take an objective view of what advice would you give someone else in this exact situation. Unfortunately, only you know your exact circumstances. From my POV, I think you're where you're at because you deserve to be there. Otherwise, they would have fired you. You will likely still feel some imposter syndrome and feel like the "other" because you have such a different upbringing and background. I hope you stay because we need more people like you to stay and pave the way for the newer lawyers to see that they can stay too. I had to make the tough choice to decide my mental health was worth more than the cause. I don't regret it because I know I didn't have it in me to endure all that it takes. I'm much happier in house.
I’m not sure what year you are, but I’ve definitely felt that way when I was a junior associate. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk about it. It really sucks how we don’t have a lot of role models that look like us.
If you don’t believe in yourself, you’re going to have a hard time with most careers. It’s called practicing law for a reason, you’re supposed to continue evolve and grow as a lawyer over your career. You have a job and can learn to excel and do your best there, if it doesn’t seem like a good fit, then you should explore other fields that are.